We were close a couple months ago i've known you for three yearsi fell in love with you but then you hurt me but somehow i cant get over youi see you everyday at school and my heart melts and breaks at the same time!! I see you walking with that girl and i want to die inside i love you so much but you are afraid i will hurt you like brittany did but i wont i could never hurt you!! I just want to be with you you made me feel so good that day when i was at your house i was in love agian which i thought would never happen agian but it did!! Im sorry i said those things to you that day i didnt mean to say i hate you you made me so mad when you ignored me in class acting like nothing happened between us i felt like you were ashamed of me it hurt i told you i would take care of you but now i cant get close to you please forgive me love!!
[16 Apr 2005|03:40pm]
You make me sad, and I think you know it. Ive been wanting to get to know you better since the day I met you, about 6 months ago. When I finally did... I was pursuing someone else. But the night at Jo's party... I fell head over heels. You seduced me. I completly ditched Kristen for you. I know I am crazy for wanting you... youre already taken. Josh is so very awesome. But I cant help it... I want you for myself. You flirt with me. You know that biting me, scratching me, and touching my ears turns me on... and yet you do it willingly. You told Amanda that you like me. Do you really? Or do you just want my body? Because, although I am a guy, Im not the typical guy. I dont just want sex. I was so depressed last night that I was actully thinking about cutting... but I didnt. Because when I went outside you called, and you cheered me up. Thank you for that. We only got to talk for about 10 minutes, because you had more important things to do. Whenever we are together you are all over me, and you say you like me. If so, then why are you still with him? I was a fool to think I could take you away from him... I mean, who would? Im the epitomy of failure for fucks sake. Oh well, thanks anyways for calling me to say goodnight yesterday...
Even if you did ask for Josh whenever I picked up the phone. Oops?
I know that you're busy. But I fucking miss you. That's why it always puts me in an amazing mood when I finally do get to talk to you, because i know you work hard. Just me, reminding you that I love you. I'm sorry I told you, I know it was selfish and I don't want you to worry about me or anything. Jackie's still at the top of my hitlist, so you know. Take care of yourself, because I can't very well go there and make you- even if I'd like to.
Lizzy/Devi/...(as always, insert your favorite nickname for me here.)
its my birthday in less then a month
and i think you know it
i really dont want anything at all
cuz if i have a party and friends its just going to make me sad
its hard to explain and put it into words
and when i come close to telling you all why i can't
as much as i want to i cant
i always tell people things and nikki i tell you the most stuff
i kinda have to stop that
cuz i know in the end i will get fucked
but you don't think about it
you don't think about when your ganna lose someone
or whats ganan happen cuz it just makes you grow distant and its justy bad
but when it happens you wish you could have been able to think about it
i don't know if any of you know what i mean
but i know you will say you do even tho chances are your just agreeing
and not caring
and thats ok
its just i wish i had someone that would listen to me and understnad
but understand in a way thats just not talking
just kinda like if someones crying you just hold them and don't say a word but you know they understand it all
or when you just dont talk and you just get this relaxing feeling
honestly you guys i don't feel that feeling as much as i used to
i mean i have nikki who knows a lot
but thats it
and i mean yeah
like i dunno
im just really confused right now
i feel kinda like i dunno left out?
but i think its just that i dunno
i can't have fun anymore?
maybe i need meds or some shit like that
i don't understand why i can talk about anything and everything almost with people
but some stuff that i told james i cant even bring myself to say
and i just want to tell you all
i just want someone like james but not
i dont want someone to be a replacement at all
thats just wrong
and i dont know
its just birthdays really really really suck
cept for last year
and i don't want to think about the past anymore and as much as i say im ganna i cant stop thinking about it
i HATE that so much about me that i can't just get over things
and things just get to me
and i know that on my birthday im ganna be wishing for him
as much as im ganan try not to
i know at night im ganna wish that he came and im ganna get upset and cry
cuz thats all im good at
crying and bitching an listening
i wish i could change it back to when it was smileing laughing and listening and helping
i really do cuz i was fun
but only on certain days i am
im a fucked up person
and as much as i want to be happy
i feel as tho i just don't fit in
and i feel like i have to watch my back to make sure i don't fuck up
cuz if i do
i don't have anyone to be there to catch me right before i hit the ground
sometimes i feel as though someo of you just don't want me there
but thats ok
people need space
i don't see why i try so hard
i was never like this before
nothing makes me happy
maybe it will get better in the summer
i really hope it does
but i have a feeling that something bigs going to happen and its not going to be good
but then i get the same feeling something goods going to happen
i hope that nothing bad happens
but i know that it will
remember that time we were at a meeting, and you pulled the chair away and i tried to sit in it? god that hurt. alot. but totally funny after the fact. im sorry your mom died. i always have been. and ive been thinking about that alot lately. i wonder what my life would be like with out my mom. or vice versa. thier on a plane right now you know? im nervous about this whole trip bussiness. four plane rides and a ship? im very nervous. sigh. i miss you. but now youve got your license so you should come drive up this weekend. you really should.
lol i remember when you were obbsessed with marykate and ashly, and those silly salor moon shows. lol ad the time we were on the phone together and you put me dowm to tie your shoe and then just started watching tv. and completly forgot we were on the phone. sigh.
hope to see you soon
I hate you. You be-friended me, then you used me. You spoiled my purity and threw me back into the downward spiral I would have tore myself out of had it not been for you watching me spit you out on the ground and thanking me while I screamed inside. I hope someone has the courage that I don't to tell someone about you and how you prey on innocence. I hope you suffer. I hope that pretty facade of yours is exposed to show to the world the rotteness that is you.
dear future boyfriend,
I want someone who is tall enough to kiss the top of my head when we go to hug.
I want someone who knows that I need them to make the first move
I need someone who understands that sometimes I just wan tto hold hands.
I need someone who will allow me to have my insecurities
I want someone who will start conversations for me instead of it
I want someone who I can flirt with easily and naturaly
I would like someone who gets me and my style
I want someone who knows that I have secrets and who knows my family isn't perfect.
I want someone who will IM me because they know I hate talking on the phone,
I want someone who understands my sarcastic nature comes when I am nervous
someone who knows that I yawn when I am nervous or I change what i believe depending on who I am with
I want someone who believes in me and won't judge me.
I want someone who understands my dislikes and will make easy decisions.
dear whomever i shall find I hope you make me happy because right now I'm just wishing for some of these things not all but some.