June 21st, 2005

(no subject)

Dear me,

Lose some weight. You look like a cow compared to some of the girls down here. You're fat. Quit eating so much.

Love,
Yourself.

Yeah my self confidence seems to go down about 2 notches every second since I've been at the beach on vaca.
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(no subject)

I havent writen in here for a little while but im back, its strange how a girl who needs stabilty in life can create anything BUT stability, but thats me I guess!

Im letting my previous ex talk sense into me about my more recent ex. Hes not being biased in the way that is attempting to punish me for what happened between us or to try and get me back, but he is being biased in a way that doesnt allow him to see everything Im telling him. Ive done bad things, people tell me they werent bad... but how can they not be?!?!

I never cheated on Sam not once, but when we split I always made it so that we never had a chance of making us work again! The second we split everytime I was off drinking and falling into the arms of the nearest guy, usually someone he knew, a friend! I no longer drink(straight edge) and Im leaving school, Im trying not to repeat the arguements, last night I was trying to be neutral when the conversation started, Mike advised it. But then he became biased himself which is unusual, it bothered him that I always allowed Sam to use this against me, Im trying to change things and hes bringing up the past again, but Sams waiting for me to fail... what else should I expect after all the times before Ive said Im going to change and Ive still done it?

The thing is I KNOW this is TRUE, how can I make that clear, I guess only my actions can speak for me now! I know were never going to get back together, but I want to prove that I did and do love him, I never got joy out of doing this to him... I hope this achieves this. I know if we have another arguement like that I have to block him on messenger maybe even delete him, with school over for me now theres no need for him to have any contact with me. I just wanna have one last chance to prove this. Perhaps its stupid of me? Perhaps Ill never change and this is just another thing I mean at the time and I believe in, but later on I'll get so down and become that weak person again. I dont wanna be that person, I HATE THAT PERSON!

Sam asked why I didnt like Ben and my response was "he doesnt respect love", what an idiot, because we did the same thing as far as Sam knows, we kissed and both ruined chances of getting back into our relationships.  We also feared(with reason) that the people we loved didnt feel the same anymore, but it still happened and the drink and drugs and mixed emotions cant account for what happened! I always hated Ben aswell, after hating me and being so closed minded last year and then all that business with not really loving one of my best friends and what he attempted to do to her, to me, to our friendship group.  But I made myself as bad as him didnt I!

God tommorrow should be the last school day for me, infact I should be there now hehe, but Im sat at the pc in pj's writing my life away lol! Im gunna go shower and then leave I guess, go and see if even though Im leaving they'll let me go to the house of commons tommorrow! Only a few people can go but its an amazing chance! Id love to see Tony Blair, I must be the geekyest 17 year old in the world!

Bye people, bye journal, bye pc... hello the hell of school... and seeing Sam!

Love K x

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