I found your private journal. Heh. I feel special. Don't worry about being friends with me. So long as you're cordial and otherwise nice to me... I don't care what you do.
I still call you that in my head. I think it'd freak you out too much if I called you that in person. Yes, I told you to download "The Scientist" for a reason. Basically, because it sums up everything I feel at this moment. I miss you so much. I miss how we were close together... how we'd talk for hours online and on the phone. How you'd come over to my house and I'd sneak out just to spend a few hours with you on my front lawn. I loved you unabashedly then. I didn't care who knew about it... even my mother. I LOVED YOU.
There are so many good memories... even though there were bad ones... I don't remember them as well as I used to. I remember once you held me up high above your head and I told you I was scared of heights. You let me down and you told me that there was nothing to fear. I remember our first kiss, how we analyzed it later because we both were nervous about the whole thing. How you froze the first time because you wanted my first kiss to be perfect, something that I'd always remember. Well, it worked. All this just proves how much I took for granted... and what I managed to fuck up.
It's weird how quickly things can go downhill. It's like one moment, you're on top of everything. Then the next, you've lost everything you've fought to attain. At prom... you were (once again) one of the best dates I've ever had. I could just be stupid with you... dance as white as I wanted to... and you'd grin and do something equally as caucasian. The others were worried about their dresses and their hair... or whatever they were concerned with... but it didn't matter to me, because I was with my baby and I loved him and he loved me.
At the afterparty, yes, I taunted you. Basically, I wanted to feel like you wanted me as much as I did you. You always managed to throw a bit of doubt into it. In the beginning, I knew you adored me. You'd answer the phone, "What's up, my love?" It proved to me, you cared. I guess I didn't need any proof. Later, I wasn't sure what you really felt. Part of me wanted to say that you didn't really love me... that you just wanted a girlfriend... someone to get ass from. But another part of me held out for that sensible, goofy, lanky.... totally enamored little boy. And really, you never convinced me either way. When we broke up... we basically made out before I left. We both knew we didn't want it to happen, etc. And for awhile it was good. Until that next weekend, when I called you. You were tired, and you said the reason you started dating me was because you wanted a girlfriend. Meaning to me that basically I was at the right place at the right time... you found some kind of feelings for me and managed to keep me for almost a year. That hurt me a lot. More than you realize, because it confirmed one of my worst fears. That I was giving up so much to you... and you didn't care enough about me to love me as a person... not as a title or status symbol.
When we "took a break" or "broke up," you were stressed about everything going on in your life. Alright... but real love shouldn't stress you. I know I'm high maintenance and I know I'm high stress... but does that really matter? Why go on for almost a year... if I stress you?? I talked to one of my once guy acquaintances, Chris, about you over Christmas... and that's what he told me. That real love doesn't get stressed and it doesn't matter how much you see the other. I didn't want to break up with you... but for some reason I was pissed at you... but I defended you anyway. I defend you all the time. Everything you do, other people analyze and talk to me about... and I'd come up with some kind of answer and defend you. I got tired of defending you... I quit after awhile.
I can't imagine moving on. Truthfully, I told you that about that guy just to get you to chase me. To get you to show me that you wanted me back. We're just friends... and while part of me wants there to be more... another part of me says that'll never happen. Like I've told you before... I can't imagine doing anything with him that I did with you. All those things we physically did... did basically unite us. This is probably why I feel so torn up about it... we did those things, I thought, because we loved each other and we'd be together forever. And that's just not what it is. I couldn't see the future. I knew I'd never cheat on you... and you wouldn't on me. I felt guilty talking to guy friends at one point because I knew how I could get with some encouragement. So that plan backfired. You gave up... which makes me wonder. You acted like "Oh well, she's moved on, so I guess that's that."
You came to my graduation, which was very nice of you. When I saw you in the back... my heart raced and I got nervous. I pretended to be blaze because I didn't want to let you know how excited I was that you came. I was prepared for a text message that read, "Sorry I couldn't make it... I needed to do something at work." I acted nonchalant... like I could care less you were there. Then came the talk later... where you told me you were nervous as well. So I poured out my ever-loving soul to you... we talked awhile and we went to bed. The next night... you're being an ass to me. It almost seemed like you knew that I was still hanging onto you... so you knew you had a backup in case you couldn't find anything better. So you could treat me however you wanted because you knew I'd still be there. So I got mad and left for NYC. I came back and we fought... now I miss you so much my heart is aching. Where is the sense in that? You've hurt me, I've hurt you. Why do I keep running back? Not to sound cliche (not that I haven't already) but nothing compares to you. To us. How we were back then.
I wish I could take it all back. Go back to where we started from. Before the physicality got out of hand... when we were the only thing that mattered in our relationship. That's my question: Do you think we can? Baby, I'd do anything. I know I need to move on... but I can't. Not yet. I just want you to hold me... run your hands through my hair. Whisper in my ear. I feel like you understood me... maybe not fully, but to a point.
God, I'm such a fool.
You can have him for as long as you like. You can obsess about him... think about him... whatever. Not that you needed my permission anyway... but I just thought I'd say that. I don't know who you got it from that we were dating... but it was a rumor that neither of us started. Obviously, judging from the above letter, I am not ready to date anyone. And upon seriously thinking about it... I would want us (meaning your ex and me) to date... but at this point, it'd be only to prove my desirablity. It'd be only to prove that someone else likes/loves me just as much as he did. And to be honest, I think you put your ex through enough without me going and fucking with him any more. He wasn't even thinking about dating, though... so I don't know where I'm going with this.
He's a wonderful guy... that is apparent. I just don't feel "that thing" like I did before. Maybe it's because I've never let go. I don't know. I've never had to feel like this before. Every other boyfriend I had... when we broke up, there was no going back. Now I have that option... and I want that more than anything. I mean... he has people steal things for him out of Spencer's. That really got to me. I thought better of him than that. That might be a lot of the reason why I don't like him that way.
Just thought I'd let you know,
Dear Mommy Dearest,
If you don't stop fucking with my little sister's emotions and thought processes... I will seriously lose my temper. It's bad enough she has a poor self image of herself due to your constant nagging... but you continue to do it into her teen years. You've never gotten it. She has told me things you've said to her, like how you yelled at her because she couldn't find "mouse" in a word search. How you called her stupid because she colored the grass in her picture purple. It makes me sick to see how you have psychologically effected her. She's one tough girl... she holds back her tears... no one sees her cry. And if she did cry in front of you, you probably wouldn't care. OOOHHH! YOU BITCH! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I know you work hard and do all these things for us... but if you don't love us enough to respect us as HUMANS... then what? Do you really love us at all? I had a hard time with it when you'd always call me, "The Sacred Heart Slut," and "Stupid" all the time. But now that I've heard how hard you were on my sister.... it makes me mad. In fact, we were all a little hard on her, weren't we? Yes. And I'm so sorry I was. I'm a horrible big sister. But I'm making an effort not to be that way anymore... because I know she locks it all away in her head and goes over it time and again. Why? Because she wants us to love her. That's all she wants. Even you could do that. If you had the heart to. And don't EVEN get me started about Daddy. That's a whole other book. I wish I were out of here. Away from you. It's sad that I'm happy when you're away at work... away from us. And how I'm dreading you coming home once a week or so. You want to divorce your family? Fine. Do so. I hope you like being on your own. I will not stay with you. Because as far as I'm concerned... you're not my mother. I hate you so much right now.
Your Drunken Sacred Heart Whore of a "daughter"