June 11th, 2005

(no subject)


If only you knew.

I wish you knew. All the secrets that I keep. The jumbled thoughts that I would never express. Those words that are permanently locked inside my mind. I wish you knew the lonliness that burdens my heart. That I want so passionately to be your little girl. And how deeply it hurts me to know that I will never be enough for you. I see the disappointment in your eyes. But I wish you could only see the pain that hides in mine. I wish you knew the years I spent trying to become your model of perfection. Starving myself, wishing, praying, dying for your love. Thinking that making myself skinnier would make you proud of me. Thinking that maybe being smaller I could be yours. I was starving. Starving for your acceptance. Your approval. I wish you knew the emptiness I felt, even during all those trips. Years spent competing, learning, practicing. Winning ribbons, trophies, advancing levels. Praying that piano would be my escape into your love. And hoping that winning would equate pride. I wish you knew about her. How I kept all her secrets. That her secrets became mine. And that I cried for days when she told me she was pregnant. But you never knew. She didn't fit into your mold, she had to force herself into it. I cried for her. I cried for me. Most of all I cry for you. Hours spent trying to become more for you. I shut people out. Never let them get close. I wish you knew how scared I am because if they get close, they will know all my imperfections. That I'm not good enough for them either. I wish I knew how to make you happy. I wish I knew how to make myself happy. To convince myself that I have a family, a home, a comfortable (and blessed) life; and that those are enough. Somehow I am still inadeqaute. Continually falling short of your acceptance. I wish you knew how much an "I'm proud of you." would mean to me. I wish you knew the real me. And were supportive of the fact that I'm still finding her.

I wish you truly knew me.

Your daughter.

(no subject)

You know something is wrong when you don't like your friends anymore......... and they're not even mean, they're NICE and want to help you.



Your immaturity and sensitivity bugs the fuck out of me. Like, grow the hell up already! You're not my best friend - you never will be. You're nothing close to what i am looking for in a true friend. I can't trust you to tell me the painful honest truth, all you do is lie to make me happy.

I'm unhappy enough as it is. I don't need your pity. I DON'T WANT ANY pity from anyone.

I don't even know why I'm not happy now. It seems like I've just gotten used to it and I can't feel anything else. I don't even know if I still love him or not. I don't even know what I want.

All I know is that I miss Nathan. And us. And seeing you and Ryan pisses me off because you think you're such hot stuff because you have a boyfriend.

I hate your insensitivity. It bugs me. You don't/can't/whatever, I don't give a fuck, spare a thought for other's feelings. all you think of is yourself. You don't even know me. You leave me behind and come to me only when you have no other friends. You act all sympathetic.

I don't want that.

I just want a listening ear. I don't want any smartarsed replies. Any pity. I want an honest opinion, not a lie to please me. I want someone who I can be brutally honest with, and will be that way with me too.

I can't stand you anymore. FUCK OFF.

the person you think is your best friend.