April 5th, 2005

dying

At least pretend you didn't wanna get caught.

Dear whoever.

These are just my thoughts.

I'm struggling to figure out what to do. I really can't see not being in love with you, but I can't stay with you.

Last night I had a dream. In it, I met this boy. They say you only dream about people you know, but I've never known this boy. I was in Buffalo, in the middle of the night, in a bad part of the city, and the day before all this I had been jumped so I was really afraid. I couldn't find you anywhere. This boy, he came out of nowhere, and tried to help me. I was afraid so I said no, and he wouldn't let me alone until I let him help me. He took me to his apartment, and then when I settled down he told me he'd take me to a movie while I was looking for you. It was amazing. We held hands, and just that was wonderful. I could have been happy like that forever. I was happy. He kept trying to kiss me, and I really, really wanted him to, and I really had to fight myself to stop him. You know how I feel about cheating.When I finally found you and it was time to go home, I was really sad. I didn't want to leave him. I had such an amazing feeling around him.

It got me thinking. If I can get that feeling around someone else, does that mean I'm not in love with you? I thought how I feel with you is being in love. We couldn't be any closer. It's been years in the making. But am I wrong? Does that sort of person or feeling really exist? It was so perfect I can't believe it does.

I want to feel how I felt in my dream, but I don't know if I ever will.
  • Current Mood
    confused confused

(no subject)

Dear Jesse,

I'm sorry for everything I said today. I was angry and upset. I still love you and it's just my luck that when I'm free of the user you've moved on. I wish I could make you see I CAN make you happy, even if you doubt that. Nothing hurts more than playing the emo kid sitting alone in my room crying along to Taking Back Sunday while you are holding her. That hickey you had felt like a bullet to my stomach. I'm so sorry for hurting you, but you're not the only one who is hurting right now. There's pain on both sides. I hope you know that if ever she'll break your heart I'll be alone in my room waiting. If you ever even forgive me.
Boys are stupid

(no subject)

Dear Jared,

I'm not thinking about you. I didn't think about you at all while I was gone. I couldn't close my eyes and remember everything about you. The way you smile. . . nope, didn't think about it at all. Then, last night, seeing you, talking to you, made it easy to get you out of my head. It didn't bother me one bit that I missed your birthday. I could not care less that you are hurt and on crutches. I hated sitting next to you, playing that game and winning, almost. Then I had to give you five and it lasted longer than it should have and turned into a handshake or . . . something. It made my skin crawl, just having to touch you. I hope we never touch again. The more I know about you, the less I want to know. I think it's stupid that you have goals and want to buy a house and all that ridiculous stuff. Oh yeah, your glasses make you look like a dork. I hate you.

~H

P.S. I'm a liar.
  • Current Music
    "Get What You Need" by Jet

(no subject)

Dearest Shawn,

 I love you, i really wish that you would understand...And walk away from her, and come back to me...Tell me everything is going to be ok...Tell me that you are here for the baby and i...i know that you have made some bad choices...and ever since you hung yourself, i cant help but think how bad you are hurting...but its hurting me that you arent telling me...Sharie shouldnt even be present in your mind...Im having your baby...And you dont care...I still loev you though, but please make all this pain stop...

Love, Me

  • Current Mood
    tired tired
understand

(no subject)

Dear Robert:

I WISH I COULD HATE YOU!!!!!!! I WISH I DIDNT CARE! I DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT YOU ANYMORE! I DONT WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! ALL YOU DO IS HURT ME! I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE! MY HEART CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE! YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE READY, AND IM WASTING MY TIME! I NEED TO MOVE ON!!! But, i dont know how to...

love,

me

lovepeace

Dear Christopher

I'm here again, and you probably don't even know. Things've been great, minus you "lusting after other women," that one time, as you so nicely put it. It's not like I'm mad or anything, or bitter for that matter; at least, I don't think so, and it doesn't feel like it. I'm just like.. confused and agitated, and a little aggravated maybe, but not so much. I feel like crying, but for what reason?
You are the Love of my Soul. You've said to me that you love me, and proceeded to try to say how much, but you said you could not, for the amount was too big. I told you I felt the same way. And I do. But I wonder if you do, even though you say you do.
At the time, I'll think you're speaking truth. You certainly sound so.
But.. I get so uneasy when you speak of other girls
because I remember you trying to run after one of them
not even a month into our
long distance
relationship.
You say you don't think of it anymore,
but.. I was just talking to you on the phone
approximately 32 minutes ago, and you said you had another call
and left me hanging. It probably was Brittany again. I waited ten minutes for you,
then hung up. And I haven't gotten a call back. And now the minutes have changed to 33.
I just.. sometimes I wonder about you
and how you can do that
even after you say
that I
am your top priority.
Maybe I'm just being selfish,
or jealous -
whatever they call it these days.
I don't care. I'm stating how I feel, and I don't want to hide it anymore.
You're never going to see this. Or maybe you will. Just.. not now..
I love you times infinity plus one,
even as my heart is cracking:
Kariann
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    nirvana