April 10th, 2005

(no subject)

Dear Joe,
Dont u ever wish things would be back the way they used to be? i mean i do it all the time so im sure you do too. we used to talk all the time. even late at night until i got in trouble. but we still talked online a whole lot. we said i love you to each other frequently. then somehow we lost touch. it was almost 5 months until we talked again. and in between that time i always questioned if i would IM to say hey whats up. until finally you did and said we should talk more. now we are talking again but it doesnt feel the same. There are all these long pauses and awkward silences, we never talk about nething exciting anymore. everything is boring when we talk. it used to be so exciting, random, and fun. there were never long pauses or awkward silences. i just want things to be back the way they used to be. but im afraid that may never happen. because you will never know. i wish u felt the same way and if u do i wish you would tell me. but sadly we arent that close nemore and it breaks my heart. ill always be here for you. whenever you feel like u want things to be back they way they used to be. ill be here for you.
Love Always,

Dear Ben,
Hi, its kind of unusal for me to write a letter to you. but ur not going to see this neways so who cares. i love you. and i told u this many a times b4, you even said it back. i told u i liked u and u said u liked me too. but we lived so far away and both agreed that long distance sucked ass. and even if we went out we couldnt see each other as much as we wanted. even if u visted every weekend i wouldnt want you to because gas prices are so high. but now you talk about your girlfriend. and it makes me sad. because i still have feelings for you. i understand u will like other girls and cant like me just because i told u i liked and i have liked other guys but i have always loved you. i dont know what i want you to do. if i cant have you nobody can. i dont want that girl with you. i may seem unfair and unreasonable but this is how i feel. i need to find someone else to love. and get my mind off you. i wish you never even brought her up but its my fault for asking what u did that day. and of course it was hang out with your girlfriend. love is between two people. and you have gone away. i think its me who as gone postal. im sorry for bothering you. what could you do to make me feel better about this. nothing. except say ur running away moving here and hanging out with me everyday. thats the only thing that would make me feel better. but you cant. you cant do nething i want now. i will always love you, and am waiting for the day you hold me and look me in the eyes and say im the only one for you. but im too much of a dreamer for that to happen. it was nice knowing you...
ta ta,

(no subject)

Dear Scott,
Im so dissapointed with you, you broke my heart and thats going to take a long time to heal. I wish i could tell you how broken i really am when i talk to you or smile at you pretending like were just mates again. But you have to remeber even when we were just "mates" you were cheating on your wife with me. I guess the fantasty came true when you left her for me and i thought everything would be perfect. I was wrong and i cant belive how stupid i was to fall for all your lies.

As much as i want to hate you I still love you, but not enough ever to get close to you again. You were the one and you shattered it. I wish it could go back to stolen kisses and excitment. But obviously the butterflies in my stomach were me bing a little girl head over heels in love with a man. It was just a pity that man turned out to be just like everyone else...

I am not a doormat, and i am not a bootie call.
Please give me whats mine and go away for ever, i will forget the bad things and one day you'll be a fond memory but never again a friend. I cant be friends with you when 3 weeks ago we were talking about starting a family and then you leave me with a note.

I love you, I hate you,
you adulerus bastard
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

(no subject)

Dear Kevin,

I promised myself something today.. If you call me today, I'm going to tell you how I feel. If you don't call me, then I won't.

Waiting for your call,
  • Current Music
    Mars Volta


Dearest Two Best Friends,

I would like to think of myself as a girl that doesn't let most things get to her. A lot of things that bother people just aren't big deals to me. I don't get angry. I don't throw fits. I don't have falling outs with people. I don't slam doors and punch walls. I don't get into fights. So, why is this happening?

Is it because I've finally gotten angry? Because I'm actually letting this get to me? Because it does bother me and really is a big deal to me?

I'd like to understand. Truly.

I know you don't like him. I've already accepted it. God, I'll say I even respect it. But why can't you respect my choice? He means a lot to me. A lot. Did you know that? And it's more than just what you see or what you hear about us.

And the whole friday night plans aren't what bother me. Honestly, I wouldn't have cared. Go ahead. Have a movie night in with your boyfriends. It doesn't bug me that I'm not there. But when you try to keep it from me. Cover it up. Go to the lengths to even pretend like nothing is going on that night. That's what gets me angry. Did you really think that I would've cared that much that you had to keep it a secret from me?

And please. PLEASE. Don't even act like you don't know why I didn't want to talk to you this whole weekend. Don't come up to me at in the morning and give me a hug, pretending like you don't see this cold shoulder. Don't come up to me saying, "What's wrong, hunny?" Don't try to make other people feel bad for you because I'm such a horrible friend that won't even talk to you. Don't send me text messages that seemingly plead for me to just tell you what going on. Don't even start.

What? Am I supposed to apoligize? Because you're mad that I'm upset at you? Um, okay. Right.


PS- Thanks for pretty much making Adam feel like shit.


