January 2nd, 2005

(no subject)

Do you really think I'm ever going to let go of you? "We'll hang out again some other time". I hope you know I'll be holding you to that.
Please forgive me. If I could live that moment over and over again, I would. And when we hang out again (optimism!) it will be even better then the times before.
Love always,

(no subject)

Dear all of you,

I don't consider you my family. I've always dressed this way and acted this way. Nothing has changed except my hair. I finally realize I cant trust even my family. I guess in the end you really do only have yourself.

Yours Truly.

why cant i ...

Dear you ,

So I hear that you hate me. That you think I'm shit. What have I done now to deserve this ? Where did all those years of friendship fly away to? I don't understand what you expected, how you expected me to be. I know you said you never liked her, not in the way you loved me with your whole soul .you said you loved me , but you let things go on that I would have had to be blind deaf and dead not to have seen. I couldnt say anything , I didnt know how without making you drift farther and farther away. I see now that this was the worst thing I could have done. But you knew , you knew my heart was bruised by you letting her touch you and hold you when you never would let me , not in public . because "we were special and private" . Its all such shit when I think back on it. There are so many things I wish I would have done. So many things I wish I would have said to both of you to make it all stop. I wish I could have told you that I needed you to hold me and that it hurt me when you ignored me. I wish i would have told her that she needed to back the hell away no matter if she "only liked you as a friend".
I'm sorry that by me being uncomfortable I acted un-natural. I acted like I had the brains of a tomatoe when you knew there is so much more to me. And I should have been more my self . But you should have understood , and not just known why I acted that way , you know me so well dont you ? then why didnt you call me on it ? I wish I could change things . I wonder how they would have turned out .
I never told anyone to hate you after. And for the most part they didnt. People just saw how hurt I was. I was crushed. I never thought it would end. I never wanted it to. i dont still. They saw my side because mine was the one with more pity attacthed to it. You said horrible things, and so did I. I shouldnt have let people talk the way they did but it soothed me to know that other people saw the change in you around Her. That even strangers saw the gentle , kind , funny person dissapear into someone else. A darker, cynical asshole . But you were too blinded by Her to see anything but what you wanted. I wasnt the only one to tell you . You just pushed us all aside and claimed not to have changed. You withdrew into yourself and became someone i didnt know in a matter of weeks.
I never told you to not move on. However there is curtesy and such things. You didnt need to hang on her all the time, infront of me. that killed me . but i never told you that . I kept quiet when I started to date someone else . I wanted you to know . I wanted you to see that you couldnt have me even if you wanted me because my love and affection was going to someone else. I wanted you to feel that stab in your heart the way I felt stabbed everytime you smiled at her and stared coldly at me before you looked away. But I didnt . I didnt tell you or talk about it infront of you because I have manners. I didnt want to be the bitch. I wanted to have my relationship with Him without it being spoiled by gossip. It wasnt that I didnt think you knew , i knew you did , i wanted to be the better person . now i see i should have been vindictive and talked about every little kiss i had right to your face so i could wacth you try to pretend you didnt care. i know that somewhere you still want me .
i know that underneath all of that rubbish that you tell yourself about how much you suck that you think about me. That dispite the fact that you ended it you see me and want me just like i want you. Maybe someday you will snap out of your self pity over things you can never change and stop rolling your eyes at me to make yourself feel better. it wont . i will always be here . and dispite everything i still would do anything for you if you would just let me . i wont forget , i cant forget how good things could have been. i wont ever stop loving you . but at the same time i hate you and wont ever really forgive you for giving up on us.
i hope this gives you what you want . that hating me makes it easier to live with . that each day you wake up and know that you gave up something, someone , good. i hope you remember what really matters and that you snap out of your self pity .
i hope your finally happy .
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