I... have a confession...
I need to get it out in the open,
Off my chest.
I AM AN LJ WHORE!
Let's have a romantic comedy John Cusak style relationship. You can be my babydoll and I'll give you everything. We could be patheticly cliche and go to prom and have "our song" and what not but it wouldn't matter because we'd be in love and we could be patheticly cliche together. How does that sound? I'll give you anything you want, cigarettes, money, candy, chocolate, sex, cuddles, a seat of power in my new world order, a staring role in my movie, lots of badly written letters and songs, all the time I have, a place on my speed dial right under My Katie Baby, the number two spot in my heart, anything you want. Really. I promise. If you'd just be my babydoll and let me love you and pet you and take you to movies and buy you things and make you luagh and let you have my army jacket when you get cold and watch you sleep and play with your hair and generally just dote on you. Pretty please with sugar on top?
Dear boy next to me--
I think I love you. I mean, I know I love you. I wish you were mine and I was yours. You are beautiful in the way you move. So quiet yet you make your presence known. I wish I could take you in my arms and breathe you in. I wish I could stand next to you and feel weak and strong, knowning you are mine and I am yours. You are beautiful, with you sandy brown hair and big blue eyes. The way you move, soft and slow yet quick and heavy. I wish you were with me. I need the feeling I get when I'm around you. Like everything is going to be alright. I know it's going to be when I'm near you. I know you'll protect me, but I still need more. I don't want the label, I want the kiss. I want the hugs, and the hands entwined. So when I look down I can't tell mine from yours. Only I would because your hands are beautiful and long and mine are ugly and short. Everything about you is magical, the way your eyes dance when you laugh. When you smile, the little crinkles you get in your nose, makes me alive. I just love you more than anyone in the world, the boy next to me.
As long as I breathe, I will love you.
girl next to you.
Boy who has feelings for me that I can't return,
I'm sorry it didn't work out. We were only together for 5 days and you told me you loved me. It was too much, too soon. And I don't feel the same. I need to go a little longer being single I think, or atleast I'll try. Until I find someone I really care about again. Someone that isn't Toxic. I hope.
"Life isn't about counting the time that you're breathing, it's about the moments that take your breath away."
To the only one whose hand I hold, who I hug moments longer than anyone else, and never just let's me win at our intense games of thumb-war (I win out of pure skill), my first real Valentine, where all my phone minutes go to, the Aladin to my Jasmine (because I know that's your favorite)...
It's funny how differently this letter has started the million times I've written it to you. I've sat here, in the same chair, in the same room, searching for the countless ways to write what I truly think. Feelings have never come easy to me, but somehow, with you, I can't seem to control them. You're the first one that I've ever genuinely liked and been genuinely liked back. It's a new experience for me. Letting myself actually like you this much. And admitting it.
Somehow, it's just different. I want this.
No letting this fade into the "nothing" that we were months ago. Because that was before the night my best friend drove you home and you told her you liked me, before all the side glances out of the corner of your eyes at me that I pretend to not see, before we went ice-skating in Horton Plaza, before our hands just fit, before I made you watch A Walk To Remember and almost The Notebook with me, before the kisses on my forehead and the "Good morning, sunshine. Have a good day love.<3" messages that I've saved, before you played me my favorite song on your guitar, before I learned that you taught yourself to play it just for me, before it became "our song", before the cuddling in the rain, before Valentine's Day and my gorgeous flowers...before I knew what it felt like to finally not be fifth wheel anymore.
I've waited for you before. And I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting for you to be the one I'm waiting for. "I think I'm in like with you."
I honestly don't understand why you feel the need to play mind games. You know how much I care about you, and you've known about me wanting more than a friendship with you for a long time. For the past 3 or 4 months, you say that you feel that way too, but you think we need more time. I was fine with that, I really was. And then, all of a sudden, you're telling all of my friends that you can't have more than a friendship with me because you "care too much" about me and that you "don't wanna hurt me". Haven't you realized that you've hurt me even more by saying that? And, if you don't wanna hurt me, don't you think that gives you an even better reason to try your best to make this work, and wouldn't that give you more motivation to take care of me & not screw up? If you were planning on saying that all along, then why didn't you just say it a few months ago when I was more willing to hear something like that? That's the reason why I'm so frustrated, your sudden change of heart is confusing the hell out of me. Why did you have to buy me a rose? Why did you have to spend most of New Years with me, and why did you have to say that you had the best time mainly because you were with me? Why did you have to call me pretty & beautiful every other day? And, best of all, why did you have to say and do all of those things, only to completely blow me off on my birthday AND our plans for Valentine's Day?
