I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope

You,

Words cannot explain the torment that you put through my heart, after years and years of imagining our little home together, or life. Of it seeming so close to reality that I could TASTE it, and within in an instant I puffed it all away. I didn't really want all that much from you, just some love and attention. I can't read signals, I've never been good at it. And instead of reading them the right way, I interpeted you being interested in me and lost a friend. I guess I'm just really greedy, who knows.

Love me.

To The Boy Who Broke My Heart,

You may not remember me but I remember you
you filled me up and emptied me out
you tore my heart in two
You probably didnt even notice and if you did
you probably didnt care
but ever since things fell apart
my life has been a living hell
right when im about over you and everything is going great
you always come back
to take alittle more
never a moment too late
And I turn back
forgetting everything I once looked forward to
I give up trying to forget
just for one more touch from you..

Dear You,

I hate what you have done to me. You have punished me for crimes that I haven't commited. You have completely destroyed all self-esteem and self-worth I had. You hurt me. You hurt me worse than anyone else I have ever known has hurt me. The controlling,possessive,jealous side of you was always there. I guess I should have seen it. I was blind. I saw what I wanted to see. I thought the jealousy meant that you cared, that you weren't going to hurt me. But you did. You almost killed me. Anorexia, suicide thoughts... what else could you put me through? No... you never hit me. Never. But I still have bruises. Emotional bruises. The one person that I should have been able to trust, the one person who should have loved me more than anyone else that I knew, and you wouldn't. Did you ever love me? Ever? Because if you did, you certainly had a funny way of showing it. Maybe it's all you ever knew how to do. I don't care. You have put me and my friends and my family through so much. You don't even know.
Then you decide that I'm not over you? Guess what pal... I am. I can't stand to talk to you anymore. Everytime I think about it I get sick. I didn't deserve to be treated like that. I didn't ever do anything to you. Why couldn't you do the same for me?
I'm not angry anymore. Because now there is someone else. He loves me. He thinks I'm perfect exactly how I am. He has been trying so hard to undo all the damage you have done, and I love him for it. He is everything that you never were. He doesn't get mad everytime I say "Hello" to another guy. He doesn't yell at me when I don't do just exactly what he wants me to. He loves me and he understands me. He is, slowly but surely, healing my scars.
-Me.

Sorry that was so long guys. I just felt like I needed to say it.

I don't know who the hell you are, random blog tagboard mouther, but when I find out who you are, I will hunt you down and chop your head off.

I have enough torment without you adding to my pain.

And if it's really you, Nathan, I'm going to fucking kick you in the balls. Adding insult to injury - my stiches are still bleeding, they're about to come apart but you just rip them right open.

Who do you think you are?! You think you're such a great catch. I guess, in a way you WERE. You understood me, the things I couldn't do. Then you got complacent. And even after the many times I told you, you still didn't do anything. You just sat on your bum and expected our relationship to run itself.

Love doesn't mean a relationship will work out. Up til now I don't even know what we did wrong - what I did wrong. You won't talk to me, you think I'm desperate to get you back when I'm actually running away from you. I don't even know you anymore.

You aren't the sweet loving boy I fell in love with. You've changed SO much.

 

And after all you've done I still miss you. God, Eliza, how stupid can you get?! HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN YOU GET?! Sometimes I just wish something, someone could just erase you. Erase all our happy memories. I want to get a move on with my life. I want to move on.

But you're holding me back.

All day in school when you were near me, I made a big show of being happy. The fact is, I'm NOT. I'm far from it. That laugh, the jokes you hear me make - they're FAKE.

I don't think of you as much anymore but I'm not even happy. The last time I was genuinely happy (or near it) was when you came over for the last time, when you hugged me tight and kissed me like you meant it, handed me your break up letter (though I didn't know it) and rode away on your bike.

And I know it's stupid (and not to mention, WEIRD), but everytime I walk past your bike leaning against he wall that you always put it on, I wonder what it would say if it could talk, if it missed me, if it felt as sad as I did. I think of the times you pushed me along as I sat on it, the times you kissed me as I sat on it, waiting for you to get your shoes done and tied up.

I don't even know myself anymore.

Fuck, Nathan. I can't believe I still miss you. I can do so much better yet I'm still pining for you.

If only I could eradicate you from my life.

suicide doesnt kill people; sadness does

Dear You,

There's so much I need to say to you...but in writing, or even out loud, it all seems so trite. It frustrates me so much that at one time I could share all of my feelings with you, but now...it's just...nothing. I'm not sure what I'm feeling...and I'm sure you'd listen if I wanted to tell you...but I can't. I can't explain it. And here I am...I'm the writer...I explain all of my feelings with a pen or a keyboard, and I can't make any of it make sense...or fit what's inside. That's so strange for me, to be so without words when so much is going on within myself. I guess I'll just end this...because it's quite pointless if I'm only going to explain how I can't explain anything to you.

