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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope
 
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Friday, December 24th, 2004

Time Event
1:17a
Hey there fag..again.
soo, I'm really nervous to see you soon. What am I going to say to you? It's sounds nerdy, but I have actually practiced different ways of approaching you in my head. I hardly think of you anymore. Well actually, I'm not going to lie. I think of you atleast once everyday. Whether it just be for a second, I do. It isn't like I think of you and become sad or anything...it's just basically reminiscing on memories...like you do with everything. For example today I thought about how you were telling me your ideas on what you were going to buy me for Christmas. I'm not going to say I have completely gotten over not being with you, but it doesn't interfere with my life anymore. I'm just afraid seeing you again will just make the feelings come back again. Im so afraid. That can't happen because those feelings made me miserable. Feeling so much for someone and not even knowing what they feel. Or if they had ever even felt anything. It literally drove me crazy. I have two feelings when I think about seeing you again. Excitement and dread. I know deep down I really do just want to see you andtalk to you, but what if you don't want to talk to me. What if you just totally reject me. I don't know why you would, I have never done anything to deserve that....and I can't imagine you doing that either because you were the sweetest person I had ever met. But you never know sometimes. I know if I see you and you don't talk to me I will be extremely devastated. I have to take the chance though, I need to. Also I'm afraid I'm going to build myself up for this, then when I go up there I won't see you at all because you will avoid me. You can't avoid me forever though. You know one day we will see eachother again. It's almost impossible not to. So I think now is the time,so I can finally just know the reasons and never ever have to think of why...even if I hardly think of it anymore, but so I won't have to ever again.
Please, please DPL don't hurt me more then you already have...you've done enough already, and my heart still isn't completely mended.See you soon...
Love you always,
Meemers

And you,
I'm sorry for being a bitch to you the last couple days. I really do know that you have a bigger heart under all of your act then a lot of people think you do. I just know I saw you yesterday and I was jealous. I don't even know why...but I was. I wanted to tellyou that...but I can't let my gaurd down. I don't trust you that much, and I never know if you are telling me the truth or lying to me. I wish I knew, and I wish we could be friends..because I know you really are a great person.
<3,
Amy

Current Mood: calm
x
8:22a
Dear Dave,

Remember back on my birthday, way back in October, how the second you walked into choir you rain to me and gave me the biggest hug ever, and kept your arms around me like a real friend would? Can we be that again? Or am I going to turn into Jen? The girl you claim to be your sister, but have to stop talking to for a month or so?
x
10:49a
dear boy,

i love you and your breaking my heart right now cause i wish i could tell you but you dont feel the same

love,
girl
x
11:13a
Dear Ryan...

I hope you know that you broke my heart.

< / 3

Fuck you.
x
6:25p
I haven't used this community in a while, so here goes.

Dear New York City:

I'm in love with you. I want to walk your streets and take in your toxin breath every day of my life. You have this beautiful life and energy about you, such a busy body. Always working, moving, living. You constantly draw me into you, but I always end up backing away because I just can't be with you at this point in my life. I'm still tied down by my family, so I can't be free to mingle and dance within your borders. But I just wanted to let you know that, one day, I will. I promise you.

Waiting,
Melissa.

--

Eric & Dennis:

Yes, you get a conjoined letter, because it would just be too confusing to write two separate ones. It isn't like either of you will ever read this, so what does it really matter?

Dennis - you were here first, I know that. You've been with me for eight months now, and you swear that you're in love with me. It's incredibly hard for me to say I love you back these days. I never used to have a problem with it, but ever since Eric came into my life, I've been doubting myself. When I'm with you, curled up in my bed and cuddling with you, I know that I want to be that way with you for as long as we can hold onto each other. And then once you're gone, I'm so empty and it hurts me to sleep alone again, remaining only with your scent on my pillow. But there are other times when you'll be being so immature again and I don't say "Oh God, I love him," I say "Oh God, I'm embarrased!" I've tried to talk to you, but you just won't have it. It's times such as these, and times when we're perhaps fighting that I say: "Do I really love him, or do I just like him a lot? Is it worth this?" If I really loved you, something tells me that I wouldn't ask if our relationship is worth it. But there are all those other times when I'm just so sure. And then there's Eric. You don't know about him, though. I have a crush on him. I can have a conversation with Eric, and he goes to my highschool. You live a few towns over. I never get to see you. I see Eric everyday. He's in my theater arts class. We always sit together. He's very brilliant.

Eric - So, I'm about the millionth girl who has fallen for you, but how can you blame me? Or any of the other girls, for that matter. But at least I don't solely admire you for your looks. So many girls whom I've spoken to do, girls like Jessi and like Winter. But this isn't about what other girls think of you, it's what I do. Personally, I think you're brilliant. In the beginning, I just thought you were one of those stupid jocks, but I was so wrong. You actually think about things, although sometimes you may not make it evident. Before I started sitting next to you every day in theater arts, I'd come up to you at random and you'd tell me random things you'd seen that day and made you think about something else. To put it frankly, you amaze me. But the thing about you is that you're difficult to read. We're quite good friends, and you know exactly how I feel about you, but I'm in some sort of daze when it comes to knowing your feelings. That night in your car when we were just sitting in my driveway, I attempted telling you how I felt. I said I wanted to tell you something, and all you did was smile widely. I asked if you knew what it was; you kept the smile on your face and shrugged your shoulders slowly, exaggerating the motion so that they rose up to about your ears. "You know what I'm going to say, don't you." Still, the exaggerated shoulders and smile met me. I stated that I knew that you indeed knew. All you said was, "Give me a hug." So we held each other in your '86 Porche for a long time and as our hands moved over each others backs and shoulders, exploring and learning, holding tighter and tighter as time went on. As we were finally pulling away, I asked how you felt about it. You shrugged again. I said, "Just want to be friends?" And you raised your eyebrows and made it look as if you were about you shake your head to say no, but then you stopped to think, and you looked down and slowly shook your head yes. And then you pulled me into your arms again, we said goodnight and parted ways for a few hours before seeing each other again.
What was that? Since then, it's all I've been thinking about. You always have me around you and you tell me I'm amazing and the sweetest girl you've ever met. You tell your friends about me, even take me to hang out with you and them. You flirt with me all the time, blow me kisses, and lift me into your strong arms and spin me around just to make me smile when I hadn't been. You give me a ride home everyday and call me "hun," and I just don't know what to do about you.

And I feel terrible about both of you, because in all honesty, I like you both. Dennis, I feel it's poor that you said you'd kill yourself if I ended up breaking up with you, but Eric, it's poor that you won't tell me the truth in how you feel. I don't know what to do right now.

Well, I guess I'll end this.

Love to you both,
Melissa.

Current Mood: anxious
3 ||x

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