I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
[Most Recent Entries]
Sunday, March 20th, 2005
what is with you? me and boy have done nothing wrong! we haven't hugged, kissed or slept with each other yet u act like we've done every position in the kama sutra right in front of you! why can't u trust us? especially when u have cheated on him! it was kind of unfair to take his good charlotte ticket off him when they are his favourite band and you brought him them for valentines day.
ok i'm going to admit to the fact that it was incredibly hard not to kiss boy tonight, and when u'd broken up in the half term, it could have been so easy, but i didn't because of YOU. i'm not the closest person to you but i still didnt do that cause you're my friend. i find it slightly insulting that you have never said to me that you havea problem with me and boy being friends, i mean i was going to find out some way or another so why didnt you tell me?
but whatever its your life, i'm trying to stay out of it as much as i can, but you're trying to bring me in.
omg. i thought it was just friend feelings. i knew there was some connection, and we get along better than the rest of us. and you're younger than me which i always thought would be weird. but apart from when ure a retard you seem my age. i feel comfortable with you, but still butterfliey, and i can see us working as a couple. u smelt of beer and bread tonight and made it smell good, and i loved just singing into your back and people thinking we were a couple. (how crap am i for thinking that) and now uve told me you like me. omg again!? i think...i like you too. but girl. shes my friend. not a really close friend, but a friend. and im really gd friends with her cousin. and i have to see her every day. im kinda scared. i don't want to hurt girls feelings and have this big thing but then again i'm lonely, and i like you. but then again u did tell girl some bollocks about using me to make her jealous. i dont think thats true because i'm basically the reason u broke up tonight. and if u hadnt wanted that u wldnt have hung out with me. right? this is so hard! i don't know what to do.
ure so fucking annoying with ure silence, i wonder how different everything wld be if you would actually speak to me in person instead of hiding behind a computer. i think you're really hot but then i think you'tr cute with your geeky collections of die hard boxes, and knowing so much about tom delonge and your white socks. i love watching you play guitar and hearing your songs. i love the song about the guy who likes the girl but thinks shes too good for him.i want to know if that's written about a real person and in the realms of dream world its written about me. with all this going on with boy will it make me more desperate to know if you actually like me or will i just get over you or will i pine for you like a loser. damn it you're too fucking hot! do i actually like you or the thought of you and me?
Dear anyone who might be able to help
do i like boy or guy? do i go out with boy or be a good friend to girl? how stupid do i sound? Current Mood: confused
BACK THE F*CK OFF!
Thank you very much.
Greetings your close friend,
I confess to you my sexuality knowing full well you disapprove.
Don’t feel so shocked, you hear about us all the time in the media. So you tell me God doesn’t approve. You are not God, that doesn’t mean you have to, besides can books lie.
Those words I just you told didn’t change me, I have been this way and always will be, there is no changing that, even if you disown me. If you think we are destroying the population because our numbers are growing stronger, you are very wrong. Our numbers are not the ones growing stronger, We Are.
And with every scream of homophobic slur, with every bruise you place on me, it feeds my strength, and increases my tolerance toward your ignorance. Because of you and all the others who hate me because of who I am, I am strong enough to consider myself to be proud of my sexuality, instead of hiding it to the world.
You cannot get rid of me, you cannot get rid of us. You cannot escape us, we are all around you.
Your GLBT friend, family member, co-worker, and neighbor
| Dear "friends",
It's kind of funny how when you find out I don't have my car, you don't want to hang out with me. But when I do have my car, everyone is my best friend. Its getting annoying. It makes me feel like shit to know you only want to hang out with me because I can drive. Do you take me for a fool? I see now who my real friends are. They are the ones that still want to hang out with me even if I don't have a car. They are the ones that are there for me.
