December 14th, 2004


Man oh man

Sorry if my complaining annoys you... but....

Dont you hate it when people act depressed and then say they're "emo" when they just want attention. If you have a perfectly good reason to be that way, its totally acceptable. but i just cant take the drama. Im only 14, and some people say im young, but im way to mature for my age. Im tired of having no one to trust.I mean people are calling themselves emo when it would be impossible for them to ever be real emo. Some peole just dont get things. And when you try to talk about a problem with a friend instead of listining, then try to out do you with one they think is worse. No one has common courtesy in my town.I just want to move away and start over. Maybe not have as many friends, be self relient. It sounds like a good plan to me.

Dear ***,

Yes. If you havnt noticed you are very dear to my heart. Sure i go on dating other guys, but i always end up thinking about you. I always get bored, and you had to be the one person who keeps me interested. Its been a year now. But being around you just kills me. Everytime we talk i like you even more, and we tend to talk right when i think im completely over you. I wish you would just give me another chance. I dont know what i ever did to you. That night after the incedent you didnt say one word to me. not even goodbye. that broke me.

Well, thanks for acting like you cared.

well im done for right now...
  • Current Music
    the used

I really don't know if it'd make it all better but I let myself go, put it in a letter to you.


I want this letter to be diffrent. I want to be able to write the whole thing without crying. ecckkk here I go.

You probably don't even remember the first time you met me. But I remember it like it was yesterday. Kelly was late, ONCE AGAIN to pick me up & I was really frustrated. I was ghetto & in 7th grade & ugly as hell. But you came in, with one hair-free line down your leg that my sister & brad had taken a good deal of time out of there day to shave off. You managed to make me laugh.. somehow. My first impression was the eyes. That's the first thing I saw, & it was too hard to turn away. So I just stared until my sister noticed. As you were walking out you must have said somethin' to my sister.. or someone 'cause then brad repeated "yeah, I know she's pretty cute". & being an ugly ghetto 7th grader being called cute by a geourgous sophomore, that made me feel like I was on top of the world. I would see you every once ina a while after that, at gatherings at my house n what-not. You were always so sweet & took the time out of your social life to talk to a girl who is a good 3 years younger then you. But I kinda just blew it off.. 'cause I mean, Brad would do the same thing. Then 8th grade came, & I was incredably un-happy. You heard.. through brad & would always try to make me feel better. I always thought you were amazing & incredably sweet but I never really considered liking you because I didn't think I would have a chance. At all. So I did my thing & you did yours. & we both ended up falling in love. & I will never, ever forget the pain that I felt when it was over, or the way you would love to see me smile.. feel accomplished after you put that smile on my face. Which didn't take much work at all. Then months went by & I don't really think I saw you much. But then I get this random phone call from Brad,Hicks & you.. my sunshine :) to see if I wanted to smoke some majiuana. I didn't get along with any of my friends at the time & had not a damn thing better to do, so I thought eh, why not? So we drove around for a bit, not doing much of anything & I wasn't even that stoned. But I still remember what songs came on in the radio, which ones we both jumped at. The ones we both sang at the top of our lungs. The ones brad made fun of us for knowning the words to. (which I listen to those songs over & over again constantly) You told me I was a damn cool 8th grader & you loved hanging out w/ me. But then that love.. that I had got & lost, called the next day. & I thought, it's love.. i'm not gonna let it go again. So I took it back. & defently don't think it was the smartest thing i've ever done. We didn't hang out for a real long time, but you would stop by everyonce in a while w/ brad to see what was up. That whole time I never even looked at you as more then just a nice, incredibly sweet boy.. because I thought I had no chance. Girls like me don't normally fall for guys like you. Then school started.. & I remember walking down the halls incedibly flustered & i'm not even gonna lie, I was pretty scared. But then I remember seeing you.. in your blue button up shirt from american eagle. {you look soo good in blue} & I was instantly calmed. We remmonised a bit but I had to get to class. From then on I would see you in the halls alot & we would say hello & goodbye but nothing really more. Come to think of it, I had never even given you a hug. & I started to get a certain degree of clout, because I was "Devans little sister" & because I liked a senior. Not you..but a cocky asshole. But at the time, I thought he was the best thing that ever happend to me. So people were naturally talking about me. I remember holding his hand, while walking by you & you looked tired, so I let it go & made an effort to wave. Eventually that asshole broke my heart & immedetly you were there to pick up the pieces. Brad was mad at me because I made the ballot for homecoming court. So I imed you to ask if he was still mad. We got to talking & I ended up spilling my heart to you, & telling you how mad I was at myself, at him for hurting me the way he did. & then you said this, which I don't think i'll ever forget.

                 "well, you've cought alot of other seniors eyes then just mine."

