February 19th, 2005

(no subject)

Dear Heart,
I try to keep you close to me. You are so fragile. Why do I ever give you away? Why do I think that someone could take care of you as well as I can? Why do I trust others with you?
I'm sorry I gave you away again. I'm sorry he broke you in two. I'm sorry he crushed you without a thought. I wish I could take it back. I wish I had never met him. If I could go back, I would. You would be safe with me again, unharmed. Now I have to try and repair the damage he caused. I hope in time you will get better.

Dear Heartbreaker,
Do you even know what you've done? Did you even think for one second the pain your words might cause? But no, I don't blame you. I blame myself. I am the one that opened up to you. I am the one that gave you my heart. I had *hoped* you would treat it with care, but you didn't. You just tore it in half, crushed it, then threw it away. I'm not sure you even know you did it, and if you don't, I don't even know if you would care.
Just tell me what is wrong with me. Why is it that you want her and not me? And why do you care when I talk about getting someone new? If you want to be with her, how can you get mad?
Oh by the way, I hope you know she has a boyfriend....
  • Current Music
    Lonesome Town~MXPX

(no subject)

Dear Mother's Husband,

How stupid I must feel now, thinking back on a time when I actually wanted you to marry my mother. I must have been so naive. My mother made me dance with you last night. I thought I was going to be sick. You try, and you try to get on my good side. But it doesn't matter. You can't save yourself now. There's nothing you could do to make me like you like I did when I was 9 and naive. Because a girl at 15 is anything but naive about what she wants. And I want you out. Gone. Just leave. I never thought I could actually hate someone. But, I hate you.

All my hatred,
  • Current Music
    Get out - Jojo

take notice; take interest...

dear boy;
you're perfect.
well, not perfect. you're far from perfect.
but...to me?
you're everything i could ask for.
everything i could ever want.
everything i could ever need.
+you scare my mother.

but it sucks because nothing
could ever happen.
you've been involved with three of my
best friends. &now you're headoverheals
for another one of my friends.

&that sucks.

+it's pretty damn obvious that you couldn't
be less interested in me..
&&&that, that sucks.

but you, you have the most beautiful
brown eyes i've ever seen.

which is wierd, because most
brown eyes aren't that entrancing.
but...i couldn't look away.

wowwww it's amazing how one
night can bring back&change so many
it's amazing&it sucks.

boooo; feeling changing one night.
you suck.

but? mr. oberst,
you're beautiful.

&i'd like it very much if you'd notice.


P;S to any of you anonymous fuckers that want to comment &tell me their obvious bullshit or tell me how i wear too much makeup, save it, fuckwit.
  • Current Music
    bright eyes

(no subject)

And I'm sick of feeling lonely.
And all the people say..you aren't alone.

The people I've met this year...
I don't even know what to say.
Like I want to be their friends
but at the same time I don't.

I feel used and abandoned.
And I'm sick of feeling this way.

-You say you care and turn your back
and leave me in the freezing rain-
Gun Sex

I'm writing you again

Dear you,
I saw you the other day. I was at the mall buying myself a half price Juicy Couture hand bag. You were there with two chicks. One of them wasn't Alora, or your girlfriend, or me, or Ally. The other wasn't any of us either. You're a slut. And you're the worst kind of slut. You're not just running around using people for sex, no that's perfectly normal and healthy. You're running around desperately trying to get a hold of someone who will love you and make you feel better because you have no self esteem. Of course if I were you I wouldn't have any self esteem either. See my last letter for an exact list of reasons why you hate yourself. I'm not saying you can necessarily do anything about it, but you could try. In fact I don't really know what I'm saying, other than that you're scum.
Love (in the empty meaningless end of a letter sense),
P.S. The only reason I gave you a cigarette the other day was because Walter was around. I pretend his friends are my friends and I kinda try not to offend them.
  • Current Music
    "Happy Now" No Doubt

(no subject)

i dont think you quite understand. you can have a chick as a bestfriend. that's okay, whatever. but baby, dont you understand that i want to be the only girl in your life that you run to? the only girl you need? but i'm NOT the only girl you need. and im not the only one that matters. i know your relationship with her is sister-brother love. but i feel som left out. i feel out in the cold. like i'm palying second fiddle to BOTH of you. it's frustrating being so left out and feeling not cared for. you get more excited to talk to her that you ever have to see,talk, or be with me. i should be the one you love more than anything. i should be the girl for you. but im not. i have to share you with someone else. and you know what?
it fucking sucks.
i want you to need me. but you dont, and if you do, i dont feel that you do. you act like she can do no wrong, and that i can do all the damage in the world. how the fuck do you think that makes me feel? like she's your little angel, and im the one burning in hell.

so thank you, for making me feel loved. because trust me, i do.


goodbye to you

The time has come to say goodbye to a person who at points was my best friend and at othet itmes was the worst enemy. Ryan was a friend that could suck me into his life and make me feel again. he would make me fall for him and I would willing fall. I walked away and returned so many times and yet he was always there. It's easier to walk away when he's no longer watching but at times it makes it so hard. so..

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you do in life. I'm sure I will here about you some time later in life. you'll achieve great things but I part of me hopes you never forget the times we shared. So much of who I am has stemmed from things we have done and yet it was too easy to walk away this time. You just left. No final goodbyes no last clues nothing at all and it sucks in some ways. I want to know how things conclude with you. Did MIT end up accepting you? Did you end up with stephanie or get over lisa?

GRRR what happened to the conversations we had all night. the ones when we were just friends. but the time has come to osay goodbye. So ryan goodbye