February 14th, 2005

dying

this conversation is dead on arrival.

you are so wonderful to me. so incredibly wonderful.

i cant do it. i cant. you're too good to me. regardless of what has happened. but theres no way i can handle this all. im just not as strong as everything thinks i am, or as i let on.

I miss eating. I miss sleeping. I miss going to school and being able to function. I miss paying attnetion and being able to concentrate on anything but you. I miss actually having more than one thing consume my entire day. I miss seeing the beauty of the world that everyone thoguht I was crazy for. I miss not feeling consumed by hate and frustration.

I hate practice. I hate softball, I hate school. I hate that I hate everything I've ever loved. I hate everyone. I hate the world. I hate myself. I hate how things are, I hate how they always will be, I hate how they should be.

I hate anything that takes the focus off you.

I hate thinking about you.

I still love you.

And I hate that more than anything at all.
  • Current Mood
    anxious desperate
ooh

(no subject)

I remember when you told me you loved me... I know you did.
You've liked me for the longest time.
We were the best of friends, were we not?
I remember the nights where we'd talk endlessly.... when we'd help each other through anything and everything.

Look. I know we got into some fights before... but things always ended up great again.
You said they did. I know they did.

Then we went to seperate schools. Trust me I tried to keep in touch with you. I really did.. but once i started going out with Josh you got upset and i guess you tried to distance yourself from me. Then you started believing what others would say about me. but we sorted that out.

I went to your house recently, we had such a blast. Or.. I did. Was it all fake?
because suddenly you hate me. we were talking about valentines day, and you said how much you didn't like it and then you started yelling at me. I'm sorry loves. I don't know what I did.
Maybe if you were to tell me I could change my ways a bit, we could sort things out again.
Maybe you don't want to anymore.


Change is the one thing constant in life...
Happy valentines day.

I will always love you.

(no subject)

im feeling selfish. i got to spend the most amazing weekend with my boyfriend. he brought me on the most romantic horse drawn sleigh ride. he left sunday, because we go to college in different states. well today i was walking around campus and saw all these people with flowers and chocolates and i got so jelious that i didnt have that. i loved the weekend we shared and couldnt ask for more... but i still couldnt help feeling upset that i didnt have what the other girls had. i feel like a bad person for feeling this way.

im so sorry that im letting these emotions take over. i should care about material objects.