June 4th, 2005

(no subject)

stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it

please stop hurting.
please please please.
I would do anything.

I miss you so much. OMFG.

I seriously did not think it was possible to miss someone this much. i've been crying so hard I feel like I got kicked in the stomach. my contacts are so fucked up. i miss you so much. it physically hurts me. I long for you so bad sometimes I can't breathe. all of those times i've been to the doctors latley, are 'cause of you. 'cause I hyperventalate. & I don't understnad why I can fucking spill my heart into a fucking online journal btu I can't tell my best friend. best friends, or a counsler or anyone. omg odl;j FJKFVELFJK ELFJLDJVIK HJKHSAD KSJhdk ljfejgfdsjklfsj bxjblfsgjkldsgj lfl.

I DON'T WANT THEM TO TAKE ME BACK TO THAT PLACE.

but it takes so much of my energy to try to prentend i'm okay.

& I'M STILL REALLY FUCKING STONED.

& i have a fucking guily ass consenince becuase of it.

omg I miss you sooo much.

my wrist won't stop bleeding.

i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help

I miss you so much.

& p/s, hey dad.
I blame you.
for all of this pain.
I keep listening to that chirstian aguiliera song about her dad.
" I ofter wonder why I carry all this guilt when it's you who help me put up all these walls i've built. " the first time I smelled pot, I was like oh, that smells like my dad.

I want you to fucking know that I can't stay mad at anyone but you. i'll get ina fight with a friend & i'll appologize after 2 minutes. or I will appologize when it's not necasary because it's too much energy for me to hold any anger for anyone else besides you. & myself. jacob fucking found some weed at yr house yesterday. YR SUCH A FUCKING HYPOCRITE. I can't stand it. I CAN'T STAND YOU. why are you allowed to be happy ? why are you allowed to love again after everyone in this fucked up shit hole of a family has been affected by you.

I HATE YOU.

& I hate myself because I do.

WHATS WRONG WITH ME ?

" HOW MANY DAYS HAVE YOU JUST SLEPT AWAY ?
IS EVERYBODY HIGH ?

... & HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU WISHED YOU WERE STRONG. "

GODOGODOF[D FKDL;FJJDVKL AHHHHHHHHHHH.

I MISS MY BOYFRIEND.
he's the only person in the whole world who knows how to make these tears stop.
I'M SOOO MAD AT GOD.

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME ?
WHY AM I ALLOWED TO BE FEELING THIS PAIN ?
WHY WHY WHY.
I THOUGHT YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER HURT ME.
I THOGUTH YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T EVER GIVE ME MORE THEN I CAN TAKE,
WELL I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

this is all my fault.

i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry

karmas a bitch.
please just tell me what I did to deserve this.

& please, send my boyfriend home soon. I love him.

(no subject)

To my babygirl,

I love you so much. I'm so worried about you my chest hurts and I can't stop crying. Please go back home. Things are better now. You'll see when we talk. Just please be okay. I love you so much that I don't know what I'd do without you.

Love,
Laura. xxxx

P.S. The scars will heal baby. I promise.
rose1

(no subject)

Have you ever thought that its all going right, and the good stuff is so good that no matter what happens nothing can spoil it for you, nothing can make you feel sad, alone, and like you on the edge of the fucking world!!!
I had it all back, Id made a life for myself! My mum was off the anti's, I refused to see my dad again and he didnt put up too much of a fight, my sister was on the medication so her hyper freakyness had stopped, Id gotten to the point where Sam was trusting in me again we might have got back together, the group of people I hang around with didnt like me but they were being polite and involving me in conversations! Then it all falls down!!! My mums talking to my dad again their getting on WAY to well for my liking, my mums drinking alot and shes going to America to stay with some guy from the internet!!My sister became anorexic due to her medication so theyve taken her off it, my "friends" have found a whole new reason to hate me and I now have to leave the school, Ive started cutting again, and I cant call out to anybody because I dont want my mum to find out and feel guilty and drink more or whatever. Sam and me are over for good and I know it this time, he hates me I know it all because just like my pathetic parents I turned to alcohol when times got bad... I cant believe we kissed, hes like a brother and the thought of it makes me feel sick, SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK!!!!! And of course he would be the most attention seeking friend I have(and I have alot) and he has to tell everyone some fucked up set of events that really didnt happen!Just to increase everyones hatred for me!!!!!!!
Right now Im living for music, and my true friends who I love so much(in the graveyeard), and the hope that maybe my mum will get better now she has interviews for her perfect job... I have the hope that my nan will get better, or atleast be peaceful until its time... I have the hope I get into college and wont need school anymore... I have the hope that I can move on from the guy I truely love SO SO SO SO SO much!!! And I have this journal, which is my new life...
Im going to try and be positive, its all I can do...
Love K x

(no subject)

Dear boy,

I just want you to know, I'm done liking you. I don't know why I did in the first place. If you're not going to act the same around everyone while you're with your girlfriend then I don't see why you have something going for you. I like people who are real and that is obviously not you. If you cannot act the same around the people you're always with.. then what should I see in you? If we dated (IF) I think that I'd figure out how different you act around the others.. its not just a little minor change, you get all quiet, you dont talk to us, you act like you're high a lot.. I dont like it. I liked you when you tried to change yourself so you would be a better person..almost as if you would fit my standards.. I told you how much I hated when people smoke pot.. and you stopped and ALWAYS told me how long it'd been since you had smoked.. I liked you when you would come and talk to me in the halls.. I liked you when you were.. you.
***************************************
Dear OTHER boy,

See, I keep telling myself that I don't like you. It'd be SO wierd if i did.I mean, you are crazy about my best friend, i know you don't like me anyway. I wish i could control my feelings.. life would be so much easier. it kills me when you tell me how beautiful you think she is.. or how much you like her.. i think i'd rather get stabbed in my chest than hear that.
glow tree

(no subject)

Dear me,

Remember to breath.
Remember to be gentle with yourself.
Remember to live.
Remember to love, though it hurts.
Remember patience.
Remember to wish on that star, still.
Remember the good.
Remember the dreams.
Forget the all the bad.
You will be fine.

Love,
me

##

Dear you,

You were right.
Giving false hope is bad.
I'm glad we didn't make promises.

- me

##

Dear Fate,

You truly do have a sick sense of humor, don't you?

Moving on,
me
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