Whatever. I'm not forcing anything on you, I'm just disappointed that you've led me on for the past 8 months of my life. I really thought there could've been something amazing between us, but apparently, I've wasted my time, and I'm only going to waste more time by waiting around for you to meet me halfway on things.
So, unless you have another sudden breakthrough & decide that you actually do want something more with me, and until the day you actually attempt to put in as much effort as I do, I'm done with you. I'll always be your friend and I'll always be here for you, but I'm not going out of my way to impress you or make you fall for me anymore. My heart has taken enough stress from you, and I don't want to make it worse.
Dear Blink 182,
its me again i cut myself again,
mom found my scars,
i lied to her again,
She asks why i want to be a vegitarian,
i just said i do,
mel's worried for no reason,
dad hasn't call to see if i'm still alive,
i guess i was right he doesn't care,
u don't either i guess,
or convorsations are getting shorter,
maybe a word or two a week,
i'm starting to get lost in my books in music again,
lighters are my favorite toys again,
anime no longer seems the same,
i only have one friend again,
allison isn't it either,
she seems to be annoied with me again,
i guess i'm drifting away from everyone huh,
tim called me a bitch not even to my face but to everyone on the bus when i wasn't there,
i'm becoming weak again,
i'm falling apart again,
remember what i came up with back then,
Brused and Beaken but never Broken,
i think that is falling apart,
Saliva and Seether have leaked in to my system,
and so has Papa Roach,
but Greenday and good charlotte seem to be what i'm listening to,
only because i'm emotionless again,
that song seems to be one of my favorites now aye
in love and in hate
I've written you a lot of letters lately mostly bitching. This one is only going to be slightly different. I want to say thank you so very very very very much for waking me up. I used to tell Anna to get over the feminist thing, that she was too into it and the 70's were over, we didn't need to burn our bras, we didn't need to wear them and no one was going to put us to the goon squad if we didn't shave our legs. Now I see she is not nearly radical enough.
You are the new enemy. You are the enemy undercover. There might not be an inordinate amount of macho testosterone junkies walking around but now you've all gone into hiding. You are the new face of male chauvinism. You wear make up sometimes, you spend as much time on your hair as we do, you cry, you wear our jeans, you write, you act like you're sensitive and unloved and you act like you need us to take care of you. All you're really doing is being an selfish manipulative fuck. I learned that from you the hard way. I thought you were decent. You didn't look like the rapists, muggers, wife beaters, and other cunts Anna taught me how to defend myself from. You weren't like them at all. You didn't hit me or anything I could have taken you out if you did. You pretended to be nonthreatening and cute and sweet and lonely and moody and what not. Well you weren't. You were just sucking me in so you could use me. Not only did you use me and throw me away, which really killed and I'm not afraid to say that anymore. I'm not afraid to admit that you hurt me so bad I cried for hours until my head hurt and I still cried until I threw up and I kept crying. I'm not afraid to admit that because it happened, and it made you angry, and you will pay. You got in my walls because you were exactly apparently the exact opposite of the ones I hated. Well now I know better.
There's a new enemy now. He's not necessarily going to punch you in the face or make sexist comments or tell you how to look and how to act. He's gotten even more evil than that. The new breed of male chauvinist is skinny (so as to be nonthreatening), emotionally manipulative and subtle (think your mum), pretty and girly (a reverse macho stud kind of thing but with the same mentality), and he listens to shitty music (if the main point of the entire record seems to be "you awful whore you ruined my life and broke my heart and made me cry and everything on earth including disease starvation adn terrorism is your fualt" that's a big hint right there.) Essentially when it comes down to it the new enemies are the indie rock boys, the emo kids. Now I'm not saying all emo kids are evil, I'm not saying we should run out and shoot The Strokes, just the same as I'm not saying every really muscular guy who watches football or hangs out with his buddies and drinks beer and belches is evil.
What I am saying is that you, darling, showed me that just because you don't look like a pig doesn't mean you aren't. Or something like that. And you not only had to go a use me oh no then you made me into the victim and that makes me even more angry. It's not entirely you it's everyone else and their double standard veiws that you made me do it and I didn't necessarily want to or whatever. I don't know. But I haven't gotten even one chance to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs " I DID IT BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT I DID IT FOR THE SAME REASON I SHAVE MY GOD DAMNED LEG! JUST BECAUSE I WAS STUPID AND LET MYSELF GET MANIPULATED LIKE THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO ALL TREAT ME LIKE SOME FRAGILE LITTLE BABY BIRDIE OR ANYTHING!!!!" but I'm going to.
Anyway I still detest you.
P.S. I have no idea where the fuck the baby birdie thing came from.