December 27th, 2004

What I wrote inside my boyfriend's xmas card.

Dear AJ Perdomo,

Merry Christmas. Jesus, what an excellent human being, you know, and his mom and dad. They are all great. I mean who would have thought a little stable in Bethlehem would be the birthplace of Jesus. Not I. Anyway, Happy Holidays and all that jazz. In fact, I think today, December 26 starts Kwanza. woo woo. The joy. I don't really celebrate it though.Too bad.

Do you remember when we first met? Like actually met ( Hiyee I'm ali, Hiyee I'm AJ type thing.)? I do. You were sitting at the circular lunch table closest to the doors that lead to the parking lot where people sit at lunch, you were sitting with Liz. I came over to chat with her and she introduced us. What a great day. I'm glad we met. It's interesting how it all works out. Heh Liz would always bring you into the conversation during our bonding moments at hockey, I’d always end up alluding to the fact I had a huge crush on you. It was funny. Then you and me started to writing notes to each other and at first we didn't even give them directly to each other but, then we did. It was fun. Your notes make me happy. It makes me think someone cares enough to write me everyday. We eventually started talking to each other because, you know, you need communication if you plan on one day dating them. After awhile you asked me out. I was going to math and you asked me. It was great. You had this to do list and you wrote what you were going to say on your hand. You also gave me this paper flower thing. I still have it. Then you know we were going out and we did things that people who are going out do. I remember the first time you actually said I love you to me. The night of the day when we went apple picking. I was hoping so badly you would say it cause, I wanted to but, I didn't want to say it first. Apple picking, heh, we never actually did that, oh well spending time with you was what I really wanted to do. I like spending time with you, hours pass like minutes, and maybe that is why I run out of things to say. We had things that bothered one another and we wanted to work through it. That's what I loved about everything. We tried. We just didn't give up or say oh well. We still do that last night is an example. I'm glad we didn't break it off. I'm glad we talked about it. I wanted things to work so badly. I'm glad you told me what you finally were thinking. I liked the honesty of it all. I want to be with you so badly and last night you telling me we should maybe possibly break up made me realize it. I found out last night just how much I care about all of this. I care so much. You make me one of the happiest people in the world, you’re there for me, and you listen. You're different from the boys I have dated. You try. You put effort into our relationship. I love it. I love you for it. I love all the things you do. The way you smile and the way you look at me sometimes. The way you randomly call me up or ask if you can call me, I love that. The sound of your voice, the way you tell me constantly you love me. When we're sitting on the couch and you put your arm around me or when we're walking and you hold my hand, it's so wonderful. I love it, every detail. I don't care about your bad grammar, I think it's cute. I don't care about all the things I hear you do in Spanish class or say, they make me laugh even if I look really mad inside, I'm laughing. I don’t care how you tell me about doing my mom or other peoples moms. Those things just make you who are and I like them all.

In conclusion, I love you so much. You’re amazing and the best ever. I hope things only get better from here.

(no subject)

I dont know why i act like i hate certain people while im around different ones. And then as soon asi talk to the poeople i say i hate, i find myself either falling back inlove with them or wanting to hang out with them. I confuse know it sucks when you think you're falling for someone again, yet you realize they are with someone they love...and you're just some chick from the past. Yeah it hurts. It hurts really bad, cause i want to be something more. And i want to have a second chance to make things right...and i dont seem to be getting those second chances.

Sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i never went out with these certain people, where wuld i be in life. Who would i like right now. Why would things be so different. Eddie, i love him to death. Yet hes so far away andi cant even give him all the hugs and kisses i want to. And now hes grounded off the computer..and i cant talk to him for another week in a half or so. And since i dont have him guiding me through my problems, i am falling for past loves..and Eddie's the only one who leads me forwards. And i love him for that...

But, my horoscope said a few days ago, to notstay with one person..that i have some windowshopping left..and i am doing that. In my school, there are cute guys, non that appeal my attention. They are them dumb, jocky type. the ones who are all big and touch and have the good looks, yet they are so dumb.And then there are the ones that arent bad looking, andthey make me laugh the whole day...and i can just spend all day with them if i could...They are the ones i like..they are the intelligent, okay looking funny ass kids i liek to chill with. Derek...yes..he's one of the few guys im lookinf forward to have a future with...

