January 20th, 2005

(no subject)

I hoped for the longest time.

I know that I'm idealistic, you know that I'm idealistic, the world knows it. I always hope for the best, I always see the brighter side, I always think that even though the chance is slim, it might still work out, right?

I really hoped for you. And you gave me some basis to that, if I'm not completely wrong. You sent me the donkey and told me you "heart" me, you always tell me I'm beautiful and nice, you always compliment me and say the absolute sweetest things to me.

So who is she? And.. why is she taking the place where I want to be? By your side.....

I actually prayed every night that you would be happy. And maybe you've found it. But I can't let you go without letting you know... I love you.

I love you so much. I met you for three days and you changed my entire life, and talking to you on the phone makes my entire day ok even when the rest was teh suck, except for last night... Last night was the first time you've ever made me sad, and it wasn't your fault, it was mine.

I should have told you before. I should have told you how I felt. I should have told you that you mean the absolute world to me, that I would literally pick up and move to MA if you told me to, if you told me you loved me too.

And I know right now is the worst timing ever but it's all I have. I'm sorry, Roman. I just... can't see you leave without knowing how you feel about me, without telling you how I feel about you.

I finally did. You know that nervous thing around girls? The pacing because you don't know what to do, the wondering and worrying? I don't know if you cry, but I do. Yeah. I do it all. This isn't easy, so don't think it is. But it's something, it's a start and probably a finish, and... it's all true.

I love you. And I have since the cruise, when you held my hand and you sang to me and we stared up at the sky together and danced in the rain.

I love you, Roman.

Love always,
  • Current Music
    Josh Groban, "Allejate"
Gun Sex

HEY ALEX! YOU FUCKER! Don't even try it. I invinted that move.


Yeah, I'm talking to you, again. I was totally content to just let things go but you couldn't have that could you? God you're so pathetic. You're trying to play the old if I can't have you no one can card. Give it up kid, I invinted that move. I know all about the stupid game you think you're playing. I hate you and I wish you would just give it. Hating you makes me sick, and honestly I want you to die (and don't think I wouldn't pull it off either, bitch.) You think you're such a fucking hot shot with your boring friends and you're stupid highschool parking lot drug deals. You think you're something special because you can sit around and burn yourself a little and not flinch. Well fuck you. Just fuck you. Don't you ever ever ever try to do what you did today again or I swear I'm going to get ya. And you're sure as fucking hell gonna flinch.

What's your God damned problem? Do you just get off on beiung a jack ass, why do I matter so much? Go fuck Christina and leave me alone you cunt. I know I am the number one all time greatest and I know I'm going places far beyond your bad apartment coke head emo band bullshit and no, you aren't getting a free ride so fuck off. JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! I don't even know how to deal with you, I've had people harass me, threaten me, etc. etc. but I have never had someone just attatch. That's what you're doing you little bastard. I hate it. Don't think just because I play it cool that I don't despise you with the kind of passion they write novels about. I've got charisma. I'm not like you, I'm not plastic and cheap and see through. I'm real, I'm 3-d. And I can see right through you and you're pathetic attempts to sabotage me.

Well listen up you little bastard, you fuckingv cad. You're not going to fuck anything up for me, you aren't going to sabotage anything, you aren't going to win this. You know how I know? I'll tell you how the fuck I know. I know becuase I am the all time desert island top five list best at fucking my life up. And you're doing it all wrong. I'm going to get you. You think you're hot and you think you've got me but I know everything you're doing and I'm always a step ahead. Because honey I'm a hell of a lot smarter than you are. Don't even try it with your "street smarts" you don't know shit. You haven't ever had to really prove anything. I have. I've had to prove everything. And that's why I am so much better than you.

Don't think that just because I didn't strangle you right then when you were laying on me breaking my hips means I'm not going to. Don't think that at all. Don't think I entertained the idea of being nice, or giving you a second chance, or anything like that. There were simply too many witnesses


If you're interested in where all this is coming from check out my journal.
  • Current Music
    Alanis Morisette
Keeping quiet is hard.

"Best friends" means friends forever!

Dear Bobbie,

You and your fucking lies need to get a life and get out of mine. You use to be my best friend, and now you're just a bitch-ass liar. I don't know when it happened, but it has been a while. I hate you. I've never hated someone so much until now. I used to hate you just for reasons, now I hate you for you face. And I can't stand your voice. Your stories don't intrest me. I don't care if you almost drowned. It really is a shame you didn't.

You're such a slut. You may not think so, but you are. You want to be a tease, but you're face is ruining it for you. You know what I'm talking about. You're the cause to all my problems. And it's all because you never moved to California. I can't believe all the things you've done to me, and I just let you. I just let you. Whatever guy I start to like, and he might like me, you push your way in. You make it impossible. You and your stupid mouth. I wish to staple them shut. It's almost as if you are jealous. I seriously hope you are. Now that Austin doesn't have his attention on you anymore, you feel like you don't belong. You are right about that.

I don't want to walk with you anymore. I wish you'd get kidnaped. I hate listening to you. I can never get a word out. You don't know how I really feel. I wish to staple your lips shut. Don't call me your best friend. Don't talk to me. DOn't think of me. Don't look at me. Just dissapear already.

I hate that I hate you. I never hate this much ever. I'm usually not this kind of person. You made me this way. You did. I hate that I won't forget you. I already know I wont. You're the girl that ruined my life.

