June 15th, 2005

peace of mind

Thinking about you again...

Dear You,

I suppose that as long as I'm thinking about you, I'll continue to write letters to you here. I mean, I used this community to ruin our relationship, why not use it in the aftermath as well?

Well, yesterday I actually went to sleep and barely thought about you before I did...but then this morning I thought about you more than ever. Especially when I read your lj...which I shouldn't have done, because that definitely makes me miss you more...it just reminds me how utterly removed I am from your life now.

In my last letter I said that I didn't really ever want to date you again. Right now, I feel like that's untrue. I would LOVE to date you again one day...I'd love it beyond words...and somewhere inside I know that I hold the hope that we will be together again one day...although my mind tells me that it's only false hope...only dragging this on when I should be letting you go. My heart can't let you go yet. Taking away my thoughts of you would be like ripping my heart in two again...I don't want to stop thinking about you. I want you to be there...like a sad song...reminding me of the things I did wrong.

It hurts that you don't even want to be my friend, although it's definitely understandable. I wouldn't want to be my friend if I were you...but I hope one day, even if it takes years, we can be friends. Although I have patience with nothing else, I can have patience for that.

In your journal, you posted that little thing for people to comment with memories of you. I didn't have the courage to do it on your lj, so I think I'll do it in this letter.

+ I remember the time we were on the deck, and that boat passed by, and OMG, it was sooo embarrassing, and you put your head down and said, "Pretend like you're sleeping." haha...and I went to school the next week, and it turned out that WILLIAM was on the boat! I could have died.

+I remember when we watched The Notebook, and I cried, and you just held me, and didn't say anything...but just being in your arms made me feel so safe and loved.

+I remember that time we took a nap in your bed, and you thought I was sleeping, and kissed me on the cheek. That is the one sweetest moment ever in my life...probably the one memory I cherish the most out of every memory I have of anyone...just the utter rightness of the moment...the knowledge that that was where I belonged, right there in your arms, in your bed.

+I remember one night when we were by your car, and you were about to leave, and I just started crying, telling you that I was scared to go away...that things might not work out with me so far away. And you held me and told me that everything would be fine. Then later that night, in a post, you said that when you thought about the future, you just skipped over those years that I'd be in college, and just got to the part where we'd be together again afterwards...writing this, I can't help but wonder if that was some sort of precognition on your part...maybe we'll be together again after college? And now my mind is telling me to push it aside...to not let false hope take hold of me again.

...the truth is, everything I do holds memories of you. I wake up thinking of you, and I go to sleep thinking of you...and I think of you a billion times in between. My car, my house, my porch, the deck, the driveway, the highway, Wal-Mart...everything is tied to you by some sort of memory. And it all kills me inside. It reminds me of a poem I wrote just after you broke up with me "My heart breaks each time I wake/I hear the shards, disturbed with each breath/Tinkle like faerie bells in this less than fairytale life..."

My heart breaks every day for you. And every time I consider dating someone else--there have been a surprising amount of opportunities lately--I start thinking about you...about how I still want you...and it ruins everything between me and that person. It happened with Brock...with Michah, Dustin, Abdule...and I can feel it beginning to happen with the new person already. I don't resent it...I just hold it as one of life's inevitibilities: once you've found your one true love, no one else can compare.

I used to not believe that there was one perfect person everyone...now I'm beginning to believe that it's true. You were absolutely perfect for me, and I was stupid enough to screw that up. But there's no going back now, as much as I wish there was. I can't make you love me again, anymore than I can make myself stop loving you. And I'll live with that.

To be honest, right now I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than let someone ever take your place. Not that anyone ever could. You're one of a kind. I hope with all of my heart that you find someone who treats you as you deserve to be treated. But I know that no one, even if she treats you better, can ever love you more than I do right at this moment...than I did each time I was in your arms, each time I went to sleep at night wishing you were there holding me.

