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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope
 
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Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

Time Event
1:58a
Dear Justin,

How do you do it? It feels like it's been years since we've seen each other. Oh wait, that's right... it really has been that long. How the hell can you say "I love you" and then cut yourself off from me? All that this distance has done is let me invent a utopia in my mind. I know that you're everything I never wanted. I shouldn't even still think about you, but I do. And I shouldn't have ever fallen for you in the first place. All you do is drink and get fucked up in front of me. You know how much that hurts me. And I now realized that you gave me everything you could. But you also lied to me. Maybe it was to protect me from getting hurt again. But I always end up finding out the truth, and it hurts even more at that point. Just talk to me and tell me the truth. If you never wanna talk to me again, if you lied when you said we'd always be friends, then just tell me to my face. Stop running away, because it only makes me wanna run faster to you. I care and worry so much about you.

And I know I never had the courage to tell you this, but I do love you. All those times you told me you loved me, I shoulda said it back. There's so many things I shoulda realized, and so much I shoulda said. But why do I think this way? You're the one who fucked me over. How can you still mess with my mind after so long?
x
2:32p
Boy --

Oi, you know I like you. You say you think you might like me. You've been so sweet & nice to me and called me irresistible and begged forgiveness hugs of me for silly things that didn't really make me mad. You'll never realize you really can't do wrong at the moment, will you? But you've got that girl, and no matter how we flirt & joke & fit together she'll be in your mind and heart more. She makes you smile so much; did I ever make you smile like that? I want to think I did. Your happiness is first in my mind, and if she's what it takes for you to get through all these hard times, maybe that's all that matters. Do you care about my happiness? Because all I really need is to be near you, to talk to you, to know I matter even the slightest little bit. I try to be selfless & it hurts, but I'll always try harder so you can enjoy the wonderful things in your world even if you're witnessing them with her.

-- Girl
4 ||x
7:34p
you
So I'm writing again these letters to you.
Do I even know you? I thought I did.
I know who you are when you are with me. Who are you when you are not? Seemingly, someone different.
I know you're kidding. But you don't see me doing the things you do.
Do you love me? Do you really want to be with me? Please don't play me.
I might not have been broken as many times as you have, but I am still quite the fragile one, and dropping me might result in more than just a few cracks and pieces broken off.
What am I trying to say? I wish you wouldn't talk in riddles.
I wish you'd tell me how you truly feel.
You did, but..
You act so weird in front of others. Like you're too good for me, or I allow you to flirt around with other girls, because I'm young.
*sigh*
All I wish for is that you were here,
but that wish won't be granted until way later.
Until then, hopefully, you'll stay with me, and stay faithful.
I love you. You are the reason I get up for in the morning.
Every word I say, every action I do results in what you would think. To disappoint you would be unbearable.
I hope you feel the same way.

All My Love,
Your Sihaya

Current Mood: sick, but thoughtful
x

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