December 13th, 2004

(no subject)

You're still there in reality but not the way I need it.
Just Want To Sleep Away The Pain. Emotional and Physical. Just leave me alone and everything will be okay.

I Hate Someone A Lot Right Now But I Just Cannot At All.

</3>Love's an excuse to get hurt and to hurt. Do you like to hurt. I do, I do. Then hurt me.</b>
  • Current Music
    Bright Eyes+Lover I Don't Have To Love

(no subject)


i have no heart to say dear. i honestly hate you. a tolerable hate. a smoldering hate. something that is moldable, a tool, used when necessary and stored away for later. you are a fuckin drunk. dont you dare call ppl alcoholics and bitch about their parenting skills, when your no fucking better. when the hell have you EVER been there for me? you left me crying when i was 9. left me and mom and dakota and duncan. and in that moment i began to truely become the person i am.i dont know whether to say thanks or try to shoot you for that. i dont regret you leaving. i dont regret anything you ever did to me. i regret you still being a part of my life. i regret not being able to tell you to fuck off when you try to fuckin tell ME what to do with MY life...yeah dad, my life. not your, not moms, not jims, not audreys...mine. when i tell you that i wanna become a chef, dont you DARE tell me to go into business. dont try to fix your fucking mistakes through me. when i tell you how much i hate chinese, dont you dare tell me to keep taking it because it will "help me". this is MY LIFE dad. fuck you. dont ever try to tell me that im making a mistake. dont tell me what to do with my money. dont tell me where to go to college. dont tell me to respect whoever. dont tell me to watch my manners. you know that ill make my own decisions on my money, my education. and dont ever fuckin critisize my manners cuz you know damn well that, when i choose, my manners are better than everyone in your familys combined. impeccible thanx to those numerous times of you screaming at me to say thank you after i already hade multiple times. if i ever get rich (which of course i will) it will be no thanx to you. and when you try to take credit, i will were never there and in all honesty i dont want you to be. i just want my life. and i want to say....

FUCK YOU...thank you for leaving. it taught me alot

  • Current Music
    "Adam's Song" by Blink 182

(no subject)

To whom it may concern:

I hate feeling so lonely. I hate feeling so desperate. I miss having lots of friends and always having someone to call just for the heck of it. I miss girl talk . I miss having someone who would always watch over me and care about me so much that they're always worried about me. I miss having someone who I can gush my favorite secrets out to and who I can go to for honest advice. I miss the feeling of knowing things would always be okay. I hate not having great friends to celebrate everything with. I hate not having the kind of friends who you just KNOW you'll be celebrating New Years or the 4th of July with. I hate always feeling like I have to search for people to spend time with and that I always feel like I have to try so hard to fit in. I'm tired of always feeling rejected, or like I'm not even given a chance. I miss gossip or having girls nights just because it's Friday. I miss chic flics and popcorn of singing kareoke. I miss so much :(
- not a fan of solitude


Dear ______,

I try to understand. I try to see things from your point of view. I try so hard to take everything into consideration, but I still constantly feel like you just push me farther and farther away. We can have a conversation and I'll be fine, but then after I'll always end up feeling like you left something out or made something up anyway. I've gotten better, or at least I've changed, but it's still not okay. I have taught myself not to get my hopes up anymore, but I wish I didn't even have to worry about that. I guess as much as I try to put the past in the past it just doesn't disappear. I wish you had room for me to be your friend they way I'd like you to be mine.



Dear <3,

Thank you for being the one only person I can always rely on. I know things haven't totally been rainbows and butterflies lately, but I'm trying hard, and they will get better.
I love you.

- <3 Me.
  • Current Mood
    cold cold

It only hurts when I laugh, she said.

Dear you..
Since day one, you have told me that I will never love you as much as you love me. I think you meant that in a nice way, but I really can't be sure. Maybe your excuse is that you don't know how to show it. Well, I'm getting tired of that. It doesn't take much, really. All I really need is to just catch you staring at me half as many times as I've been caught staring at you. Or if you touched me the way I touch you. I feel like I'm the giver here, like I'm always coming at you. What happened to the days when you were my stalker, when you followed me anywhere, when I could tell in your eyes that you would do anything for me? Even when I thought you were an annoying little leech, I still kind of liked that feeling of devotion. I didn't know it then, but there were girls who wanted you.. And for some reason, you stuck with me. But that was a long fucking time ago. Pat said it's a shame that the first person I ever really fell in love with treated me like shit. I never thought of it that way; maybe you're kinder than they say, or maybe I'm in denial. I see something different in you.. I don't think you ever looked for any secret part of me, even though one definitely exists. Sometimes you look at me in this gorgeous way of yours and as much as I hate to admit it, it makes me melt. I don't suppose I've made you melt since last February. Once, you called those "the glory days," and that they definitely were. We were so much younger then.

We're still too young, and too stupid.

Amber is in love unlike I have ever seen her, and constantly she walks around like she's floating on some brilliant new cloud. Apparently this love stuff makes some people happy.. I never knew that with you, because the glory days are gone.

  • Current Music
    Bad Religion - Boot Stamping on a Human Face Forever

(no subject)

marcomonkeybutt: hey
exit outthebackX: hey
marcomonkeybutt: well i kinda wanted to break up
exit outthebackX: oh
exit outthebackX: can i ask why?
marcomonkeybutt: yeah. like i don't like you like i used to and i don't want to keep goin' on and just hurt your feelings even more later
exit outthebackX: oh
marcomonkeybutt: i'm really sorry
exit outthebackX: its ohk, i'm glad you told me
exit outthebackX: we're still cool tho
exit outthebackX: ?
marcomonkeybutt: yes! of course
exit outthebackX: alright, cool
exit outthebackX: cuz i dont want it to be all awkward
marcomonkeybutt: yeah neither did i
marcomonkeybutt: i still want to get you a christmas present... if thats alright with you

exit outthebackX: yeah thats cool
marcomonkeybutt: alright thats cool
exit outthebackX: well i gotta go do homework
exit outthebackX: but i'll ttyl
marcomonkeybutt: alright
marcomonkeybutt: later

I'm trying as hard as I can do not get bitter/jealous/awkward/anything else that would give you reason to not want to be my friend.
It's hard because that's what I'm used to doing to get over people.
And this was truly so unexpected.
  • Current Mood
    blank blank
Chop Suey


Dear Meb,
Way to push away your Coventry friends. Even if it was just over that Student Council shit. Even if you can't take Bryn's baggage. Even if you broke up with Sean. I miss you. And you don't care. You haven't imed me, haven't asked me for a single icon, layout, or to come to a dance. I think it's great you're trying to talk to Jimmy again, it's spectacular. But what about me? You don't want to hear my gossip? You don't want to hear what might be wrong or right with me? You move from clique to clique and it's selfish. I feel used. You don't have time for people. And it's quite obvious how wrapped up in your new boyfriend you are. Just...IM me sometime. Call me when you're bored. Stop raping my friends' page with you and your mom's problems. Deal.
Don't you ever think, Hm I wonder what happened to Justine? You know, that girl I invited to my summer party a ways back with her new boyfriend? You know, that girl I would go to a bunch of concerts with? I really need to go to a concert these days, dawg. I get more communication from my friend in Michigan, for crying out loud.
Miss you.
<3Marshmallow luff you.
  • Current Mood
    blah blah