March 8th, 2005

(no subject)

Dear Colin,

It's been over two years since you crushed my heart. TWO FUCKING YEARS! And what makes it even worse is that we were best friends before we dated. It's even funny, how you chased after me for two years, and now I'm getting a taste of my own medicine. Trust me, I wish with all my heart I was with you in 2001, not Dan! You were the sweetest boy ever to me, and I loved you even then. I just don't want to be without you now Col! I want to wake up in the morning and know you're thinking about me. When was the last time you even thought for a split second about me?! And how did you feel a month ago when you, me, and Jake visited Country Roads? Did being on THE SHIP remind you of me? Like when you carved our names in it with a big heart. It's still there, you know.

And to make matters even worse, I have a great boyfriend now, for almost two years. Two years in June. I feel so guilty when I'm having sex with him and I can almost see your face right there. The green pillow we layed on the last night before we broke up stares at me while Chris is there. Because I know in my heart he shouldn't be. You should have been my first Colin! .. and my only. But you go out every weekend and hook up with random girls, and you don't give a shit at all. But how about I was your first kiss? And how about I was the only girl that meant anything to you? I know that's true .. your mom told my mom before she passed away. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up, but now I'm going to since you'll never read this letter (I know how much you hate them).

The night of her wake, I was distraught with missing her. But I was more concered with you, my best friend and the ex-boyfriend I still loved. I was the very first person there. Your back was to me and you were crying lightly into a tissue so no one would notice.. but I did, of course. And you gave me such a sincere hug, that I thought for a minute everything was the way it was supposed to be again. But then you walked away, and all the camp friends that abonded me swarmed to you. So I sat with my mom in a chair, and watched you from a distance. You looked so perfect, even when mourning. And I wanted to hold you close forever. And I wanted you to be mine only, and I would gently put my hand on your back and bring you to me until we both cried so nothing else was left. You know I would have, if you let me.

I love you Colin, don't forget about us. I'm begging you, please think of me. It's just not fair how much you're on my mind, and I'm not on yours at all. Please come back to me Colin, I love you so fucking much. I'll take care of you, and I'll love you more than anyone else ever could. Remember those summers. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I MISS YOU, I MISS YOU SO. <3..remember our song.

Love always and forever,
Seamanator <3