June 5th, 2005

peace of mind

(no subject)

Dear You,

We definitely need to wait awhile. It's too soon for me to be able to date you without constantly comparing the things you do to the things he did. As much as I say I'm over him...I'm not quite where I need to be yet. He and I are over forever, and I know that...there are just some lingering feelings that need to be gone before I can start a relationship again. I mean, you don't just go from loving someone to having no feelings whatsoever in the span of...a month and a half, has it been?

In so many ways it feels like it's been forever...but I still have some of his things...and some of his pictures...and letters...I don't look at them, or read them anymore...but still they're there.

Still, the fact remains that I like you. Right now, I can't imagine ever falling in love with you, but maybe that's better. I don't know where this will go...but I do know that it's not going to go anywhere very quickly. And that's excellent. I need to know that right now so that I don't get scared and turn my back on everything we might one day have.

Let's be friends right now...good friends with the possibility of one day being more.


(no subject)

Dear ryan,
I saw you tonight and realized how you can act totatlly into a person who just weeks ago you said you didn't really like. I know that in your thoughts you might doubt whatever you two are but you two act like we once did. I find it very weird but I am glad I saw it because now I know that we were nothing in your mind and that in the end I was nothiong more then a possible friend.


Dear _____(five letter name,
I almost invited you tonight and then thought it might have been wierd but the more the night went on the more I continued to think about things you would have said or done. and I know I have no way of knowing this for sure I think i predicted it fairly well. I would have loved to see you try and play air hockey or to attempt the horse races that were actually fun. I keep thinking about you and I am not sure why because it is possible that I will never see you again in person and I don't want that to happen but I don't want to make it weird. so just for you I will keep this livejournal updated and hope endlessly for you to comment on my days...if only you might be a part of them instead.

(no subject)

arghasrd ashifasehaewit aeri hiareh vdf AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


I KNOW what the song means, I know you're home, I know you and I know what I want... I WANT YOU!!! But you want something else, someone else, even though you said you didnt... then again I said I couldnt move on, but I DIDNT... you think I did because I got drunk, because I kissed someone else... WHY DO YOU THINK THAT WAS!!!?!?!?!? Omg kill me, Im braking, falling apart... arghrgahrghew thlas!!!!!I tried to stop that kiss, but you're not going to believe that, he pushed me to the floor, I said NO, but he grabbed my hand, I made up excuses but he just nodded and carried on, I admit I could have kneed him, I could have stopped it properly... WHY DIDNT I?! Im so glad she walked in and it stopped, he asked me if I wanted to "go for it" in school on the floor when Id said "no" over and over, its still my fault and the fact he's a dick doesnt change that I still let it happen in the first place, I felt compelled to make him happy when he carried on.... ARGAHR K Im such a bitch and I want you to move on... Just not with somebody else, I dont want you because Ill only hurt you and you wouldnt want me now anyway, but I cant stand you being with someone else, likeing HER of all the people. She'll do the same as me, she'll do what I did even though she hates me for it.. I know her, and she cant be in relationships, shes got a boyfriend but you think that'll stop her? If it didnt when she knew how much I loved you then what would stop her now? Shes me, she may hate me and everything Ive done, but she IS me, why do you think the same guys go for both of us? Why do you think we go for the same guys?! SHE IS ME!!! A prettier face and a bit more money, and shes me, she'll hurt you just like I did, but you want her, and thats the only way you'll learn... hopefully not in the same way as the other guys we've hurt... but I dont see how else?!?!

ARGH RHWAELITh<---This is ME this is how I feel:'(

God dont let this carry on, not that I believe in you unless im in need of something... even then I dont really, I just want... thats me want want want.... always what I cant have, always whats just out of reach... yet somehow on many occasions Ive got it, what I want... and found I never really wanted it, I wanted the chase, this is different... Ive wanted him so much so many times, all the time... and everytime so far Ive got him somehow, no matter what Ive done hes always been there, even when hesays he isnt... not this time... IM ALONE!!! Its what I deserve and its what he needs, why cant it be easy?!

