I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
[Most Recent Entries]
Sunday, December 12th, 2004
This may come as a BIG surprise to you, but I'm over you completely. Yes I mean completely. And now all that's left of my 'love' for you is pure hate. I mean, what else is there for me to feel towards you? You were my first...everything. And you ripped my heart out of my chest.
I know I ended it...but you cheated on me and didn't even have the guts to tell me. I just don't believe you. You haven't even changed. That's what makes it sooo much worse. You're still the same buttface you've always been and I just don't know what to do. I mean, you're going to break many hearts, and get somebody pregnant. At least I know, I won't get pregnant from you...although you tried.
I don't really care about you anymore. I mean, yeah if you needed me I'd be there for you, but that's just 'cuz of the kind of person I am. I wish I could change that...believe me I do. But I know that I can't so I've accepted it.
All you ever did when we were together was bring me down, and break my heart into little pieces. I ditched my friends for you, and was lucky they took me back. Maybe that's why there are so many issues with one of them. And I know that I wasn't the greatest girlfriend, but I never thought about cheating on you.
I should have realized something was wrong when we both wanted to kill ourselves, and that was when our relationship was at its strongest point. There were so many signs, but I was blinded by my 'love' for you, and all of your lies. I cannot stand you right now. You just piss me off and nothing you do or say will ever change that.
It's been over a year, and yet I'll never have the courage to tell you how I feel because it would cause sooo many issues. And I don't need any issues.
I hate your big mouth. I understand the needing to tell someone 'cuz blah blah blah, but what you were telling was not your business, and it just really pissed me off.
Yeah, I'm done.
Just know that I HATE you.
-Christine Current Mood: reminiscent...
|I wish i was lonely, instead of just only crystal&see through.. ¬ enough to you.
I mean if you honestly wanna find a way to piss me off that badly..
Just tell me how much you absolutley love to lead me on.
It dosent even have to be true, but just to hear you say that, would not only tear my heart to pieces... it would probably make me hate your stinkin guts.You'd finally feel acomplished then, wouldnt you?
Last night, seemed like you were trying.. too hard.
Do you honestly think im retarded?!?
Telling me about all these hot girls you danced with at the quincearea isnt the least bit obvious..
&well im a bitch, &i sure as hell was not going to give you the satisfaction you wanted of me being pissed.
So i went along by saying how cute it was, &you know, stuff like that.
You say im always in a good mood around you,
WELL YEAH. It dosent take a genious to figure that out.
....&you made it sound like a bad thing.
Is it really a bad thing?
I honestly dont know what you think, i dont know what to do.
I dont know what she has that i dont,
I dont know what it is that you dont see in me... or what it is that dosent feel "right"
I dont know why i keep trying for you.
I dont know what it is that keeps me holding on to you.
You dont want me to like you anymore do you?
I mean.. its sucha hassle to have a girl thats just head over heels for you.
just say the word, &IMGONE.
But maybe before you say any words.. or before im gone,
can i at least have just.. one.. kiss?
<3your MOTHERFUCKING Destiny.
dont you forget it. Current Mood: exhausted
|Then I started throwin' rocks.. 'cause damn you're suchacreep.
<center> You tell me I hide behind my words, I guess I kind of do. But how am I just supposed to come out & tell you exactly how I feel? I don't get what you are trying to do.. i've had my heart broken soo many times before & i'm just not sure if i'm ready to risk everything. I mean, I know you're worth it. I'm just not even sure if it'll work out anymore. My destiny is taking a little nap right now & I can't seem to get it to wake up. I know we're mean't to be together, because if we weren't.. you wouldn't be the only one intheworld that makes my heart drop down into my stomach & flip about 920 times.
& I can't belive i've done this to myself. I'm not going to be able to see you everyday anymore. I'm gonna be stuck at a school sorrounded by pot heads & drug dealers.. & that is supposed to help me? I don't know, but I know that once you find out.. you'll lose some, if not all respect for me. & i'm sorry.
I'm sorry all I am is a dissapointment.
& i'm not even trying to get sympathy or any shit like that, honestly all i've done latley has dissapointed myself, or someone. & i'm sick of it. I know what it's like to hit rock bottom. Idon'twanttogobacktothatplace. The smell, the needles. ICAN'TDOIT. I won't do it. I just need to pick myself up.. I just don't know how to stop falling.
eyes (9:15:16 PM): dont give up on yourself.
easier said then done
& I think the only place I fit in, is when i'm with kelsey&destiny. but latley, i've felt like an outkast with them too? uhhh :-/ I need a cigarette
Current Mood: dgfdhgd
oh you, i bet you really think your special.
really think your that cool to talk back to me.
