I'm sorry. I know I don't say that often enough.
I'm sorry for yelling, for crying, for being me.
For not having a talent and not having anything you can be proud of me for. But this is all I am, this is all I will ever be, and somehow I hope one day we can all accept that. I hope I can one day accept that.
I try to be strong, but sometimes the pain builds up and I break down. I'm sorry for that too. I try not to cry around you guys, I've been doing alright. Now the tears just fall at night, where no one can see me, hear me, or help me. Just my pillow, me, and the night sky.
I'm sorry for turning my music up so loud while you guys are fighting. I don't like hearing it, and I guess I was just trying to block the sound away, and surround myself with music instead.
I'm also sorry, because I know you will never read this. My apoligies are something you will probably never read or hear, because I'm too scared to talk to you about this. About anything. I've been running away from my secrets, and my mistakes...which is why I haven't talked to any of you about any of them. If I talked to you guys about my secrets, well, who knows what could happen. And if I talked to you about my mistakes, I know you'd just be less proud of me.
But somehow, just by writing this and realizing what I'm sorry for, I'm building up the courage to say this to you one day. Maybe in a letter, maybe to your face, maybe even before I die. But I will, I hope.
and if I don't? I'm sorry for that too...
i hope you didn't fuck some random bitch last night since you were in MI.
you might get aids or an STD.
you and out of state relationships dont mix
but you and same state relationships should. especially if it's the same town.
same street even.
and if you did fuck some random bitch last night, i personally, do not want to hear about it at all.
much love from someone who doesnt have any STD's.
You mean everything to me. That doesn't mean too much to you. As if you being so far away isn't hard enough, i have to worry about the company you're keeping. Well, I mean, if I were 200 miles away from Oberlin, where nothing I do with anybody would EVER get back to Oberlin, and all the friends I had were GUYS (that liked me), I'm sure you would worry.
Last night I puked waiting up all night for you to call. See if I ever do that again.
I worry so much about Dan and Matt going up there. I mean, if they wanted to hang out with YOU they could have just brought you to oberlin. They obviously wanted to hang out with them girls too. All night. And when you told me you guys were going to get drunk, I lost it. I mean, guys act different around their guy friends, let alone with alcohol, and skanky chicks.
Why didn't you call me last night?
I hate you.
I feel as if we are drifting apart...I hate her. You know who I'm talking about. She makes me feel like just a footnote in your life.
And maybe she's right.
She's right there for you, always. While I can never be by your side. I hate her.
I know you hate HIM as well. Yet he's HERE. I have a total of maybe 3 friends, and he's here. We have so much fun, as you and I never really have.
Yet, in some strange way, I love you. But will it matter in the end? When I'm forced to stp going online, or calling? Will you try to call me? I doubt you'd try.
I want to be a hermit when I grow up. And never have to be hurt by anyone ever again. Even now, as I'm typing this, I'm not able to talk to you. Our lives are just too busy for eachother.
But I love you.
i love you alot and you may never know it.
i want to tell you everything just spill it all out to you before you die
but i cant no matter how hard i try i cant
i know after you die i will never be able to go to wendys late at night and get chicken nuggets again without thinking about you
and it will just be to hard
to tell you the truth i wanna hate you alot right now but to tell you the truth thats a lie.. cuz i dont and i dont think i could
im 14 and your leaveing me i dont think i can hadle it i really cant
i have already lost james and i cant lose you to
i dont want to forget your blue eyes thats why i took a picture of them randomly
theres so much i want to explain to you
i want to tell you that i wont smoke but i have.. alot.. i was addicted and i want to say i wont ever do it again but i dont think i can do that
i tell you im ok but im not
i dont ever want to tell you that going out with you at night makes me want to cry even more and makes me want to die and cut
but at the same time i want to
but i wont
cuz i know that if i do you wont take me out anymore even if it is a car ride
i also want to dump your ashes in lynn woods not the bird place
cuz i remeber us being happy and having a family thing and being happy
before you got cancer
im soo sorry that i cant be the best daugher
and im so sorry for all the time that i told you i hated you and noel and joey and mom and jason
i dont mean it i love you
i kept the sweet and sour sauce from wendys cuz i knew i would want it
i want to keep all of your pictures but at the same time i dont
i dont want to forget your face or eyes
i dont want to go to school then find out your not here
i want you to know that i dont want you to leave
i want you to know that i tried so hard to block out everything you told me and i tought it worked but i got home and remembered everything you said
to tell you the truth i think im ganna be in the room when you die and spill all of this to you
i promsie you i will go to collage and join the army
i promise you that when you die i will watch joey and noel and let them sleep in my room even tho i cant stand them
and i promise to cry
and i promise to hold them and let them cry
i promise to video tape everything
i Promise i will try not to kill myself over it even tho i dont know if it will work
i promise to get my grades up
and i want to tell you how much i love you but i cant
and i dont know how to explain how i feel in a letter
im ganna try hard to get a job and make things work
i promise to watch out for mommy
and i pray that you show me a sign that you are ok
and i promise i will try and remember you
and i dont want to move out of the house
even tho i have a feeling that we will
i dont want to leave you behind
and im i lied to you alot
cuz i snuck out alot and i went to meet people to smoke and do bad things
and i want to tell you so much but i dont want you to hurt
and i love you too much to see you hurt
but i am going to tell you this all sometime
im ganna tell you right before you die before you let go
before n e thing
and im going to find out what noel and mommy and joey want me to say that they wont.. ill have them write letters just like this one.. and it will say everything a daddy needs to here
and i want you to know i will never get over this as long as i live
i know this is hard to hear daddy.. and i know that i cant fill you in on my life
but i truly love you daddy and i want you to be happy when you die or well to be free and not to be scared even tho i think everyone is afraid of dieing when it really is about to happen
i love you so much and you need to know that and i promise to take care of us all
love always and forever
your daughter ashley.