January 30th, 2005


letters to God

Dear God,

i know, that you know everything, so may be you know, that i didn´t meant to kill myself, i could never do it.when i cut, there´s just the way too much anger in me. I promise, i try to stop, but sometimes i can´t take this, you know, it´s hard to be left all alone, so far away from my beloved family, and friends, and those other people, who love me. I´m lonely, and weak. I try to keep all this inside myself, but if there´s too much, than i have to do something...i´m sorry, i distroy my body, and my soul with all these shits. but i don´t want to kill myself, i go when i have to go! i´m not you, i can´t decide when i want to die. i can just pray.
i´m weak, and this is too much, even if it was nothing, compare to other people. i´m not like them. i can´t take even this, how can you expect, how can anyone expect, that i can build a life? ...a real one...not a good one, just...a real life...
i feel like i´m already death. so even if i wanted to, i couldn´t kill myself (but I DID NOT!) ...
i promise. i promise, i try to be the person, who i used to be.
but please, let me rest, let me bleed here for a while! ...and take my pain away...

  • Current Music
    The Used: yesterday´s feelings

(no subject)

Dear you,
you said it again. you have this wierd way of confusing me. just when i think i can finally manage, you fuck it all up. please don't ever tell me that you love me again. don't say it when you and I both know that you don't...that you CAN'T mean it.
love you...always and forever
xox starr xox
touch and look; Icon by alwssa
  • mt_soul

(no subject)

Dear Online-Friend-Who Likes-to-Hold Me-So,

Who loves to hug me tight and never let go. Who loves to cry on my shoulder and let me wipe his tears, who loves to tell me everything that he fears. You finds so much time for others in a chat, but when I enter I don't get as much of a welcoming back, and those times you know you pushed me away, even though in my heart, I wanted to stay. And I find that you're using me as a last resort this time, even though you say "you do" "you don't", you can't beleive everything's gonna be fine. And you still come to me for your problems as always I never minded, but I wish you'd never leave me in the dark where all of MY fears are subsided. So when you IM me each time, I drop everything I'm doing just to make your focus mine. And when you leave the IM, I'm never sure what to send, but when you leave me alone, you're only doing more to me than you never wanted me to do to you..

i'm not...

(no subject)

and yet again i say this...

dear j,
you have no idea how much i want to believe you, but you can't just tell me you love me...its not somthing that just happens. you act like you've loved me forever when we both know its not true. i miss all the attention you would give me. i miss all of it. i miss having you all to myself. i'm a very jealous person...we all know that. but look at you and her! your happy! so happy, why do you have to jepordise that just to tell me you feel for me. i didnt even want you to know i felt for you. so why tell me? we cant do anything about it! if she finds out you'll hurt her. and your hurting me by leading me on. i want to believe you. but i know its not true.

dear b,
i think its pointless to act like you still have feelings for me cause you dont. your not exactly in the best situation right now, but dont be an asshole
i told you youd get tired of me and you did so...there. i still think about you every waking moment of my stupid life. how about you take that as a trophy instead of crushing me to peices? i miss it when everyone i loved wasnt a complete asshole at the same time.
by flavuh

(no subject)

dear stevie <3
i had so much fun on friday night at my party, mainly because you were there and its been wierd that you havn't been in my life that much since we broke up... i care about you so much.. and i was drunk that night but the truth is all of those things i said and did i meant. i kissed you and you kissed me back, we can't forget about our play fighting, the thumbwrestling and you cheating at it :P.. thanks for holding my hand and letting me know you still care even though we arnt together.. thanks for swearing that we will not stop being friends ever even though im done high school in two days. i love you for that and i always will.
<3 Kash

dear gerard
i know how much you care about me and thanks for sitting there listening to me talk about my problems and even though you want to be with me thanks for letting me know that your best friend still loves me, i appreate that. thanks.. i really do want to be with you... but i also will always have a place in my heart for stevie and seriously i don't think he could stand seeing me with you. you know that as well as i do... i hope things work out for you in the future... i do care about you and always will ill never forget the night me and emma climbed out that window just to see you and stevie lol the night we met.
<3 Kash

(no subject)

big stupid metal head <3

i typed MY big stupid metal head and then realised you weren't any more. i miss you already and you're not even gone.

i always knew it'd hurt when you went. but i really didn't see it coming this time. i knew you were worried about it, but not this worried. after all, you have spent the last year or so reassuring me it wasn't an issue. normally when we have stupid little fights and one of us is all 'omfgg it's over 4ev@ </3' but this time it seems so fucking final. you're gone, and that's the end of it. there's not this feeling like when we do that, i always kinda know things will be okay. but i don't have that. you're gone. and that's the end.

i dunno what i'm gonna do with myself. i'm so fucking tired right now. but i'm not gunna move from here until i'm almost passed out. if i go to bed now, i'm gonna be up the whole night feeling sorry for myself. i don't know what i'm gonna do when i wake up and there's not some cute text waiting for me on my phone telling me how much you love me and want me. and when i get back and i know that even though you might be here, it won't be the same. i have nothing to look forward to anymore. i mean, yeah, i'll look forward to coming home and speaking to you, but it won't be the same will it?

i feel bad for being so angry at you. it's the logical thing to do. and i feel selfish for being so angry at you. but i want to tell you that you're selfish. i want to scream at you and stupid girly hit you over and over in the arm until you give in and take me back :(

i hate the fact you make me cry and when you do it makes the touch pad mouse bit on my laptop all wet and then it doesn't work properly.

i still love you like mj loves spider-man.

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
because I'm in Love With you

(no subject)

Im so pissed at you, but i have this fake smile pretending everythings okay. As soon as i get away from you i break down crying. How could you. What is this the 4th time, first you give drew head in the dugout while i liked him, than andy head and handjob and almost ass sex and than you go and do stuff with garett when i told you very well that i liked the kid. Sarah what the fuck is wrong with you. Your supposed to be my best friend. DO best friends do this to each other. And everytime i confront you, you dont get the clue. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU! Guys wana get with you because they think your easy. Is that what you really want people to think of you. Just So you'll feel good. Well have fun. And if you keep it up god knows what kind of stds you'll get. SO if you dont streighten up our best friendship will be over just like how it is with brittanie. I can make your life good or turn it into a living hell.

You Decide,
Love Your Best friend.