saying you know what love is, saying its okay to tell the world your in love with someone but the next day you say you lied because your were on drugs.
thats totally acceptable.
i really wish you would grow up. ive known you for three years and youve insulted me and laughed at me and have hurt too many of my friends. but for some odd reason i keep on giving you another chance.
because i always think your gonna change.
have you? no
you sometimes fool me into thinking you have. and i get happy because i finally think that your gonna be nicer. funnier. sweeter. different.
but that only lasts about two days and then your the opposite of everything i wish you were.
i say all these mean things to you and about you because im always hoping that at least one word will make you relize that you need to change. before you wake up and relize no ones there.
but you dont get it. you just come back at me saying how horrible i am and how i should be nicer to you.
and i get sad. and hate you. but by the next morning im worried about you.
i just cant let go of you no matter how mean you are kid.
im always gonna be giving you another chance.
so many ppl have told me not to waste my time on you. my best friends have, and half of them you have already hurt.
and i should listen to them.
but i cant.
and i wont.
because ive never been good at giving up on ppl, no matter how bad they are.
and im not gonna start now.
not with you.
Stop crying. Stop fucking crying for once you stupid whore. Stop crying you fucking alcoholic junkie bitch. They're right about you, you know. You are a fucking whore. You are stupid and worthless and no one will ever love you. So if you want to actually matter to anyone, wipe your fucking tears, close your legs, and put down the fucking bottle of beer. It doesn't matter if you're telling the truth, paste on that little smile, hide your scars and pretend everything is peachy-fucking-keen. You fooled them for years, do you really want all that hard work to go to waste? Remember when RC said he had to protect Nate from girls like you? Remember? What do you think he meant by that? You loved Nate with everything you had, you gave him everything and he ripped your heart out. What do you think you did to become the villian? You're always depressed and you've become a whore.
*the voice inside your head*
Do you think I like being this way? No, I fucking hate it! I hate being like this. I hate that when I'm drunk I'm all over guys I don't know. Do you think I like it? FUCK NO! I don't need to do these things. I don't like doing these things, but I can't stop myself. I'm dying. Do you understand? Do you fucking understand? All I've ever wanted was to feel like someone loved me. That's all... and I couldn't even get that. I had it for a while with Nathan, but I was damaged goods. He didn't want that, he deserved better than me. I had it with James for a while. My best friend, my very best friend... but he left. He's an ocean away and he doesn't care about me anymore. So I don't know... I'm trying to fill the void and it's not working. I'm begging you to rescue me. I need to be saved. Please... fucking help me, I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble and I need your help.
Chrissie Current Mood: depressed
i hope you know that you basically ripped my heart out and threw it against a wall when you told me to forget about you, as ridiculous as it may seem im still not over you as much as i wish i was and everynight i cry myself to sleep i hope you have nightmares of you being hit by a bus cause thats what you made me wanna do with my life stand in traffic and get hit worse then you hit me with your verbal abuse i hate you and cannot stand you and im sick of always thinking that im not good enough because of you you make me feel like im the scum of the earth but in relality chris.. im better then you because id never fucking fool around with your girlfriends best friend and then tell them you used them to get to her..
i hope you kno my heart is permently broken
She watched his brake lights melt
Into the dark
And She died young that night
She said, she died young
And she never did notice
How perfect his imperfections were
Until they faded into the night
And his brake lights were gone
And she kicked herself for not kissing him
One last time
In the cool damp air
She sits and tells me now
She sits and tells me how he said
"Lower your expectations because
I can't jump that high"
She didn’t know then
But if she had waited
If she hadn’t let him go
She could have fallen in love that night
And she could have fallen hard Current Mood: calm
|Just another pointless attempt...
Dear my ex-best friend,
I hope you're happy with your new life. Your new friends, your new beliefs, and just all of the other new things in your life that caused you to lose track of all of your old friends. Why am I worthless in your eyes? Did I fail you?
I mean, if anything I should have stopped being your friend last year, but I was unable to. I was too afraid to lose you. I wanted to be your best friend forever. Why didn't I see you for who you really were? I mean, you were there for me occasionally, but when I decided I was sick of being walked all over...I was shoved to the curb. Why?
I'm finally happy, and it's without you in my life at all. Sorry, but it's the truth. And I've never thought that I could say that. But I can. You just rip my heart out with every word you say now, and you stopped being there.
I lost a big part of my family this year, and you were around very little after that. I don't know, I guess I thought a 'friend' would be there for me more. Sure, I was different, but duh.
All I want from you right now, is to never have to deal with you again. But that'll never happen. We only have marching band and class band and pep band and so many others together. Oh well, I'll move on, I just hope you don't expect to learn ANYTHING about my new life.
your old friend, Christine Current Mood: contemplative