December 30th, 2004

My life's a waste

Dear Jeremy,
I have something to tell you
I don’t think I should be with you anymore
I feel like I’ve been hurting you everytime I’ve hurt myself
I hurt myself too often and I don’t want to hurt you or anyone
I’ve hurt everything I’ve ever cared about
I hate everything that I am and I don’t hate you
I’m effed up and you shouldn’t have to know that
I don’t deserve anything good in my life
You’re a nice person and I’m evil
I hold evil perceptions of people who are better than I am
Which is everyone really
I’m narcissistic
I suck at everything I’ve ever tried to do
I’m negative and although you hate it, it’s not preventable
I live too far away from you
I feel like I have put in no effort
You were too good to me
I don’t deserve that
I’m what some call an emotional rollercoaster
I don’t expect anything ever because I’ve learned
I can never truly be happy
And it’s okay I guess, I’m over it
I’ve gotten used to being a waste
What I am doing to you alone makes me evil
I’m sorry
I never meant to make you sad
I’m sorry if I have
I never want to do anything but cry
I’ve got no incentives not to cry
I think bad things about good people
I don't care about anything
I’m sorry I haven’t done bad things with you in a long time
I just don’t want to sleep with you, or anybody
It makes me feel slutty
I want to sleep with someone who cares about me and who I care about
I know who I care about
Nobody cares about me
I’m hurting inside and I’ve always been
I’m so selfish
I’ve ruined this
It should have been magnificent
It would have been if I were anybody else
I shouldn’t say this to anybody, you especially but
I care about two people more than myself or anybody else
And they don’t care
It doesn’t matter what I think, my emotions are meaningless
So I wish I hadn’t met either of those people
And maybe I wouldn’t be saying these things right now
Maybe I would be normal
And not think of ways to get back at myself
And no, it’s not that I’m infatuated with death
It’s more that life is what scares me
So I’m genuinely sorry if I’ve ruined you
Although it’s inescapable, I hurt everyone
Love, Liz
  • Current Music
    Home Grown- I hate myself


I LIKE IAN<3 he's my old best friend's ex-boyfriend. I KNOW SHE STILL LOVES HIM!!!!!!!
but i don't give a shit because she had to be an asshole and stop talking to me. so fuck her!
he's gonna be mine. =*
  • Current Music
    the killers

(no subject)

Dear Ryan.

there's something to be said about you. there's a lot to think about. Out of thew blue you ask if I want to go to the movies with you soon. soon because no one else is around or soon because we haven't seen each other in a long. So I say yes and now I sit around and wait for you to come back on so that we can make plans., I placed what I wanted to do on hold so that if you got online we could figure it out. but there was a rather loud maybe at the end of that sentace and now it rings in my head and I don't know what to do. I'm caught in the trap again but I like it. I like knowing that there is one person who knows me or who can hang out and have fun or who will just let me listen without too many strings attached but I don't know if you are feeling the same way or if all your friends are out of town and your bored and need a ride because your brother recked the car and no one else will drive you around like I do. I want to figure this out before I have too much time to sit around and think about it. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr you frustrate me but in the best of ways.


Isn't it obvious that I love you?

You didn't even hug me back. That hurt more than you know. You just stood there, and let me hug you like it was nothing.
Perhaps it was nothing to you.. But I had been thinking about today, and had been thinking about you, for two months. Two whole months. I was so nervous about seeing you. Yet, so happy, and excited.
I love you so much. You mean so much to me. Iv told you so many times..
I think I just need to get over the fact that I don't mean anything to you. If only it was that easy..

I wish things would go back to normal with us.. We used to be close.. But now you don't care about anyone anymore..

My shirt smells like you, and it makes me sick. It makes me cry. ANd then I want to throw up. I wish you cared..
  • Current Music
    Snowbirds And Townies- Further Seems Forever

(no subject)

as of right now, i know for a fact. i truely, truely love him. I mean, I knew before, there was a feeling i had never ever lost for him, and that something told me, i really love you. but, after a night like tonight, holding him and wishing for nothing but for him to be happy, i knew right there, i truely am in love with him. I wanted nothing more but for him to smile again, and wanted nothing more but to just hold him. Its all i could ever ask for, all i ever wanted- him to be happy. I can finally understand what he has been saying. How, if i wanted to be with anyone else other then him, it would be okay with him. Becuase he loved me and wanted me to be happy. And i feel the same now for him. Sure, it would hurt, but, if it made him happy, then i would be happy. ...I won't lie, It hurt the last time. Alot. But, after a while, a good couple of months while, i became happy for him, becuase he was happy.
i can truely say now, when i said that i loved him earlier today, i truely meant it with all my heart. But now when i say it after tonight, i mean it with all my heart and soul. As corny as it may sound.
  • Current Music
    the sound of the wind outside