May 17th, 2005

hurts to breathe

maybe the last entry I post in here...?

Dear Self,

You know how when you lose a book, you hate hate hate it because you don't know how the story would have ended? Well, what you're thinking about doing is similar to that...if you do it, how will you know for sure that everything wouldn't have turned out okay in the end? Maybe not this year, or the next, but eventually?

Conversely, know how when a book really sucks, you just give up on it...lose all hope that it will ever become good, and quit reading? could think of this like that. If you want. Which I know you do...but how selfish would that be?

...if he's hurt, he still loves you...would you want to hurt him more by doing this? And what about Al? Don't you care enough about her to stop yourself from doing it? And your family?

What happened to the new and improved, unselfish Monique this break up made out of you? Was she just there while things looked as if they might clear themselves up? I say keep going...and as you've said before...this moment will pass...and better ones are destined to come along. Right? There have to be better times...


Dear Future,

Stop looking so damned dark.


Dear God,

I'm not exactly on speaking terms with you right now. Please don't try to speak to me until I'm not quite so angry.

Thank you,
You know who.

Dear Life,

You fucking suck. Definitely.


Dear Razor,

If I come and get you, you better be nice and sharp. And you better make all of this go away. Because if you don't, I'll find something else that will.


Dear Justin,

I'm sorry. A million times I'm sorry. And although you might not like me very much right now...or even love me...I love you. And I'll love you for the rest of my life, however long or short that may be.

Always and Forever,

(no subject)

Dear God,

If you really exist, do something about what's happening. I don't expect you to try and fix anything, since you've let me down in the past when I would ask that of you. I just want you to keep her from doing anything extreme. Don't let me down this time, dammit.


(no subject)

Dear Derrick,

Are you okay?  I want that dream to be real.  I want you to be in Heaven, but Satan is good at tempting me to think that he has your soul.  Derrick.  Was it WORTH IT????  Are you happy now!!???  Would you have been happy if I wouldn't have prayed for your soul?????

I don't think so.  Derrick, I love you.  I barely even know you, but I love you.















I love you Derrick.  You could have LIVED!!!  YOU COULD HAVE FUCKING LIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were only 19!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



you bastard

I love you Derrick, I love you. 


with all my heart, Alida

  • Current Music
    "What it is to Burn" by Finch

a letter to him...

i don't want to love you anymore because you don't want to love me. but i do love you...i can't help but love you. i can't help but love everything about you.
i just want to know why it could'nt be me...why was it her? is it because she is prettier? smarter? because she can call you night and day?
or perhaps because she never "disappeared" on you? is tha it j? is it because i decided if i stuck around i'd lose you? is it because i was trying to find the best thing for us?
WHY????!!?!?!?!!? all i ever did was love you! that's all i ever wanted to do. "forever" you said. "i'll never forget you" you said. "i need you" you said. but she's the one you have oyur arms draped around. she's the one who kisses your lips and she's the one you love. never me.
  • Current Music
    Boulavard of Broken Dreams---Greenday
Grrr...argh... by sensibility_

I can't keep my eyes off of you

Dear You,
I like you, I know you like me, it's quite possible that you know I like you....why don't you just ask me out already? Gwen told me to ask you out, but I'm too old fashioned. Last Wednesday she told me not to ask you out and she said I'd understand...but not necessarily soon.
I'm so very aware of every single move you make, every word you say; is it the same for you? I watch you with such rapt attention during rehearsal, even when you aren't on you feel my eyes searching you out?
Gwen told me to ask you out because you're shy, but I'm shy too, when it comes to asking guys out, and I'm old fashioned...If you know I like you what are you waiting for?...for that matter, what am I waiting for? Well, here's to us...I hope there can be an us....sometime soon.
  • Current Music
    The Beatles - If I Fell
l o v e

(no subject)

Dear friends/myself/ at the moment enenmy,
somehow i find myself so stressed at times like this...
so much drama going on at school,
ususally i try not to get involved,
but this time, i was involved
i hate confronations
i wish *she knew what i meant
but it seems she got things all twisted
and is now playing the blame game
why me though, i did not have much to do with the fight
so why did you drag me into it?!
im glad to know my friends were on my side though
i love them for caring that much for me*
maybe you'll realize that im not a mean person
because i did not say the things you think i have said
so just talk to me, so we can get past this crazy ride-
<3, Stressed Girl

Dear New Boyfriend,
the night you asked me out, it was perfect
dont change
your such a great boyfriend
your like my bestfriend
sometimes just talking to you, makes my day
thanks babe- i hope things will stay perfect*
<3, Monique

Dear School,
WHOO! only 2 more weeks left till summer<33
<3, Very excited student whose sick of school and exams
  • Current Music
    Fall Out Boy

(no subject)

Dear Joe,
Hey. im really glad we are talking more again. and i dont want to lose touch again. ever. it still feels so weird when we talk and the awkward silence. but that will be gone when we talk more. i enjoyed seeing you on saturday. i think thats what made us start talking more.
Love Me

Dear Ben,
we hardly ever talk anymore like we used to. mostly because you are hardly ever online anymore. and you have a girlfriend that takes up all your me and you time. but whatever im not writing because im mad at you im just telling you that im finally over you and it feels sooo good. to stop loving someone who lives so far away from me and doesnt feel the same way as i do. lets just not ruin our friendship okay? good luck in life.
Love Me

Dear Kyle,
Ur awesome. and so easy to talk with. u've become my new boy best friend. i think its funny because im writing letters to all of you and you will never see these. and you guys are all from camp and sophmores. i never want to not be friends with you again. u are just too good to lose. and even tho we have only talked for a short time i can tell you are always going to be there when i need you. if i run away you'll be the one of the first people i call!
Love Me


dear daron.
stop being stupid.
thats as simple as i can put it.
stop asking my if i hate you.
and stop telling me im too good for you.
stop trying to convince your self that there is no way i would ever like you.
stop saying you're stupid.
stop saying you're a fuck up.
stop saying you're a loser.
and stop saying you're ugly.
stop speeding.
we got in a wreck saturday, and almost died.
stop not wearing your seat belt.
stop getting drunk and calling me at three in the morning.
just to tell me how you're not good enough for me.
stop doing drugs.
because its "your only way out"
suck it up like the rest of us.
we deal with our problems.
not hide them temporarily.
stop telling me im the only reason you would quit.
because if that were true, then you would have done it already.
im obviously not even a reason enough to try.
stop hanging out with AC.
he's the reason you're fucking up your life.
stop doing cocain.
stop giving me a reason to not like you.
seeing you do cocain on my kitchen table made me want to hate you.
stop that.
stop liking me.
  • Current Music
    death cab