June 14th, 2005

(no subject)

i'm starting to think i'm just another one of those girls he flirts with all the time.
he tells some girl-friends of his that he loves them, he wants them, they're so beautiful, he misses them, he wants to hang out..
i thought he just meant it in a carefree way and really meant it when he said it to me
but now i think i'm just another one of those
and who knows, maybe he makes out with them too and then just goes about his day..?
god, i hope not.
i hope there's something different about me.
i hope he meant it when he kissed me...

i'm afraid of telling him how i really feel.. but i want to establish a real relationship with him.
i'm afraid he just thinks i'm cute and is just teasing
i'm afraid he doesn't feel the same as i do
i dont want to be his friend that has intimate nights with him occasionally and acts like it never happened.
i want him. all of him. officially.
and i want him to want me too.


(no subject)

Dear Ben,
I don't know why we acted like we did with eachother, but I miss it. I miss having you there during a boring class period to put your arms around me. I miss sitting with you. I miss playfully hugging you, and I miss the way you used to pull me into your lap while talking to someone, like Nick, and no one would care.
I miss the past day of school, and the way we were both too shy to do anything. So, when the camera was out, all you could do was quickly put your arms around me, and then continue to hold me once the camera was off. And all I could do was smile.
It felt so good to be in your arms.
But, I have a girlfriend, and you know that. You have girls running after you all the time, and I know that.
You were the friend that I was always with. We hardly talked, but we were always together, and when we weren't, we would find a way to be. I would wake up during class to you playing with my hair. You would randomly reach over and grab my hand, sitting there in silence. You know I'm with a girl. You were there to hold my hand when Nick got mad at me for it. Yet, we don't really talk.
I wish I could get up the nerve to call you, but the last thing you said to me was "Don't do anything crazy over the summer, I can't wait to see you next year." Next year. Who is to say that, since we'll be seniors, we won't change? We have a full 3 months to ourselves. Time does things to people. I wish I would pick up that damn phone, call your number, and say, "I miss being with you. Let's go out. To the movies, to a park, anywhere. Just you and me, or with friends. I don't care. Being in your arms makes me feel so completly.. right."
We're friends, and not friends with benifits. But I miss being in your arms. And that feeling.. I don't know what it is.
And that scares me.
peace of mind

uuuggghhh make it stop

Dear tears,

Please stop lurking in that dark place you hide. I can feel you at the surface, waiting until I let you fall. And I won't. If I cry now, that will mean that it's perfectly fine to cry later. It's not. It's not fine to cry about this anymore. It's over. Let me go on with my life, please.

The person you plague

Dearest Ghost-memories,

Leave already. Stop haunting me with thoughts that I don't want anymore...if I ever wanted them in the first place. I just want all this pain to be over. I know I screwed up. I've acknowledged that. What else do you want from me? I'll never be with him again...so just leave me alone. I don't want to think about him. I just want to be able to move on. And, yes, maybe I am trying to be okay too soon. Maybe I'm pushing this whole "healing process" too fast. Oh well. That's the way I do things...or at least that's the way I'm going to do this thing. So just quit.

The person you haunt

Dear You,

I can't stop thinking about you. I know that this isn't going to help anything. I know this letter is nothing, even if you read it. I know we won't be together again, unless fate takes some strange, unexpected turn. I'd say that that's okay, as I have so many times before...but I can't say that. You were the most perfect person that ever came into my life. Right after you broke up with me, you made the statement that I must not want to be happy...I'm starting to think that might be true. If I had wanted to be happy, I would have never cheated on you, knowing that it would ruin our relationship. I want you to know that you made me happier than I've ever been in my life. It hurts me to know that I hurt you. I know that, for you, all of this is over. I know that you're over me and our relationship...that you're ready to move on...and I think that's one of the reasons I'm hurting so much right now. But I deserve this pain...you didn't deserve any of the things I did to you.

You think that I'm such a different person from the girl you went out with...but I'm not. I'm still basically the same, with the addition of a piercing and the whole smoking thing...and now I finally know how your true value...something I never knew while we were dating. If anything, I'm a better person than when we dated.

I guess I don't really want for us to date again...what I want is for us to never have stopped. And, quite obviously, I can't have that. So I just want to stop missing you now...and I want to stop feeling like I could burst into tears any second. When I remember you, all I can think about is the good things. Especially now, in the summer...I can't stop comparing it to last summer. Everything I do holds memories of you...even driving on the on-ramp to the interstate by my house. Every time I drive up there, I remember how you almost killed us by going up the wrong one. haha. And when I drive, I remember how you could not keep a constant speed for anything, except when the cruise control was on.

