March 13th, 2005

if it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad

Dear Life,

You've worn me out.
With all your unanswered questions, your twists and turns.
I'm so tired of everything.
Of growing up, yet I'm tired of being a kid. I'm tired of never knowing the answers to things, yet I still ask why?
I'm tired of goodbyes and how they hurt. I'm tired of the word love and all my false heartbreaks. I'm tired of chances I've missed and I'm tired of all the oppurtunities that are on their way.
I'm so tired of it all.

(no subject)

Dear Mark,

I know that I said in my last entry that I wasn't over you, but I think I am. I'm sick of sticking around just so you can't hurt me. I'm not going to lie, you gave me the best two years I've ever had but that's over now. I still love you and care about you but I finally realize that we aren't going to work right now if ever. I'm sorry that I let you treat me like shit.



Thinking back...

dear chris
i miss you. we never got to 'really' talk.. but youre still my brother and i still miss you. to think what you could have become. not saying i dont like joey, i love the kid, i just wish you were both here instead of only one. When I get my license, I'm coming to visit you. I'll bring toys.
love your big sister

dear mom
thanks. i know its been rough with me. but last nights talk in the car helped me see it. It wasn't right. I shouldn't go back to him. And I wont. It'll never be the same between me and him. He's lost that on his own. And NO. I'm not even going to CONSIDER THINKING about who you said I'd look good with. Thats wrong and ...just WRONG.
love your daughter

dear rob
thanks for offering to scare him while he was singing. but its okay. i dont need him looking around ever corner paranoid.^^; although hearing that you glared at him the whole time while i went to get my phone was rather comforting. thanks for being my dad. i'm sorry if i ever disappointed you.
love your step-daughter

dear whiskers and smokie
i miss you more and more everyday. dont worry, i'd never forget about you. i hope you found a great home and are happily together. I really do.
love your mommie :D

dear friends
I'm sorry I was gone so long. I promise I'll try not to do it again. I miss you guys. Lets hang out. Hell, I'll make the plans if you guys want. How's a movie sound? Chicago? I dont care, lets just have fun again. I really want to play tennis.
love vanessa

dear school
go away. i hate you with a passion. leave. soon.
love the teenager
  • Current Music
    My mind ticking away

The World Is Watching Us From A Distance.

Dear You,

I hate how the things you won't remember are the things I'll never forget.

logical</i> way to feel, places cups on the right & fork, knife, and spoon [in that order] because she's a tad OCD, tries a little too hard to be profound, cares too much about what the world thinks, and will buy pink over blue any day.

I am the girl who will wear socks with her sandals, thinks compliments are nice to give, but doesn't like getting them, loves too hard and misses too much, finds perfection in imperfection, believes in true, everlasting, pure love, and will wish for 3 more wishes on her third wish. I am the girl who is incredibly afraid of heights but loves being at the top, can be what you've been looking for, will make those awesome brownies & cookies just because, would kill to have green eyes, takes that comment to heart every time, and wants more than this. I am the girl who thinks that being "just so cute" will never be enough, craves depth, loves rainbows in the sky and eats oreos just for the middle, will take her hot cocoa with EXTRA whipped cream and marshmellows thank you, wants more than anything to leave the world with a lasting impression, and dreams 3 three beautiful kids and a successful marriage. I am the girl who knows it takes work, can't wait for that day, gets giddy remembering what you said, lives too much for the future, will be sarcastic first and honest second, and couldn't be MORE grossed out by that guy who walks around like he's got a stick up his ass.

I am the girl who doesn't mind being "THE GOOD GIRL", loves you for your genuine character, appreciates the effortless-ness of your laugh, only feels sadness/anger/&pain on the inside, will never truly reveal everything to the world, and keeps your secrets because she promised she would. I am the girl who you go to when you're bored, always has a story to tell, lives for those inside jokes, would absolutely love to catch up, finds comfort in schedules, and thinks roses are nice, but lillies and tulips are better. I am the girl who appreciates the little gestures, understands, will forever keep a place for you in her heart, will never forget "that one time when...", is obsessed with chocolate milkshakes, and has the way to her heart in 3 steps: hold my hand-kiss my forehead-& suprise me with a chocolate milkshake. I am the girl who will always stand by the belief that a great big bear hug will be the cure, is waiting for the boy who will jump at the chance to dance with her in the rain, and not only hold her hand and her heart, but her attention, and knows the difference between your/you're, to/two/too, here/hear, and there/they're/their.

I am the girl who will find a way no matter what, is too shy and too insecure for your brutal honesty, has an obsession with long eyelashes and beautiful dark curly hair, thinks you're awesome, will love and remember you forever because of that one moment, and can't wait for freedom. I am the girl who just wishes her mom understood, wants to find her purpose in life, believes in the power of love, believes in God, wishes her life wasn't so monotonous, and will overanalyze every single detail. I am the girl who won't look you straight in the eye, would never be that mean on purpose, hangs up the towels, but leaves her clothes on the floor, is still hanging up that boquet of flowers in her window, always coordinate NOT matches, and thinks the most precious thing in the world in a smile with dimples. I am the girl who wants to remember every single second of this, describes everything as simply "awesome", senses it before she actually feels it, and closes her eyes, holds her breath, and hopes for the best.


And so, what are we doing?

Still yours,
  • Current Music
    Straylight Run- Existentialism on Prom Night
my smile

(no subject)

You make me feel sad. Lonely. Desperate. And I don't like it. Those months that you were away---sometimes I was just SO disgusted with myself. Not that you're such a big deal, just that I wished that I mattered a bit more to you.

You don't know what you're doing to me.