I dont know the point in writing this... just rambling on about a few things. And besides my christmas fucking sucked..i started to talk to Sean....and i got to hang out with Melissa, Lauren April and Autumn. And that made my christmas eve and christmas something special.. i just wished i had a guy to hold me.
And that was when the memories all flew in and made me start daydreaming...

ehh what the hell.. i dont know what to do anymore. so yeh..hope you girls can help me maybe...
  • Current Music
    senses fail- one eight seven

(no subject)


I freaking love you. And I know now that you care. And the smile will never leave as long as you don't.

I don't even know what else to say. There's so much to say with you, never a dull moment. You've had my heart for four months, but now, I can't deny it, I will never deny it, I love you. And I hope you love me too. I LOVE YOU. I can't believe how amazing you are to me. Dios mios, te amo. SO MUCH. *less than three*

Gun Sex

the first in a series of nuerotic letters I won't send


I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. You made me believe in wishing on stars again and then you made me cry, but despite this overwhelming desire to kill you in hideous, unthinkable, painful ways, I love you. I don't know why, I can't help it. I know I sound emo-y and pathetic, and I hate myself for it, but I love you. I just can't understand what goes on in your head. I never will. How can you say if I ever died you'd loose all hope and kill yourself and then refuse to kiss me again? How can you get self-righteous and tell me you don't lie when you do something like that? What am I supposed to think? Babydoll, you're either a liar, or you're crazier than me and god knows I'm fucking out of my head. I've stopped eating again. You saw that big awful cut and didn't even blink. You can't ignore me forever, or maybe you can. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore, except I love you. I don't understand you, but I love you. And I know, in my gut maybe in heart, that in the end you're gonna need me babydoll. When it comes down to the wire and you're all alone you'll call me, and I'm not sure if I'll still love you then. So you better hurry up and get desperate real soon before the clock runs out. Otherwise you're out of luck. But for now, and for a while, I love you.
  • Current Music
Gun Sex

Numbers two, three, four, and five.

You are wonderful. You are the best person on earth. You've made me luagh more than anyone else. You're my other better half. I have known you longer than I have known anyone else. You always get the perfect Christmas presents for me. You're always there when I call. You always pick the best seats in the theatre. You are wonderful.

I know we don't always see eye to eye, but with your brains and my charisma we could rule the world, just as soon as we get done bitching. You're the greatest. I love you're feminism, and the fact that you help me with my math homework. We're never going to stop luaghing about Mr. Randy Long, I swear. You're the mommy I never had. You stop me from jay-walking and give me that look whenever I cut. I love you.
Besides who else have I been in a red fuzzy dressing room with.
Ok so I don't know pi to the tenth digit but I love you,

Katie baby,
You are so much like I was, god that makes me feel old. I wish you were here and not there. Know that I am always here for you, and I can be there in a few hours by way of airliner. You are so incredible. You're always going to be my little buddy and my Katie baby.
Don't gag on a huge hairy coconut,

I am sorry. I am sorry I failed you. I am sorry I'm not your five-ster four pocket jacket girl anymore. I wish I had another chance. You're right. We are all one winged angles, and I let go. I'm sorry. I miss you my pretty pink star. But I will always remember you. I will always love you. I will try harder from now on. I won't be such a jerk. I'll be less self centered. I'll read all the books you gave me. I'll never forget you. I love you. I'm sorry again.
If only,
  • Current Music
Gun Sex

and the grand finale

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you hate you hate you hate you hate you hate you hate you.

I hate you. I think that speaks for itself. I won't even try to explain it. I can't. All I can say is that you pushed me farther than anyone else. If I didn't have such a fear of being convicted I would kill you. My wrist still hurts. You made me sick. You made me so sick. You gave me all this crazy, self loathing, angry, violent, black, blood spattered, choking, gagging, unending, rage. I HATE YOU! You are everything horrible in the world. You made me a cynic. You are a self centered, psycho pathic, lying bastard. You were just so fucking selfish. You just HAD to have it, didn't you? Well, maybe not anytime soon, but someday I'll come back and give you the rest. I'll give you everything you didn't already take and I'll force it down. You're going to choke on this. You're going to eat everything you forced on me. You're so gorged and awful already you couldn't stomach this. You couldn't take this shit I live with. You're so sick. You're so wretched. I want to see you rot. I want you to go all the way, I want you to be on top of the world so I can push you down.
In short, I hate you. There aren't words for it. I'll invent a word for you then you're a greedy-fucking-wrist twister-lying-violent-sick-crazy-over fed-life ending-infectious-sadistic-viral-pig.
No explinations needed,
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