So I dedicate this fucking song to you, Bobbie. Every lyric is how I feel. How I really feel. I let you think I'm okay with you. One of these days Bobbie, one of these days you're gunna get it. Your gunna remember me as the girl who told you the truth about yourself. You're gunna be total trash when you're older. We both know that. What guy would have any intrest in you.

I'm sorry, Bobbie, but I hate you and wish you'd die.

Love always never,

I take it back, I'm not sorry. I just hate you.
  • Current Music
    Brand New - Seventy Times 7

(no subject)

Dear Bryan,

What the Almighty Fuck is your problem? Why do you insist on treating me like shit all for the sake of you fucking "boyfriend"? Why do you feel the need to toss my feelings out the window whenever it comes to him? The minute you two got together, I didn't matter anymore. I ask you for one small fucking favor. One tiny little thing and you find it a chore to even consider attempting. But Sweet Jesus if Joseph asked for the same exact thing at the same exact time, it has to be done right away. And it's a pity I'm not exaggerating or just being over dramatic because that's happened before.
Don't you realize that you are throwing a perfectly good friendship away all for the sake of a "relationship" that doesn't even exist? It's either you refuse to realize that you're being used by a whore for a good time or you just have such low self-esteem that you're ok with being used. For Fuck's sake, HE GAVE YOU HERPES!!!!!!!!! Fucking herpes man. But no, that's not proof that he's a skanky little whore. 'My name's Bryan and I'll just make up some bullshit fact that everyone has some form of herpes just to avoid that fact that my "boyfriend" is a skanky little whore!!!'
You told me yourself that he's not interested in a real relationship. He just wants to be friends with benefits. You told me yourself that you don't think this "relationship" is going anywhere. What the fuck are you gonna do when he breaks your heart? After the way you treated me do you think I'd let you come running back to me for support? All that bullshit you said to me last night about how he's your "boyfriend" so you have to put him and his interests higher than all you other friends... I wanted to pimp slap you so hard. Yes. Your philosophy on dating is that you have to drop all your other friends whenever he tells you to. You have to rape their feelings just because he tells you to. Don't you find that just a little fucked up? I'm so fucking through. The sad thing is, if you ever did read this letter, you still wouldn't understand how I feel. You'd just blow it off as me being selfish like you've done countless times before. Well fuck it. I'm through. Find yourself someone else to fill the void between the times when he's not around. I'm tired of being treated like shit for the sake of someone I already hated before you two started "going out". I'm tired of you telling me what I should and shouldn't do. I'm tired of you shooting down all my opinons and theories just because they don't necessarily coincide with yours. I'm tired of you acting like you know every single aspect of me when you don't. I'm tired of you acting like you've got the minds of the world figured out. I'm tired of hearing "I am a good judge of character whereas you Keshia are not." I got news for you buddy. You're not. You seriously aren't. Just because you can predict the actions of certain people in certain circumstances does not mean you are a good judge of character or a good manipulator of minds and all the other bullshit you believe about yourself. There's no chance in hell that you're even going to take into consideration the way I feel so, Fuck It. There's no point in carrying on a friendship with someone who doesn't treat you like a friend but rather, throws your emotions around and makes you feel like crap and labels that as friendship. I don't need it. I've told you countless times that I've put up with bullshit like this in the past and I don't feel like going through it again. But you just don't seem to care so:
Kesh. Over And Out.
  • Current Music
    Any 'fuck you' songs I can thing of.

(no subject)

they say timing is everything.
well my timing fucking sucks. but you know, i dont think it has anything to do with my timing this time.. its just YOU being a fucking JERK like you have always been.
Its so funny how you fell for my best friend, KNOWING how much i like you, &still not giving two shits. You never really give a crap about anyone else do you? The only thing that matters is how YOUR feeling.
Your the most heartless guy i think ive ever met,
you put on the fakest, biggest act ive ever seen.
You act like you know me like the back of your hand... when you dont even know half of what you pretend to.
You come off as one of the most sensitive, sweetest guys i think ive ever met,
but if it comes to breaking someones heart.. they should call you a professional. ;)
You tell me that "im not trying to point fingers at you.. cause it isnt your fault"

Even though i know your saying to her, "well you know you would like me if Destiny didnt like me"

These past 6 months, ive had to crawl.. to get anywhere at all, im not as strong as i thought i was. &im just so weak, that it scares me.
you told me to "please stop likeing you"

Its going to be hard if you didnt know. Its not the fact that im thinking about YOU in general... just thinking about what we could of had. What we could of been if i would of done things right last time, or what i could of done differently. Thats just the kind of person i am, &now i will always have a personal attachment to you...

Trust me, i dont want it twice as bad as you dont either.

Remember you told me that, "i know you better than you know yourself, &i know what you really need"
Well if you really knew me that well, you would of known how i was going to handle the situation. You would of known how much it was going to hurt me, but nontheless, you did whatever you could to still keep breaking my heart.
If you honest to fucking god knew what i 'really needed' we wouldnt be here right now, would we?

Over the past 6 months, youve made me feel wanted, you made me feel special, you made me feel like we could of had something between us. What was the point of all this? Do you find some weird pleasure in breaking girls hearts?
You know what you missed out on, so why do you keep on chasing her?
You are not worth it.
Your not worth these words, my tears, my heart.
This letter just isnt worth it.

</3Its 11:11... &now you wanna talk?
  • Current Mood
    sad whatev.