Love Always and Forever,
Me



Dear M.,

I want to forgive you, but there are so many hurt feelings that I can't seem to get over just yet. It hurts me that you were holding all that inside, that you never said anything...but you were thinking it, pretending to be my friend all this time. I mean, it leaves me wondering if you put up with me over the last year simply because I was dating your friend. And you tell me that I'm fake...or don't tell me per se, but post it on your lj, but here you were the entire time PRETENDING to like me. And I'm the hypocrite?

Furthermore, you can't presume to know how I act around certain groups of people whom you've never seen me interact with. You don't know who I am around the retreat team, around my gay friends, around my parents, around anyone except you and the rest of the people who I counted among my best friends until just recently. FYI, I am the same exact person around everyone. EVERYONE. I don't change myself for people. I'm not the swaggering Shane-esque dyke for the other dykes. I'm not some pius little Bible-thumper around my retreat team, and I'm not some little angel for my parents. I'm the same person you've known me as. And yes, I do have flaws, but EVERYONE DOES. Just because I sin, it does not mean that I'm a terrible Catholic. It does not make me a heretic. It does not make me evil. It simply means that I'm human. "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick...For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance." (Matthew 9:11-12)

And maybe you don't want my forgiveness. Maybe it would piss you off to know that I pray with everything in me every night that I find love for you somewhere deep inside. Frankly, I don't care. I need to forgive you for me, for my well-being and sanity, and for no one else.

When I do forgive you, I'll want to tell you that I have. And that, I know, will make you angry. Because so far, when I've forgiven the others, I've apologized to them, but I won't be apologizing to you, because I have nothing for which to apologize to you. I didn't do anything to you. None of my actions over the past weeks have involved you; all of them were between me and him. So, you are the one that should apologize. Don't worry though...and I know you won't...I don't expect an apology from you, because that's simply not the way you're wired. And I know that. Maybe you'll never forgive me my supposed transgressions against you, and that's fine with me, but it shouldn't be fine with you. Because as much as you want me out of your life, until you forgive me, I'll always have a piece of it.

Sincerely,
Other M.


Dear B.,

I'm scared. I'm scared that we started all of this too soon. And I don't want you to know that I am, because maybe I'm wrong. Maybe everything will be just fine, and I'm just being a crazy girl and having mood swings. Maybe I don't still love him...maybe I'm completely over him.

Perhaps if we just wait this out...wait until I can actually think clearly about dating someone else, then we can have something. The honest fact of the matter is that the dating part doesn't scare me; it's thinking about potentially falling in love again that does. Part of me believes that I don't deserve to ever love again, and the other part doesn't want to love anyone except him. Neither part will listen to the reasonable voice somewhere inside that is trying to assure me that everything will be just fine.

I find my feelings for you waxing and waning. Right now, they're somewhere in the middle, I suppose. I'm not entirely sure...I'm not sure of anything anymore when it comes to you.

And I don't want to hurt you like I hurt him. Spack told me that he thinks the reason I did it was because I wanted out of the relationship without hurting him...he thinks it was just a manifestation of my disenchantment about the whole thing. I think he's right. I mean...I did want out...but I wanted it without hurting him and without hurting myself. I mean, I still loved him, I just wasn't happy anymore.

Most of my problems spring from not wanting to hurt people. And already I'm afraid to hurt you. But I promise that when it's time for you and I to be over, I'll let you know. I won't pretend to be happy. I won't smile and hug you and kiss you like nothing's wrong. I won't let you think that everything's okay when it's not. Because if I've learned anything from this, I've learned that sometimes trying not to hurt people hurts them more in the end.

Always,
Monique


Dear Self,

I can't believe you're planning to do what I think you are. It's kind of funny...but, Lord. Come on, now. Someone opens a door a crack, and you want to see if you can push it all the way. You're a strange, strange girl.

Sincerely,
You

Dear *****,
I jsut wrote you a long letter. About how I like you, but I won't say anything, because you're a good friend and I don't want to risk awkwardness between us. And it was actually a decent letter. But then I was stupid and accidentally posted it to my journal, flipped out, and deleted it when I couldn't figure out how to go and post it here instead and I didn't want people to see it there....Twice....So sorry, this is my replacement letter. It's not long, it's not heartfelt, but I pretty much wrote myself out in that other letter....

~*M*~

Dear LJ client,
:-p to you for not having an easy way to me to switch over my entry. Bah...