You hurt me. I thought things were going great between us -- then you flirt with one of my good friends.. right infront of my face. Both of you knew how I felt. My heart broke into two last night. 4 years, Kevin. 4 years I've liked you. One of those years you liked me. We went out for a while. After we broke up, you still had feelings for me. You told me one day we would be together again. I'm still waiting.. I should give up. I'm tired of being hurt. I miss you. I
WTF! You knew I like Kevin. I always have.. You knew that. Why did you lay on his lap? Why did you hold his hand? Why? You tell me you don't like him. I don't know what to believe anymore. I hate being lied to.. I thought I could trust you, but I don't know anymore. I can't look at you the same anymore. This hurts. You were always there for me when I needed you. When we talked about Kevin, you'd tell me how perfect we were together. You told me that me and Kevin would make the cutest couple.. We did make the cutest couple back in 8th grade. We still do. Yet, you go and flirt with him. Why?! Why do you want to see me hurt? I just.. don't know anymore. I hate being hurt. Current Mood: hurt
Dear Heart -
I am so sorry for putting you through all this shit. Sorry for putting you through all the shit with Matthew. Matthew wasn't worth it. He might have have been the one I loved so much, and my best friend, but he wasn't worth the pain. Matthew killed you, he torn you up, but I still held on to him. I just never thought my best friend could hurt you like that. Matthew had no reason to leave me, he ended our friendship, and he hurt you and my love for him. I never got to tell him how I really felt about it.
I am sorry for putting you through the shit of Darren. Even though Darren may act like Matthew at times, I promise you he will not hurt you as much. Darren may have me worrying alot, like right now, but we will pull through this. I love Darren, and he won't hurt you. Darren may make me cry, but not as much as Matthew.
I just gotta hold onto Darren, not Matthew.
<3 Me. Current Mood: worried
When did you curl up and die and why didnt I notice?
When did you get so bloody stupid! What happened to the play it safe girl of old. Never let anyone close enough to hurt you, never let anyone see what was hidden inside. Why did HE
have to have the key? Why did he have to be the one to get so close he could see the cracks on the mask and the tears underneath. I know im always on about how I put a mask on my life but its just so fucking true. Nobody would even look twice at the stupid little girl that is me.
"Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
But Lord it takes a lonely one to *wished* that she had never dreamt at all"
Im that girl. I can honestly say I wish that I had never had any dreams because recently instead of dreams Ive been left with this little pile of ash with a little pretty sign beside it reading "The final resting place of Laura's dreams"
So heart... If I can't bring myself to show the real me to show whats in my heart then why do I need a heart. Im just a broken hearted loser. So heart if you want a bit of advice go find someone who has the ability to trust your judgement. To follow you through thick and thin. Good and bad. Cause I dont. I dont have the strength to follow my heart...if you want the honest truth im too scared your gonna get broken. So instead your just gonna sit up on a realy high shelf and get covered in dust until im old enough, or wise enough or even brave enough to use my heart. I can say I love you. I can even fake the way I hold you. While you fall for ever empty word I say. Cause thats all I have to give to you
empty words, empty promises, empty love.
You cant love without a heart and I cant send this letter till I know where my heart is...or even how to use it.
Signed cold heartless little girl.
You say that you love me. But you love a fake. You love what I choose to show you. You love the image I put up, the front. You love the strong confident girl that you fell for but thats a fake, thats not bloody well me. Im the girl that loves to walk in the rain, Who cries at sad movies, Who can talk for hours but never realy say anything at all, Who likes the fleeting feeling of a kiss that just brushes you lips and no more, Who can smile from ear to ear and cry inside, Who eats ice cream and biscuits, Who dances in her bedroom to realy loud bad music, Who had dreams to be a dancer and now has nothing, Who has friends but cant tell them anything, Who has no self confidence and yet confidence enough for others, Who cries because she cant keep it in any longer, Who will fake it just to impress, Who will die a hundred times just to help a friend in need, Who will do anything to please others. But the thing that you will never know is...I will always do things to make others happy but I dont know how to do things for me. I say I love you not as a sign of affection but simple as a reply when you say it. I think there is something wrong with that infact I KNOW there is something wrong with that. I cant say that when I say I love you its a lie but I cant say it with all my heart cause I dont know if its true. I know I have never felt like this with anyone else but can you ever realy be sure what love is? There is no manual to it.
Yesterday you wanted something from me and I tried to make you happy as I always do but I messed up as I tend to do. I realy was trying my best and any sort of encouragement would have been nice. No what did I get. A put down. Thanks. At that exact moment I was doing something I was in no way comfortable doing and you go and knock my confidence. Yeh its easy to knock because it is just so small but that wasnt what I needed to hear. You have no clue how much I wanted to cry when you said that. It's no wonder Im feeling like I do when you do things like that to me. I used to think you knew me well but if you did you would be able to read me better than you do, cause you cant read me at all. You push and nudge and being me I follow you willingly. You own my fragile little heart and I would go anywhere for you but I dont want to. There are so many firsts ive had with you and I wish I didnt...but I regret some of the things weve done. You will never know that though cause it would hurt you too much and I dont wanna hurt you. I dont wanna hurt anyone and I never do intentionaly. Why can't you just hold me like you used to?