My room looks bare with all those pictures of you gone...and for some reason, I can't remember where I put them. I suppose that's a good thing...they'd probably just make me cry. I wish there was some sort of detox program for relationships.

Spack told me that I need to stop dwelling on this...to stop thinking that I'll never have as wonderful a relationship as the one we had...to stop thinking that no one will ever love me like you did, or that no one will ever be as perfect as you were. He's right...I do need to stop, but the only way I know how to is to start dating someone else. And I can't imagine having anyone else hold me or ...anything. I just can't imagine being in another relationship. I know that the next person I go out with I'll constantly compare to you...and that won't be fair to him/her. But I can't help it! You were everything. You were perfect. And I still love you.

The person you could care less about anymore.
Isabelle at the looking glass
  • ziarre

(no subject)

Dear G*****:

I don't know if you know,
but I think I kind of love you
and it's part lust(part bodies sleeping next to each other, part being kissed for the first time),
but it's part other things too - like
your NOFX tshirt and your laugh
and that gentle night
when we were both drunk in the kitchen
and I finally knew that I had been lying
to myself about you.

Can I tell you this?
Can I have you?


Random Thoughts

Dear School, Please be over! I am so sick of having to get up and go sit and be bored because you teachers have nothing planned. At the moment it's a waste of time. Grrr.....


Dear Sam, Sorry I didn't call you today. I just didn't feel like hanging out with you. All you ever do is complain and I am sick of it. Can't you try being happy around me? I mean, when your with Amanda your laughing and smililing. But when you talk to me your always mad and have nothing good to say. I hate it. I'm your best friend. But right now you feel so far away it's as if we are on two different planets. I'm sorry the whole baseball thing isn't working out for you. I can't help that. I go through it too. I have played longer than you, I know what the pressure and stress feels like. So don't talk to me like I have no clue. I am just so frustrated with you. I don't like telling other people about this because they would say it's normal. I know it is, but your just begining to become a little to much for me to handle. The attitude, the way you dress. I am so sorry, but somedays I'm embarrassed to be seen with you. I know you own a belt. Try putting it on and keeping your shorts up. I really don't get why you roll your shirts up over another shirt either. It looks so ridiculous. I am so glad to be going away next week. I'm gonna miss you, but I need this vacation. I am so sorry.



Dear Kim, Can't wait for next week! We are gonna have to much fun. Don't worry.


Dear Linda, Why are you acting so strange? Why are you telling Sarah things that you won't tell me? I thought we were friends. I told you everything and trusted you. I thought you trusted me to. But apparently not because you don't talk to me like you used to.


Dear Matt, One of these days we have to watch all those movies you talk about. And we can't forget to watch Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Sorry things with Bobbi didn't work out this year.


Dear Steve, I'm not stupid.


Dear Anybody, Am I a moron? Am I just wasting my time putting all these things in a community? What do you think? Most of the stuff is random and meaningless. Am I just completely pathetic and worthless?


Love, Emily (Sorry everything was so random, I'm bored.)

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(no subject)

daer mom,
Once again why do you think I'm lieing to you becuase I'm not. dad is in town and he talks to me which is why I knew what was in that letter. Have you thought that justin might not have told you that they were moving in together because he didn't want to hear you complain. Did you know that if you could teach, which isn't that hard, and use the degree you had in college you would be able to be in a bigger house and therefore wouldn't be complaining abut dad's former briar hill house. You know you've made a bunch of mistakes in your life that I don't ever want to make. You've caused me not to get married to an alcoholic person or to disown my own children. You've taught me to not force my children into sports because it won't make them happy. Mostly I've learned what I never want to be.

In an attempt to please you I've driven out of my way to stop by and say hello when I've been spending time at dad's simply because you complained david never did. To be honest half the time I'd rather not come by at all.

sincerely the reluctant daughter.

Dear guy I know,
if only you hadn't been wasted when we talked. And yet even when I know you probably won't remember it I couldn't tell you what I wish I could. oh well it's definately too late but the thought was kinda nice.

dear Chris,
whya re your christmas lights up and why haven't you called me back. I so wanted to hang out this summer and accomplish so many of the things on my list...I had you in mind for like four of them but perhaps that won't happen and I'll abandon my list here and jsut start the UA one.