Love K x

little mermaid

take this razor, sign your name across my wrist so everyone will know who left me like this.


i am here for you
i want to be here for you.
when youre sad
come to me
i can be the one you run to
you're the one i run to
i will hug you and love you and tell you that everything is alright and help you forget her.
i helped you forget her once, i can help you forget her again
on another note...
i am so fucking worried about what's going to happen to me when you leave in august.
i think im going to finally break down and realize that i guess i probably should get around to getting over you, cause it would probably help in the whole 'im lonely 24/7' thing


you are fucking pathetic.
  • Current Music
    Bayside - Synonym For Acquiesce

(no subject)

Dear Kevin,

I'm writing to tell you that I've had my eye on you ever since I first saw you. Since that first football game where I sat next to you and Bennett. I've liked you since the band dance and you grabed me. I've always liked you but never could tell you. I don'y have the courage or strenght to tell you in person. I'm afraid of rejection, afraid of what may come, just in general afarid of love. Being your friend is great but I would like to be more. I do't know how your feel about me. I know you like her, but I feel her and Tom are close. I don't know how to tell you that I like you, not just a little but a whole lot. I've had the feeling forever but just never expressed it. Should I tell you myself? or a friend? or should I write you a note and run away?

Taking you to my senior ball was the best choice I have EVER made. Dancing close to you was amazing and I wish you would have never let me go. I know that you being a freshmen and me beign a senior is odd but I'm drawn to you. Ball was amazing and it was you who made it so wonderful. Just sitting next to you in the limo was amzaing.

I once ask myself... do I tell you how I feel?

  • Current Mood
    loved In Love

(no subject)

Dear Dia,
We were best friends and you're risking that over tennis!?
I admit I over reacted but come on...
It really hurts me that you have to think hard about keeping our friendship.
Trust me, the good outways the bad by A LOT.
We spent days on end together & shared everything...
Don't you feel like something's missing?
I do.
I mean, this is the stupidest fight I have ever been in...
and as you know I have been in some stupid ass fights.

Dear FFTL,
Get your songs out of my head, I mean I love you and all but random outbursts of "Shake it like a salt shaker" aren't what I need right now.

Dear The Cure,
Your new shit sucks. Go back to Friday I'm in love or things may get drastic, Boys Don't Cry was better on you.

Dear Music World,
Lower the damn price of Party Monster before I have to arrive at your door with an angry mob, pitchforks and torches.

Dear Life,
Start existing, I'm bored.

(no subject)

Dear You,

Today I decided we have an ambivalent relationship. Or, rather, I am ambivalent about my feelings for you. I like you so much- it consumes me, the depth of these emotions. I might even love you. I can't even imagine how it would be to not be so dependent on you. My life revolves around seeing you on Tuesdays and Sundays and occasional Fridays, our nightly talks on the phone, my good morning's, and all the thoughts in between. I live for contact. Your hand, so tight, in mine. Your arm snaked around my waist. My chin resting on your shoulder. And the automatic smile that emerges on my lips whenever I first see you. That's what make this so hard. Ultimately, there's nothing wrong with our relationship (or semi-relationship?). We talk, we have fun, I love each second with you. I'll blame it on 5 months of this. This, whatever we are. I don't call you my boyfriend, yet I don't object when other refer to you as just that. Friends with benefits, just doesn't fit. We're more. At least to me, there is depth in what we have. And friends is pitiful. I have enough friends, I don't need you as one. My boyfriend without the title. How long are we just "together"? Maybe our moment has already past. But it's too late. I'm already attached and too scared to let go. We're inching. But it seems stupid to "just get it over with and make it official". If anyone has a right to be impatient, I believe it would be us- not them. We've never made it something exclusive. But in all this time, neither of us has done anything to make it otherwise. I'm afriad I've gotten comfortable.

