April 7th, 2005

Falling apart

Dear Dad,

I have been abused by you for 17 years of my life mom windy and i have had to pay for your mistakes. We always have to wait at home scared wondering what mood you are going to be in when you get home!! I remember when you were choking me on the stairs all i could think is this is my father and he is trying to kill me why ... last week you pushed me in to the book case a bruised my back up i love you dad but you have put us through so much and we are done we have to leave you we have to!! you cost us money with your drinking and the trouble you get in to when you drink!! The abuse we have to endure all because you feel guilty for drinking but its not our fault its yours!! I wish you could change i wish you were different....
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    eminem- my fault

(no subject)

Dear Jared,

I fall in love with you more and more each day. I can't wait for us to know every single thing there is to know about each other. I can't wait for us to be together forever. I love you so much, it's so surreal. I really can't believe you're here and that we're together. The next week can't possibly go any slower. I miss you so much. But you're worth the wait. SO worth it.

- J

(no subject)

Dear Dad,

Charlie says that i need to write you a letter. Not just any letter, but a letter saying what i got from you. There are three different stages of your life apparently. and from something to 18 is figuring out what you got from your parents and stuff. like what you'll remember i guess? and the lessons you learned from them. You might be really confused right now, you see Charlie is my shrink. you know the one that i had to start seeing in January because someone from my school told a ridiculus lie about me cutting myself with a group of girls in the bathroom using the same knife. what idiots. i would never want to share a knife with anyone, and the girls that were named i'm not really even friends with. But they nailed me. i cut. big deal. it isn't that big of a one. I keep telling Charlie i'll write this letter to you, and i realized that my livejournal community would be the best place. i'm still not sure if i want to show charlie yet. He says i dont have to if i dont want. I think right now would be the best time, while my mom is working bingo for my school and i'm not talking to anyone.

I really do not know where to start. where do you start on stuff like this? i always though i'd leave it up to my mom to write the letters for birthdays and christmas and every other time. just to tell people what's up. its kind of funny that i know she wrote you a letter when she filed for divorce. i really wish you would have gone through with it. but no, i dont. because i used to always say that and i'm not sure if i meant it or not. my life would be so different and i like myself the way i am right now. okay, so what did i get from you? well for one i got your fear of people, your brown eyes, your love for reading. mom thinks i have your depression in me too i think. well she's scared that i'll have long term depression.

do people get depressed in 4th grade? because i think i might have been. that can't be normal at all. but maybe it is? or maybe i wasnt depressed. but i was last year. why do you think i started cutting? bozo.
you wouldnt know anything anyway, it's not like you've ever spoken to me. or tried carrying on a converastion. oh whoops i forgot, you did, last week on the phone.

alright, i got some memories from you, just yesterday i learned how to put air in a bike tired with an air compressor, i learned exactly what i do not want in a husband or a father. i wnat someone who is going to be there for my children and someone who i love. and i know i will support me. who i will not wnat a divorce from if i have kids.

the point is DADDY. that i dont really know who you are, and i dont know if i want to. i dont know what i got from you, other than some memories and what i dont want to marry

i just wanted to write this letter, and then i got really lazy and all emo-tioned out.

love always,
your daughter.
l o v e

(no subject)

dear *you,
im so confused with they way your acting latley
you have lied so much
i dont know what to believe
your confusing me and my friend
so just quit playing around
and tell us whats really going on
<3, me, monique

dear *friends,
im starting to get to know you guys better
but i still miss my old friends
i was just so close to them
but now im learning to open up more
and let my brick wall down
but dont make me built it up agian
because its hard for me to trust others
<3, me, monique
  • Current Music
dark fairy

this is hard for me. and painful.... so painful.......

dear the-one-whom-i-shall-never-forget,

i don't know what it is about you. there is just something that i will always remember. no, it was not a good thing. maybe it was your soft brown hair. your cold, harsh eyes. or maybe it was the feeling of your skin on mine.

