April 14th, 2005

by me

(no subject)

Dear ______,

If you hang around me all the time then why do you treat me like crap and then tell me that you don't care about me?
I bet that if I decided to take my own life right now or that if someone were to kill me, you wouldn't care. I gave you my friendship...EVERYTHING I FUCKING HAD... I would've listened to you. But no, you chose not to trust me and that hurts. Then when I thought I could confide in you all you did was put me down and make me cry. I've built up these walls now and I'm not letting you in. I've let you in before and all you did was hurt me. You tell other people you care about me but saying you care and acually caring are two totally different things.

I wish I could go back to when we were little. I didn't have to deal with all of this. Sometimes, I wish I could stop myself from ever meeting you. We had some good times when we were little. How different we are didn't matter then. You accually treated me like I was your friend. Now it's like I'm just someone you hang out with because you feel like you have to. Now I'm different. Now I won't let you push me around because back then I didn't recognize the way you push people around. Now I'm stronger. Now I have new friends and I will leave you behind in the dirt if you don't start treating me better. I know your jellous of Kaysie. My mom even thinks so because of the way you say you think she's on crack and say that she's a bitch. Go ahead and be jellous of Kaysie because she is much better of a friend than you will EVER BE. I mean it when I say that too.


(no subject)

Dear Nick,

It's wierd to write this to you, but after these few months of getting to be much closer friends i think i'm starting to like you. I've known you since like what? your freshman year my sophomore year? And now with all the drama that's hit me in the past few months you've been the only person i can talk to. And even thought you and i joke around abtou "hooking up" after prom and so on i'm wondering what if something could happen? Would it ruin such a great friendship that we already have or would it freak people out. I don't know, i know you've had bad times with girls and of course you know about the guy issues i've had. So what if something could happen between us?
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(no subject)

dear you

i really hope you and all of your friends die
maybe hit by a train
cuz then i wouldn be left here thinking that one day i could get you back
and then i would realize that its pointless to try and try so hard that you feel like you have to say sorry
or feel like you have to ask if im bugging you all
then i could realize your gone and theres no way i could get you back
even tho i know that if you were day i would still try
and honestly i dont know why i would
and to tell you the trueh i dont know if i want to give up
and i really want you and me to be friends

(no subject)

dear best friend

i really need you right about now
but thats just selfish
cuz right now your happy with everything and
all i would do is spill my problems and tell you things for hours
and i mean you would just listen and i mean what good is that
ok thats a lie cuz its the best thing i have ever come across
i don't see whats so amazing about you
all you are is a boy
and i want to get over you
the one thing holding me back
is that i love you and i dont want to let it go
then have to love you all over again or let go of the memories and forget the times when i was happy
cuz remebering when i was really happy kinda makes me happy
i really cant stop thinking about anything
as much as i want to
and i dunno
i dont think im that obessed
but i am i dunno
its just that i really miss my best friend
and all those times you made me laugh and all those times that you had fun with me
and fell for me
and i said sorry a millions times
but i don't really remember a lot
i know when i said them i ment it
cuz when i say sorry i always try and mean it
today i was ganna write you a note or talk to you
but i had a feeling that something wasnet right
or that something was ganna happen tonight with you so it wouldnt be good
so today
i talked to you kinda normaly
and then you told me and it was slight happness
but then i realized that i would be a bitch if i was happy
so i left and went home
then i thought about it
and it made me really really sad/pissed
she made/makes you so happy
i don't want to see you sad
knowing i cant go up to you and have you tell me whats wrong
i think i wanna know everything about you and her is becuase
i know im not in your life and you dont think about me
but you guys were my comfort
and when i was with you i never thought about how i looked or anything
i was just me
and now thats gone
and i mean im happy
buts its a diffrent happy that i feel
like being with my friends makes me happy and makes me forget
but its like always there
and im trying to bulid up a friendship with ppl and tell them things instead of just one person
but thats not working and honestly i cant spill things
as much as i want to spill my past to her i cant
i have tried and tried but i know if i do it wont feel the same
and i know it just wont work
i mean i have spilled somethngs i thought i told them but then i didnt so its just werid
well this letter was suposed to be about how i feel sad for you cuz you and her arent doing to well
but it turned out to be this
and it always does
you always bring me to the past and thats why i hold on
i love the past when things werent too fucked up as they are now
but oo well
see that when the letter was suposed to end but somehow i wrote more
so im ending this so you dont have to think about how i feel
cuz if i do i know you will feel like an asshole
cuz you dont think of yourself and you like other peoples problems before yours
ok im stopping this letter here