Love Always,
  • Current Music
    "Can't Let You Go"~3 Doors Down

(no subject)

dear mom
are you fucking kidding me. I have worked so hard to get to this point in life. the point when I can go to college and escape you and your alcoholic husband whose abusive verbally to you and your children. And you tell me you don't know what to do because your sons first day of school is the day before I need to be in arizona. How dare you. I could have had this all planned out with dad to have me down there and know my flight information already and be set in my plans and be reassured but no you are a fucking idiot who screws it all up. It's moments like this that remind me why I'm going thousands of mile to school just to get away from you

your daughter who at the moment has no respect for you

(no subject)

Dear Wisdom,
Is it wrong that I don't want to be his and her friend anymore? I don't understand myself. I don't understand a lot of my friends. I don't like what they do at all, yet I always make friends and end up not liking them.
I feel like starting over again. Just fresh and new. To not have the baggage of past relationships on me. But the new becomes old again over and over again. I don't like this rut.
Please God, help me out.

The friends that I love the most are literally at the far ends of the earth from me.


Dear You,

I wish you wouldn't do this. You know what will happen as well as I do. It won't be any different this time than it has the past 4 times. It won't work. You're gonna get hurt again... O well. I tried to warn you. Now I'll have to shutup and support you I suppose.


Dear Other Person,

Hurt her again and I and about 10 other people are coming after you with baseball bats. If you think I am kidding you had better think again. I wish I could really tell you all of this, unfortunately, she would kill me. So yeah.... I'll put it in here. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU! How DARE you do this to her again?!?! She was almost over this. Why can't you just stay away from her you freak! She deserves a lot better than you. Why don't you just go hang yourself?

  • Current Music
    Medicate*Breaking Benjamin

(no subject)

Dear Brit,

Your friends arent toys. You cant throw them aside and then expect them to be happty to let you return when you get bored. You dont quiet see that yet. Oh, and arent you sick of sloppy seconds? Have you had a botfriend that one of your friends havent gone out with? Dont you find that demeaing? I would. Not just your friends have changed, so have you, just admit it already. Stop wallowing in self pitty and have some fun for once. You only get to live life once.

Your Friend


You have changed. You admit it, which is good, but in ways you dont see. Yes, you are not slutty, but you are wearing things that are a tid bit (thats right, i said tid bit!) more revealing then you used to. Yes, Your BF hasnt changed you alone, it was partly their fault, it was partly his, it was partly your new friends, but it also was you. Dont take this wrong darlin, I do love you. I miss you too. But you have changed.

With Much Love

Dear T

I think I love you. I do admit this maybe just another stupid chrush/lust. But it feels different. I remember when I saw you that night at the foot ball game. It was when every one was leaving, You hadnt been able to find your friends, we chatted for awfile catching up on old times that didnt quite exsist. I remeber, first thought was that you were the same (looks wise that is) besides your voice, but as we stood chatting, I noticed little things here and there total i realized you were completely different, you look so different, much more mature. I couldnt get you off my mind afterward, I didnt think I liked you then but I know differently know. I found myself glancing around the halls for you, i stayed after school once with some friends and found you in the weight room. we chatted for a bit again, that was fun, again. When I came over top chat with you I remeber you commented that you smelled from wrestling practice/training. I didnt care. When i found you were in my gym class second tri i was extatic (still was oblivious to this feeling, new it was different, just didnt know why.) he he. I got to bug you. That was fun. I apologize if I actually did bug you. When you were worried about me cause I was secluding myself from the world, you asked me what was wrong, just that i admitted something was wrong astounded me, telling you the basics, was even more of a shocker. later is when i started realizing what I felt for you. Science was fun too, thats when i realized the full extent of this. I was talking to a friend on the phone about boy things, she was curious as to who i liked, of course i made her guess. and for some reason I was all smileyes for long after, which is unusual. Thats when i realized how much i might actually like you. This summer is gonna kill me, not seeing you...weird...

♥ Sincerely
The Stupid Little Girl

Dear Almost Every Boy On This Planet That I Have Chance With

Grow up. Please