  • Current Music
    Jack Johnson- Breakdown

(no subject)


Why do you love to make me mad? You say I look so cute when I'm mad but it really gets to me. It's so fucking annoying! you used to be normal. You used to act so loving to me but now you act like a fucking kid. Just making jokes all the time and making fun of me. But then when I really do get angry, you freak out and stop calling me. WTF? It doesn't make sense. This is so complicated. I wish I could just move on because I know you don't deserve me. I do everything for you and you don't do shit for me! Why do you always make me feel like shit.

i hate how i love you so much,

  • Current Music
    sigur ros
FOTC - Shakers!

Letter To You.

Dear anyone and no one in particular,

Have you ever felt empty when you haven't seen or talked to the boy/girl you thought you loved for more than a week? And lonely?

Even though he/she can be close by. But you make no effort into seeing him/her. Why? Why is that? You used to feel that you loved him/her. And got excited when you knew you were moments from seeing him/her at school.

Why is that excitement suddenly gone? Do you not love him/her anymore?
You still want to love him/her. But he/she broke your heart.
And he/she didn't even know it. Which hurts you even more.

You played scenes in your head of what he/she might say to you. But you forget to ask the questions, or bring up the subject.
Why? Why?
When you feel so stupid about it. About not asking.
About not talking to him/her. For whatever reason you have for me, it's probably not as good enough as the truth.

The truth is, is that you're scared. You have no reason to be. Just go out there, and say the things you want to say. Psyche yourself up! Whatever outcome happens; whatever result, you can deal with it. Because it's you. And you'll learn how to recover. You know yourself enough to try it. Right?
Just.. trust me.

At first it'll be just a bad dream.
But you're going to wake up.
Trust me.

Yours Truly,
  • Current Music
    Bayside - Masterpiece

(no subject)

dear kellie<3

im sorry i told
i really am i didnt want to break your trust
i talked to nikki about it and we decided it would be a good idea for her to know
i didn't want you to cry or blame yourself cuz its not your fault
i fucked it all up by telling someone
i just didnt think she should have had that done to her
and i know he means alot and i know dexter does to
im really sorry and i wanted to tell you all of this
i dont know what to do
i know it was wrong to ever tell
and i know i shouldnt have promised on my life
i know that no matter what i say you can never trust me agai
but you don't know i told
i want you to know i told
but i don't
i know you will talk to ppl about how much i hurt u
and i know one of them would be james or nora
and honestly i dont think i could handle the feeling of that
it will give them more reason to hate me
i need to keep my mouth shut i know
and im so sorry i promise you i am
if i could take back anyone knowing i would
i fucked up so bad this time
i wish you didn't tell me

love<33 you still ash*

dear collen,

i don't know you at all not even one little bit
i just wanted to say that im sorry you found out
and i know that you love him a lot
i feel like an asshole cuz you dont even know me
and you don't trust me so how would you know im telling the truth
its between a stanger and your ex boyfriend i wouldnt know who to believe
i kinda wish you thought that i was lieing so then things could go back to normal with you guys and kellie wouldnt blame it on herself
and things could just be fine
cuz right now i know your hurt
and no one should be hurt
and i know on monday people are ganna ask me things or give me looks
but i don't know what to say i really don't
i don't know if he knows im the one who found out
i don't want people mad at me more then they are
im so sorry
i wish you didn't find out


(no subject)

dear pia,

i really love you
your like a sister to me in so many ways
but now that we have come to high school we never talk or hang out
it kills me so much to see you with jenn walking like we used to
this is another letter that you wont see ever
and i have talked to you
but you just dont understand
i have known you so long
its kinda lik you have kept me from being fake and just i dunno
when im with you im happy in that moment you remind me of my childhood
and so many good memorys
i cant help but think of what you are doing with james and nat and all my old friends
im so jealous
and part of me wants to hate you
cuz you know me and you know when im just being me
i dont know
right now your telling me about your weekend
and i dont even want to hear it
i have been replace
do you know how much that hurts
sometiems i hate you for not understanding my music
or how i am or how i think
and i hate you for not hurting
i hate how you dont hurt
its like i want you to hurt
but you just dont understand thingsd from my point ot veiw
i lost the last person who knew the real me
and i really dont want to lose you
but if it makes you happy not dealing with me thats ok right?
i really cant explain how i feel
im never myself anymore i forget who i am
i don't know why
i just know im not myself around the people ihang out with
i mean im trying so hard to be myself
and not the loud annoying freshmen
cuz pia you know me im not like that at all
but its just so werid
i miss being happy
i miss it so much
i hate crying
i hate not talking
i hate having new friends
i hate knowing your the only one who dosent really talk shit about me
i know everyone i hang out with does
and i hate how i changed i wish i didnt i dont know how
i hate the ppl you hang out with and they hate me
i hate jenn so much
and i cant take her
and i hate her for saying the shit about me cutting
and everything you told her
when i found out that you knew something and didnt tell me
i wanted to die
i really wish i could have the guts to send this to you
but i know u would say something like we are friends
and i know we arent
but thats just you trying not to hurt me
or you feeling bad for me
and i hate that
i know that you feel bad for me cuz of dad
and i hate that
i want to be normal again
i dont want to be so fucked up
i just wanna be myself again
and you helped me find it whenever i couldnt
you made things alright even if it was only for a short amount of time
and i miss it so much that i cant even put it into words

so yeah this is my best shot at explaining it in yet another letter

i love you always and forever

your sister