<3333 X23786475289248742427


i'll ask you tomorrow what happened and ill bring you something i don't know what but i will i promise and it will make everything melt away and not hurt as much
i promise i'll try and make you smile.. maybe i'll sing you the glow worm song cuz you know how happy it makes me but i dunno im just a stupid girl who wants her best friend back
but thats selfish
and i dont need you
cuz i will get over you
so for mysake dont write back to this letter
and as much as i need you dont let me have you
cuz one day i will realize that im over you
but for now im just ganna say that
cuz its easier to say im over you
then to talk and spill how i really feel
and then realize that im repeating myself
or spilling things i shouldnt
or saying things to ppl that make then feel like i dont like them

so bye for now

(no subject)

dear you

i want you to know that i dont hate you
but im jealous of you in so many ways
when im in school talking to her about you
i don't care i really honestly dont
and i mean like when i hear things that happened or didnt happen
i dont care i really dont
but when i see pictures of you and her
it makes me want to cry
or be in the pictures to
or have someone look at them and feel the same way
or get jealous
everyone loves you they do
i know cuz everyone we hung out with loved you the most
and you have gone to school and have already had 2 boyfriends and you loved them
and they loved you
and im sorry that i fucked up
and im sorry that you dont really like me too much for the same reasons he dosent
and im sorry i did that to rich
and you told me you didnt care
but i mean i dunno like what you said to me hurt
so bad
and i cant talk to anyone about it cept him
but that wouldnt be good
so maybe its best that i keep it all in my head
cuz ppl dont know you
so they wont truly listen
and thats what i loved about you all
was you listened
and now i just cant stand you
i dunno i just wish i were in the pictures
and i wish i looked like you

perfect teeth
happy all the fucking time
you have nothing wrong with you at all
and i hate it cuz you fit right in with her and her new friends
and your so happy
so it was really me
all of it was cuz of me
cuz i was sad and i dunno
whatever i honestly dont care
and how would you know im lieing
you know i am a pretty good liar according to you

i hate you

(no subject)

dear you again

ok so heres the thing
i dont want you to come back to me
but i do
and i know i have said that to so many ppl so after this letter i dont think im ganna metion you again
or well try
i think im ganna try and live my life without you in it
and without thinking about you
but thats ganna be so hard so i will just think of you and live without you
and not metion you to people
or explain to them why im so upset and sad cuz i know they are sick of me
or talking to someone and noticeing things you had in them
i know i have been trying to get you back
but its not working
and how can you get someone back when they dont love you and want you back
and i need to realize that but i know i wont cuz im fucked up me
so im ganna sit here and be stupid me and fuck more shit up cuz thats what im good at
and im gnana try and tell myself that all i need to do is forget it all
cuz i dont think that i will ever get really over you
but it wont hurt to try

your last letter for now

love, me

Dear Kim,

 I have to admit that the letter you received from Matt today was extremely sweet.  I would like to apologize for making him feel nervous.  My intentions were to just joke around with him like I always joke with your friends.  But today when I spoke to him, he really didnt seem very comfortable.  And when Jim yelled at me for being so mean to the boy, I realized that maybe I picked the wrong time to joke.  I am sorry and I hope you will let him know that I didnt mean any harm.

I am proud of you for the way you have handled the situation, but you do need to stop talking about a certain someone (carrot boy) and not constantly look a other guys like if they asked you out you would drop Matt and go with them.  It shows in your eyes.

If you are going to give Matt a chance than let him have that chance.

Maybe I need to anoint you again with my dragons blood.  HEHE

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speechless because you left me here

dear brother
i dont know what to think, i dont know what to feel.. i know how you feel, and i know how you think.. but i dont know why you feel how you feel or why i do feel the way i do. sometimes i sit at my desk at work and just stare off to space and wonder when are we going to like ourselves again. when are u going to learn to love ourself. i cant promise i ever will be happy with myself, but youre young and beautiful and you deserve to have a bunch of happiness. how did we get so numb? how did you end up just like me? why do i feel like this is one of those nights where ill be crying myself to sleep? i hope you are not crying yourself to sleep. i hope you are not sitting in your room feeling guilty for things that are not your fault and you can't change. why do you have to be like me? why do i break my own heart? why do we think we are ugly. because we wear depression? depression is so ugly. the real you is not ugly. the real me is not ugly. but ill never find me, but brother, pls find you. love you even if you dont believe that i do and even if i dont believe that you do love me too,
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