Why can't you look at me like you used to?
Why did it all have to change?
You don't kiss me like you used to
There are motives in your every move
And I know exactly what you want from me
I'll give you what you want
But you will never give me what I need.
Just a shame you will never know how I feel and how Im dying without telling you but its okay. I smile hides it all.
Signed Your Girl And So Much More. x
dear best friend who is also best friends with girl
"no one blames you cause you're just friends" no he still fucking likes me
"you'll have to pick between girl and boys friendship" why the hell shld i
"you're closer to girl" yeah cause i talk to her in 3 lessons whereas out of choice i spend weekends with boy
"she hates you" why doesnt she fucking tell me to my face then? why? cause i'm friends with her (now ex) boyfriend?
i can't fucking tell you this cause you'll get pissy cause you've seen how girl was today, but it's not fair that just cause girl and boy have broken up, i should have to pick, no one else will. just cause he likes me? grr
dear everyone i know
you'll all fucking judge me if i go out with boy, and fair enough maybe you should. but you have no idea how hard it is to like someone who is standing right next to you and know you can't have him because ppl will "judge". it is way too soon i agree so bitch about me there, but i don't want to wait, ive been waiting forever to find someone i'm happy with. maybe i won't be happy with him but isn't an experience?
the sad part is i probably wont experience it, cause i care about what you think. not all of you but the ones that i am actually close with. damn you all! Current Mood: cranky
|note to self
I really him.
Prepare to shatter.
I don't understand why you are being like this. So judgemental. You're obviously having a problem with me, I know that. I don't understand what I did to piss you off. I guess I just wanted some time to myself, some time to hang out with other people and spend some time with Kevin. I don't know. It's just all really confusing. Our friendship has turned into something distant. I miss the old times and the fun times we used to have. Come back to me please.
why do you love a self centered, heartless, jerk who wouldn't evn shead a tear for you if you died?
<3 the broken hearted loser Current Mood: crushed
thank you for catching memories.
it makes remembering things a whole lot easier.
I'm glad that you are learning how to let go. We're almost there. Once we are, we can be happy being ourselves again.
I'm so excited for your arrival!!!!
Carly Current Mood: exhausted
I've never wrote in this community before.
but i love the idea of it all.
this isnt a poem.
and it isnt a letter.
its just a bunch of words that wouldnt get out of my head until i did something about it.
so here you go.
the truth is that i havent quite found the truth just yet and i know that you think i cant do this alone and believe me im dying to prove you wrong and im just hoping that proof comes first. im losing all of the games i made you play and i guess this is just what you wanted. so here you are in control again and here i am out of my mind again and im just begining to question what it is to be in my mind and why i cant seem to find my way there and if ever there was a time that i was really there, and if so then why can i not get back there again. you dont know what im talking about and lets give up our lies lovely, neither do i. id talk in circles around your deep breathes and rolling eyes and this will go on forever. i dont want this anymore than you do and you dont want me anymore than i do. frustration is much harder when you cant figure out where its coming from and beauty is much easier when youre hiding. id give anything to get back to where i fear that i belong and i hate you for making me hate you and this has all taken so much out of me and here i am. a neurotic 20 something year old and a pen to spell out the pain. lets pretend this never happened. lets pretend everything is fine. that always seems to cover the problems, doesnt it? my lucious lush this cycle is not going to stop. not until youre ready. not until im ready. not until we realized that skin and bones is simply skin and bones and i swear id break this mirror into millions of pieces, small enough that even i would be satisfied if i thought i had it in me. and ill sleep with my phone tonight. alone tonight. thats the third time this week. but its no problem for you and when 3:30 am rolls around we know what drunk voices and misleading choices will do to the both of us. i want to not care. i want to forget that you exist and i want to forget the sound of your voice and the ring of my phone and the hatred of myself. iwant to forget. its all i need. forget. so simple.