i'm starting to freak out here. i don't know what the hell i'm feeling but i know it'll probably lead to shit. i think im falling for you. and i don't want to cause i know i'll just end up tripping up. i don't know whats going on with us, but the thinking about you isn't stopping. i think i trust you aswell. which is weird cause i barely trust anyone. and that scares me more than anything else. maybe i'm just deluded...most probably
p.s. thank you for last night, it made everything suck less.
we dont talk anymore because you cry easy. What i would say if we started to talk would make a grown man cry, it would be like sandblasting a soupcracker telling you how i feel. i know i wouldn't be able to be civil, and that i would lose control. you bring out the worst in me and whether you realize it or not you were my ultimate betrayal, you made me feel safe and then you hurt me more than anyone has before, and because of that i can't trust myself to talk to you right now, maybe someday, but it will not be soon. we can't talk like we did at that picnic because so much has changed since then, and i'm glad that you at least realize the reason and take the blame. i don't know if you'll read this, you probably will, if i don't delete it tomorrow. but here it is, cuz you seem to like to talk through hidden topsecret letters layed out in plain view. this is why i avoid eyecontact with you - because it's nicer than giving you the icy glare i would if i didn't. why i'm cool and short when you try to talk to me - because i know i have to hold back. so there you have it, if you read this, feel free to comment if you have something to say, if you still want to talk there ya go, i've told you my reasons for not talking which is out of politeness and such, but if you think you're up for it by all means go ahead, just know what the reason for my silence has been before you start. you hurt me deeper than i knew i could be and i don't know why i let it get to me still, but i do, so there that is...
ps ~ nothing you say would have made a difference with or without her - i feel the way that i do towards you independent of the effect she's had on me - i lost any trust i put in you. she does give me everything you couldnt' give me, but you still couldn't give that to me. she's the only one that can because she loves me without inhibitions and i her. it never could have worked between you and i, but with her it could never not work. she makes any and everything before her look dim in comparison, even you, but that's not why you can't make a difference with your words - you can't do that because i've experienced that your words aren't worth shit to me, maybe that's changed like you say you have, but i'd have to see it to believe it, and i'm not trusting (foolish?) enough to try to see it.
i'm sorry if this letter hurt you, that wasn't my intent, i only want to show you how i feel and why we haven't spoken and why it could never work, regardless of her
why did you let me become so attached to you?
you broke up with me(six months ago yesterday)
because of what i thought about maybe getting married or being together for a long while at least
YOU WERE THE ONE WHO STARTED ALL THAT
it wasnt me!!!!!!
i am so fucking pissed off and angry and not angry and god dammit.
and to think
i was just starting to REALLY get into someone else
this amazing sweet funny boy
i had to go and dig up all this dirty laundry that i cant seem to let go of.
I thought this might be a very healing experience, so I thought "Why not?"
You know, for the time being I'm very content with never speaking to you again.
But do you remember all that time we spent together? I basically spilled my heart and soul to you, outside of my house. We use to sit in your car, our seats pushed back looking up through the windshield at the stars. It broke my heart that you spent our whole friendship lying to me about how you felt, that instead of being comfortable with who I am, you hated me. You should have told me from the start, then it wouldn't have hurt so bad in the end. My best, my best friend whom you cheated on your girlfriend and her boyfriend with had to tell me you didn't want to hang out anymore. You couldn't even be man enough to say it to my face. I cried a very long time over that, I don't think I actually finally got over it for about a year afterwords. I couldn't figure out exactly what I did wrong, what I said. I think it was nothing I did, was more one-sided. I hate those relationships.
So I've gone through all the conclusions, and this one remains.
What was it that you wanted out of me?
I wish I could hear you answer that, and then your memories much like the letters I wrote to you would be burned.
So now the only guts I can muster up to talk to you seriously are in a journal community.
I want things to go on for a long time exactly how they are now, I want this to last forever. Whatever happens tonight, you still won't know how attached to you I feel I am. And if I tell you I love you , don't run away. That's the least thing I need right now.
Dear Army man..
i hope you don't make me regret even giving you that letter...i hope you call me soon to talk about it...
It's been over a year && a month since I last saw you.
It's funny; I still feel like I just saw you yesterday. Although, it wasn't really in the flesh.
Like a movie I watched.
Like someone I saw for a moment in a busy city-street.
Your picture means close to nothing to me anymore because I know it isn't you.
Remember that night when it rained so hard? The street outside my window looked like a river. Echo playing on the radio, it's playing now, that song is. It's almost funny. Even the radio station the song played on is gone now. I guess those college students just ran out of money.
My brain's jumping from one thing to the next- I don't really know what to say. (Even if I did, I don't have the vaguest idea of how to put it down into words.) What I mean is; how do you tell someone you haven't seen them in one year, one month, 5 days 5 hours, and 52 minuets? How do you tell them you knew the very last word they said, how do you tell someone who never gave you just the occasional second glance, that you still love them?
How do you tell them you love them in the first place?