January 16th, 2005

Gun Sex


I HATE YOU! I fucking hate you with a nearly homicidal passion. I can't believe you. I can't believe myself either. I just keep thinking, woah. I feel like a bomber who set out to hit East Germany and blew away London instead. I really have no idea why or how I came to do what I did. It doesn't matter I don't guess. It was fun. In a really destructive seriously detremental to my plans kind of way but definately fun. Let's just say we got caught up in the danger and the shock value and our masochist tendencies and leave it at that. But first let me lay down the rules:
1. You keep quiet and I won't be forced to sabotage anything for you.
2. You act like this never happened and we can get a long.
3. You owe me cigarettes for eternity or I will tell her.
4. Yes, I am going black mail you.
5. Tell him and you will be killed in a viscious painful way, and no you won't like it.
That's all there is to it. Easy huh?
Affectionately your's (sarcasticly of course),
  • Current Music
    The eeire quiet of my house

(no subject)


         i wish I could go forward in time just to see if anything happens with us in the end. if i ever see you again. if you ever stop caring about allison. anything. honestly, i want anyone right now. i dont need you. i want someone who loves me. like you used to. because you dont. i want a guy who treats me like a fucking queen. like you used to. i want a guy who can make me laugh at the worst possible moment. like you used to. i want a gut to call me just to tell me he's going somewhere with his mom just in case i called. like you used to. i want a guy who makes fun of me. like you used to. i want a guy who has goals. who cares about me. who is in every song i have ever heard. like you are. but i dont want a guy who i cry for. who can just drop me and never care about me. never even talk to me. just like we never happened. like you. i don't want a guy like you. you are nothing. just a stupid skater boy who thinks his band will make it. you cant rely on that baby. i have so many regrets with you. everytime tears pour from my eyes. it ends up being about you. and i feel like im talking to you. but i know im not. because i know you don't care. and im pissed that i caused this. i thought you were perfect. perfect. and there's this guy. alex. he's a sophmore like you. and i could flirt with him. but i envision me and him walking down the hall holding hands and then all i think about is touching him and wishing it was you. i just wish it was you. the you that was the perfect one for me. the only one. my only one.


(no subject)

Dear parents

I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of being unloved and I know that for the most part it's in my mind but I hate how I feel. I hate having money become an issue all the time and feeling like I shouldn't spend any of it and I don't want my parents to have to pay for college but I don't know what to do. I hate how he said "do you mind?" and when I asked about what, my father replied " you're in my way and that's Noah's juice" well it's one of the onlu juices in the house and I drink it all the time. There's a bottle in the pantry thing and I don't know what the big deal is. So yeah that started off the mad mood. I offered to take justin home just to get out of the house. This was supposed to be my fun house, the one I could go to when upset and now there's nothing. So yeah I went out and took justin home and stopped at kroger. I bought Noah more white grape juice and I bought myself and bottle of gatorade. I bet the gatorade gets used and the white grape juice is left untouched. Anyhow I came in and put the juice on the countewr and then said night to naoh. About ten minutes ago I went down to ask dad what he was doing after noah's doctor appointment mainly so that I know where he is when I wake up so that I don't worry like I typically do. So he get's all upset about it and grouchy and asked why I cared and I obviously had something I wanted to ask as a result of the question. Well screw that I'll just stop trying to be friendly.

I feel like crap and don't know what to do. I'm bored and have nothing to do except homework which I don't want to do. GRRRRR stupid family. What else do my parents want me to do. I'm sorry but it's not possible to get away any sononer then I am. I leave in August and then I'm gone. I still need some finicial help from both of you and god if I could I would completely support myself but with my job and school and lacrosse it's not enough. I've already paid for my contacts, for fixes to my car, and soon for my housing application. And if I could pay for everything I would.

It seems like there is nothing I can do to plaease you. And yet nothing that gets you really really upset like with megan. I just wish I could get some reaction out of you. I told you about homecoming and mother says" you mean you have to go and get dressed up and go to the game" well yes mother I do. NAd dad atleast asked when it was ut then promptly said he'd be in arizona hopefully because he was going to work monday thru wednesday and stay for golf with scott. ERRRRRRRRRRR why can't they just be happy just say something. Am I asking too much? come on I may not want to go to prom but I'm still and girl and still like getting dressed up.

love your invisible daughter