April 22nd, 2005

dying

(no subject)

Dear Xxxxxx,
I visited you the other day. I was so incredibly nervous, and I don't often get nervous. I have been waititng to see you again for so long. I don't know exactly what it was we had. Maybe we had nothing. Maybe you were just leading me on. Maybe you didn't even know it. Maybe I was the only one who felt so undeniably attracted to you. I guess it would only make sense. Anyways, I saw you, and you seemed so happy to see me, but then you just blew me off. Why? Do you just not care for me? Were you really just leading me on? Was there really nothing between us and such a reuinion simply meant just as much? Were you ashamed, maybe? I was at first too, but I realized it doesn't matter. I was looking forward to so much after seeing you again...

I had a dream about you last night. We were playing together again. It was just like senior year, and I remember looking at you standing there at first and thinking how proud I was of you, and that it was such a wonderful feeling to look at you and call your name and know that you'd just jump right on me when we got in. My arm wasn't broken this time, so we could wrestle around like we used to. I can't even tell you how happy I felt just them. Damn I miss you.

It's not even worth playing this year.

If you read this, you would be disgusted. You never were one for the emotional side of a relationship.

I hope you are doing well. I saw you in the Buffalo News the other day. Front page. I guess you were right. Someday you will be able to afford all the things you promised me.

Love,
Your Knicki.
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic nostalgic
madeby: appeasing

(no subject)

David,

One day, you're going to see me and we're going to meet eyes. And it'll be deep, and spiritual. You'll never be able to break the eye contact. You'll love me and you'll remember the times I loved you. You'll feel all the things you never did before. And you're going to remember my hazel eyes and the times they cried for you. You'll finally feel my pain. That day will soon come. You'll feel how you made me felt.

As for me?

I won't feel a damn thing.

(no subject)

dear death and people

i just wanted to let you know i fucking hate you with a pasion
i hate you so much i cant even think about you without wanting to cry or wanting to scream
and as much as i want to talk to people i cant i cant
i hate knowing what happens before it happens i hate it
i know that when death happens your ganna rip my sister and brother apart
and how am i suposed to deal with them when i have no one there for me
i feel so alone right now
and i know death is alone to
know one likes it no one wants to think about it
know one will say they love it and mean it
so i guess im not that alone
i have death
and i hate you
and i dont want to see myt sister cry cuz how can i keep myself together
i feel like i have no one like no one talks to me like no one cares
i havent been told i love you in like 3 days
havent talked to friends in liek 4
and i just wanna see if they make the effort
but no
its kinda like
im here sitting here thinking of what im missing knowing i wanna be with them
but im not so i have to hang out with other people and not think about it
but what ever its okay if you hang out with him and not me
i dont care right?
im not suposed to care?
cuz you dont care
so yeah i dont care

ok well yeah im not sure how i can explain n e thing
but if i do i hate it when ppl are like w.e you making it into a big deal dont worry
well its not my fault i worry about losing friends
cuz when i dont worry i do lose them
right now i feel so alone and not wanted i dont even think its worth it n e more
i wish i could just be my fucking self and i hate him so much for knowing im not myself in front of them i hate him so much for becomming my friend again but not
becuase i was almost over him and then he comes back and i fall again
but you know what i think i did get my wish but it wasnet my choice and you told me you hated it and this time i didnt do it
so i get him back and feel like i lose my other friends
i guess its worth it
and i guess if you convince yourself about something it has to come true
right?
cuz you get your mind to believe it
just like i made myself believe i was being me
but yeah he ruined it
he fucked it up
he told me i wasent me well how the fuck would he know that
i hate him so much right now
but then again im doing the convinceing stuff
and i guess you all dont need me anymore
you all dont need to talk
so i guess i wont talk
i wont do anything
ill just sit here like always
wondering what you all are doing
knowing that you guys are having fun
well that wont be that bad cuz i know im here
and that i will be okay
and i think i could get some poems outa that or some shit right?
yeah i'll think that
then i cant miss anything
and i know i wont get hurt by people
and i dont see why i opened up to you all

i dont even know anymore


-ashley