  • Current Music
    Coldplay- Yellow

(no subject)

1:26 am
happy birthday, kiddo. today, you're eight years old. the big year for you. you finally get that huge disneyland trip that your parents promised you a year before. you know, you never did let them forget about that promise. and if it weren't for your sickness, you would probably be up with me. right now. you would be here. with me.
you know, there isn't a day that goes by where it doesn't hurt. the pain still lingers. i can still hear your bright laugh every time scotty would tell you a joke. and if i think hard enough, i can see your cheerful smile everytime i would come and visit you. oh man, your smile. warm enough to melt even the coldest of hearts. that warm, reassuring, gleaming smile... i miss that. i miss you.
i don't know if you were old enough to comprehend this or not, but you were a big inspiration there at the hospital. everybody, kids and grown-ups alike, looked up to you, kiddo. it's not the same place without you. the kids seem more nervous... more afraid. you were their only constant in that place. so please. be with them. they need you. we need you.
i know i'll see you soon. save me a place up there, will ya?
with all my love,

The people I love <3

My Becki,
You're beautiful. He couldn't see it. I do. You're one of my best friends, and I'm here for you.
Love, Susan

You mean so much to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you for always being there when I need you. Now, it's my turn to offer those condolences. I'm always here for you. I hate that I'm in the middle. I hate hearing her cry, but even worse, I hate hearing you pretend that nothing's wrong. Hell... I hate the thought that I might be the reason this happened. The point is, I think you're wonderful. I have since first grade. Well.. not the whole time. But since we were reunited in H.S.? I thank God for you. You're wonderful, and I'm so sorry you had to do what you had to do. I understand though. You'll be ok. *hugs*
Love, Susan

I was really, really hurt last night. I hate that feeling. You know you mean absolutely everything to me. And I know your phone was on. Why were you so cold after the movie? We held hands, you held me tight, and it was wonderful. We laughed and joked. I was dorky, but I'm always dorky, and it was no more than normal. I don't understand what changed from when you had your hands around my waist walking out of the theatre, to the time we got to the car. I don't understand how I'm so easy to treat like crap, I don't understand how you can joke around all the time. I'm just like everyone else - I need to be told I'm beautiful every now and then, I need your support, I need you to show you care. I show you.. I made you the cd, I melt in your arms, I do anything I can, everything I can for you. And sometimes, I don't feel like you even care about me, let alone love me. I know how you suck with emotions, haha, it's true. But can you please try a little bit? I'd appreciate it.
I absolutely love you. I was really sad when you left early, and wouldn't answer the phone... I'd call you now, but I know you're at your fajah's. I'll give you the privacy that you'd die without. But please be there for me when I need you. I do need you. I love you more than you know. Show me that you feel that way, like you say you do?
Love, your chick

PS - Let the good times roll.

"Just hold on for one more second, just hold on to what you have."
  • Current Music
    "My Reply," The Ataris

(no subject)

dear nose and face... i fucking hate you why cant you let me live a life of breathing and not dying of allergies.. like nose you are cute and all but learn how to inhale and eyes yes your blue but get over it i need to see with you and with you watering i look like a complete drug addict...hey mouth what do you think a nice doobie will fix this situation now brain think were can i get one?
  • Current Music
    she--green day

I'm new...

I'm new. I was surfing through lj and I found this community and it looked pretty cool. So I decided to join. Anyways, here's my letter.

Hey you.
I love you. More than you can ever know. We will get through this. I know we will. It will be hard but I want to do it. More than anything else I just want to be with you. I know you feel the same. I know you won't let them win. This is your life, not theirs. They can't tell you or me how to feel, and I'm so glad that you haven't let them stop you. I know this is hard for you right now, and believe me, I would do ANYTHING if I could change it. Anything. You know that. I really do believe that this will get better one day. In the meantime, we will just have to fight it. We will have to fight them. It won't be easy, but we can do it. I love you.
  • Current Music
    Poprocks and Coke*Greenday

My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry; whichever you prefer.

Heh, it was so funny... The other day my mom was asking what I'd like for my birthday, and under my breath I hissed "Chris!" Ever since I first saw you and talked to you, I've wanted to be with you. You're amazing, hilarious, brilliant, sweet, everything I look for in a guy. You say you should get a motorcycle because your personality clearly doesn't attract anyone... BUT I"M RIGHT HERE!!!!!!! And oh how I want to tell you... ButI cannot bring myself to do it. I can't... I'm too afraid.
Afraid of being hurt again... Mentally, emotionally, in more ways than one. I am tired of my heart being broken. But I think... I think I might end up giving it to you freely. Consider yourself lucky, mi amor. I don't do this often.
Buenas noches,
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative