March 10th, 2005

(no subject)

Dear Bryan,

I hate you so much for breaking my heart but I hope you have an amazing life, even if you don't deserve it. You and her should be together. I get it. You're in love with my best friend, not me. It hurts like hell but then again so does everything you say to me. I should've known everytime you said "I love you forever and always" were lies. I should've seen this coming. I don't even know what I saw in you but you still hold my heart. I sit here and try to tell myself I'm over you but I'm not. I know as well as anyone that these tears aren't tears of happiness and that I don't feel okay. I mourn for you everyday but you're older now. You just went to highschool leaving me behind and it changed you. Changed you for the worse. I understand you don't need me now. Hell you got that point across loud and clear through the computer screen. You didn't even have the decency to say it to my face. I should've listened to Kayla when she warned me that you were an asshole. Just like always I thought I knew everything. Now I know that I never want to see you again. Your face would make my eyes burn with tears and I can't let you do that to me. I'm sorry I wasn't enough.


PS. I still love you

Forget the letters that I kept, this is another I won't send..

Dear Rose,

Just wanted to let you know that I still care so much about you even though I feel as if we never talk anymore because we are slowly growing apart. We used to be best friends I have NO idea what happened..

I think it started with the lunch table.. because slowly at our old one you started sitting with allison and crew cause there was no room. so i found no point in sitting there anymore when I tried sitting in my spot one day, there was no room, so I moved. there was that day you skipped school and I got upset cause you spent the day with Rob, which I thought was extremely reckless of you. But still.. it was your life, and I didn't want to overstep my boundaries. What I figured was I tried talking to you over and over and over again. You just didn't listen, so I gave up trying to change what you are doing because it's not my life it was yours. I understood that. I let you know how I felt and then let you decide for yourself how to deal with situations. It didn't hurt me that you never listened, because I didn't expect you to. It's you started lying to me/omitting the truth. Almost abruptly, we stopped talking completely. You stopped saying hi to me in the halls, we stopped making plans, you stopped coming to school with me, we stopped hanging out in school completely. Breaking off my friendship with you is equivalent to a heroin addict in rehab.

The thought of not having my best friend anymore makes my stomach hurt every time I think of it. And when I see you walk by me without any sign of any recognition, as if I was just another nameless face in the hall, It feels as if some one punches me in the stomach with something heavy and I become out of breath. When I open my closet and see the box you made me for my birthday and the loving letter about being "Sisters forever" I get instant cramps. The forever friends book on display in my room makes my eyes water. All of our "friend" picture frames gathered up throughout the years around my room give me feeling of nostalgia for when times were so simple between us. I just get numbed when I need some one to share my feelings with and there is no one who knows me as well as you do.

So now I started hanging out with a new group of people because all of you are always grounded. but I was starting to think that's only what you told me, because I would hear about certain fun times you had from other people. That was like a knife.

Everything is changing so fast i can't do anything about it. I think you started smoking, but that's just what I hear. I wouldn't know for sure, I guess. It's weird, you go from one second of thinking you know some one better than you know yourself to thinking of them as a stranger. You and I could hang in your rooom foreeever. Doing NOTHING. Making MS paint drawings and me writing stupid little stories. I was just wondering, do all our letters, pictures, drawings still plaster your walls? I keep my pictures up as a reminder. It's not helping me let go.. but eventually I'm gonig to have to. I guess this is growing up. This is what they were talking about when they said "life." I always knew some people in my life would come and go, but I really thought of you as the person I would be rooming with in college and sharing an apartment with as we struggle to pay the rent.

Was the close minded? I don't think it was. I really expected that. When it all comes down to it though, I don't think it has anything to do with both of us making new friends this year. Even though that's where the growing apart began. I think, the main reason, is Rob. You know how I felt about him.. and that was the reason for any underlying tension between us.

Even though we have grown apart and barely considered friends anymore, I still care about you more than you will ever know. I love you. Sisters forever <3

I guess this is good bye.
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