So I was like, floored. I was like, I've cought your eye!??! & you said "yes" plain & simple. & from there, my heart has belonged to you. We got to talking like every night for two weeks straight & you would always say stuff like "see right now I really wish I didn't have a girlfriend 'cause I want to go out with you" & then one time you told me you saw me give Destiny a note & that you wanted one. & as nervous as I was I said okay :) I asked what you wanted me to write in it, & you said "tell me what you think of me" & I said, I wanted to know what you thought of me first.

You said..

"Well you're name is Jessika, you're middle name is brooke (which you made a point later to say that you loved how cute my middle name is) uhm... you have 1 brother & 3 sisters uhm you're moms name is dana & I respect her more then anything I think you're beautiful & real cool to talk to & i'de def go out with you if I didn't have a girlfriend"

BAM- right there. I had never felt happier, I felt like I was someone. All my hopes are still hanging onto, "if I didn't have a girlfriend." So naturally, I started to think of ways to break you two up.

Then automatically just everything was revolved around you, but the relization that you had a girlfriend REALLY started to sink it. & so questions started to arise.. what does she have that I don't have? Why is he with her if he is saying all this stuff to me? '& I still ask myself those questions. What does she have that I don't have? Him. Why is he with her is he is saying all this stuff to me? Well that I haven't figured out yet.

That day I came into school, never feeling as ugly as I did that day, covered in the rain- crying all wet.. & when you whispered in my ear "you look beautiful" I thought I was floating. That was the best day i've had all year.

**David, you are my sunshine. You're the only reason I ever seem to smile anymore. You're the only thing that ever seems real anymore. & i'm scared, because I can honestly start to say that I feel like i'm falling in love with you. & nothing in this world is more painful then loving someone, while you watch them love someone else. &icantdothat. I can't watch the one who I adore so much, be with a stuck up bitch from clarkston who thinks she's got everything. Which she does, because she has you. I really don't know what i'de do if you ever read this.. probably regret everything. But honestly the only thing that I regret right now, is not faling in love. It's not letting everyone talk shit about me when I was with adam. It's when I put myself down, didn't think that you would ever like someone like me-last year. I'de take that back ina second.

The only thing i'm asking for you to do, is give me a chance. & i'll show you how perfect we will be together. How i'll complete you.. how i'm always gonna be able to put that beautiful smile on your face. I want to be able to do to you what you do to me. Please will you just let me do that? 

I hate having dreams about you, because when I wake up I see your picture, I see what i'm not good enough. & you know.. i've rambled on for soo long, & I still haven't even remotley got out what I wanted to let out. I'm sucha sucker for brown eyes. I breathe you in, I can taste every moment. & the world in your pacient, honest eyes.. won't have to  wait for me. Because you know i'll never ever ever ever leave you.




                                                                               are nothing but..


  • Current Music
    REOspeedwagon: i'm gonna keep on lovin' you

Im in love and you don't care.

Dear Me,
Its time to get over dan, and move on.
I promise you can do this. But you need to be strong, and not fall so fast.
you can do it.

Dear Emotional Being,
Should I stop myself before I fall to fast for this boy?
And possibly get my heart hurt?
Or should I stand tall, and be brave, to find out what the beautifuil outcome could be?
Please just show me, if he might like me.

Dear Lord,
Please let things work out with me and Curtis.
I actually want a boyfriend for once.

P.S This could be an extraordinary thing.
Get over Dan for good.
And have a real something with a boy.

I hope this all works out.
Before Christmas???
yeah. that would be nice.
  • Current Music
    Big Machine - GooGoo Dolls

i hope this is the last time, cause id never say no to you...

My, Romeo--

You do know me better than i know myself
No matter how much i  absolutelyhate saying it... it is the truth. Maybe im just predictable? I dont know.
Out of the 13 songs on that Cd, you ended up knowing the exact one i was going to play for you, even though you know we have like 3 other favorites on it. Idk, maybe i am predictable, or just retarded.
What is it that just pushes you away from me?

Your so called; Juliet.<3<3

Dear Myself
Keep your damn hands off of him for at least two seconds. Common.. just resist. Tell yourself you could do it. Maybe.. its easier said than done. Cross the line, or not to cross the line
Your oh so close... who the fuck knows what will happen
Well you know this, he likes to be in control. When he knows he isnt in control, it throws him off a bit.. kinda like the thing i did at homecomming.

Maybe ive almost got him all figured out
That bitch

What will make him.. really like you?
A simple question i almost always ask, huh?

Dont give up just yet... your palms are slipping, but you still have your fingers holding on
Wow. He just called you. Coinceadence?
Your getting oh so far. Closer&closer to that line. ;)

Your his Destiny. Psh. Hed kill for this...
((may not be true, but you know its still alwayss fun to say,))

  • Current Music
    "chicago is so two years ago"-fall out boy