i'm sure you think that was a sexual comment. no, that's not what i'm talking about. you were my first boyfriend, i trusted you... then. yet i still lied. you have no idea what you have done to my life. the fear i have within me. i hate it. as i hate you. the only person i will ever say i truly hate. i put my trust in you, all of it. i layed my life in your hands. i gave you my heart. but why? i wanted to be left alone. i wanted you to leave me for myself. you wanted me to change so much. and i learned fast that i needed to listen to whatever you said. for if i didn't, it was my own punishment that awaited. i never loved you. i love my life. and i didn't want you hurting me anymore. i have longed to let this go. i am so insignificant in this world. so unimportant. my abuse never mattered to me. until now. i know people who care. and you hate that. you still tell people to stay away from me. i don't even do that to you. i can't bare to look at you. i can't bare to be in the same room as you. i loved you hoping you would stop, not knowing that i really meant it. i forced myself to say that i loved you, and it scared me to death. you scared me to death. you still scare me.

i will never let myself say "i love you" again. do you know why i did things for you? do you know why i screwed around with you? do you know why things got as far as they did? because i feared you. i feared what you would do when we dissagreed. and i feared what would happen if i ever left you. i was scaredout of my mind to break up with you and when i did you came to my house. i cried for weeks. i didn't know that something was wrong at the time. i didn't know what i was doing and/or why. i didn't realize until later that males aren't supposed to hurt you. not like that. not physically. i am so afraid of being controlled. of being forced into things. paranoid, to put it lightly. you hated everything about me. why did you love me so much? why do you still randomly tell me that you love me? why must i be me? why can't i just be and unloving and unlovable person? i hate myself. i really do. and i blame that partially on you..

left alone. bruised and broken.
there's a first for everything.


..all broken
erase them with the razor blade
'cause you're gone...
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    *Sore Thumb* ::The Format::

a bunch of letters

Dear mrs. Davidson,
stop me from talking to him please. I know I'm bored and he IMed me first but why did I ask a follow question. Please get on and tell me that I am worth it and that I deserve to have some one who is truely okay with who I am. Please assure me that I will succeed in college english and that I am independant enough to go so far away from home for college. Please just tell me a mrs. Davidson quote that I could write down. You know I haven't written a thing in that jurnal you gave me. It never seems like a good day to start. I think I might try writing everyday after the first day at orientation but it just seems like such a girl thing to do.

love always,
a faithful student

Dear ryan,
please stop pulling me into this. stop making me miss your brown eyes. you said you had a girlfriend so talk to her. I don't want to be the other girl. That's what I always am. the other girl. with lisa with stephanie and I can't go there you should know that. I'm not saying that that is what you are thinking but we can't go the sexual conversation route. it's not normal. things we did torment me now because no one else knows about it. please for may sanity stop

signing my heart away,
the second choice girl

Dear self,
sometimes you just need to speak your mind when it matters. Not during the random conversations in english or the conversations at work but at home or out with the michelle group. Sometimes you have to stay motivated. Does it scare you that you are beginning to count how many calories you eat and then attempt to work away at least one meals worth on the bike. Does that scare you because of the number of times you have thought about another way to lose weight. I wonder why it seems so natural and no one is wondering why you only eat twice a day or have stopped drinking juice and only drinking water. Does it bother you that you set goals and never reach them because it's starting to become stupid to even set the goals. Why aren't you worried that your pinkie hasn't stopped tingling in the last four days. do you care anymore about lacrosse or about senior year. Why haven't you studied for the calculus stest. You used to always study for those test and you used to try you can't become a math major and be satisfied with a low five on the test. you just can't become that girl.

love sometimes,
that girl

dear world,
is it weird that I find the majority of your inhabitants annoying and selfish. is it weird that I don't care anymore about what I leave behind and yet I'm more aware of what others hae left behind. I'm just not sure I see the reason for all the choas and all the violent acts that are happening. SOmetimes I don't want to be part of you or what you represent if only there was another world. but there's not, at least not one that I am aware of so I must stick it out.