December 9th, 2004

this situation isn't getting any better.

dear mother.

i'm alright. get it through your head. i don't need you to be around. i don't need you to ask how i am, and mean it, and be serious about it at inconvenient times. there's only one thing i need and you've taken it and the most i can do is smile pretty and wait until this year is over. when i'll be gone and i won't have to worry about having to be sweet and considerate around my own family. because i won't have to make an effort. you know we miss dad. but do you really know the extent of my loneliness? because he's superman to me now. i can't honestly think of a flaw his right now, except getting walked all over by everyone but me. which isn't even a flaw, really. so you're the devil and he's god. that's how it seems somehow. i don't know. i have no idea what i'm going on about. i'm confused. i'm troubled. i'm fifteen, i'm allowed! i'm allowed to have mood swings and be pissed off for no reason. and i should be allowed to do it without having to worry about being blamed for my f*cking hormones. i don't cut anymore! surely you know that. no. what i don't get is how you're worried about my emotional state when you think of it, but you have no problem trying to screw it up. whatever. this is stupid. even if you'd see this, you wouldn't listen. and if you would, you'd forget and yell as soon as i shake this mood off and start slacking on chores.


ps. you're goddamn right it's raining.
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(no subject)

[Dear ]

The way you act is getting harder and harder to stand.
I don't know that I can sit there and watch you cry for attention so openly without slapping you.
Why is it you feel the need to include them on things, then when it comes to me you act as if you want to keep it all 'hush hush' when you tell them in the first place because you know they won't keep it secret?
Then when you feel me pulling away the tiniest bit, you try and pull me back in by acting as if I'm your best friend because possibly you know you wouldn't survive without me?
I thought we met on a certain level about how things worked in our 'clique' but I guess you thought you'd outsmart me and use me to get places?
Pfft, try again.

I don't know that I like who you're becoming.
But what about who I've become?

It's like for the past year and a half I've been this ditzy little girl to fit in, and now I finally can't take it anymore.
But I'm worried it's going to be the cause of me losing my friends.

This better be just a phase for the both of us.

& I hang like a star, fuckingglowinthedark

One of these times.. I won't be able to hold myself back. I won't be able to look at you & not kiss you. So just to warn you.. if you get an unsuspected kiss, i'm not going to apologize. (i'm not kidding either)

Well, I really like this communitiy because I get more advice from random strangers then I do from alot of my friends.. but I can't comment back 'cause my computer is retarted. So I still read them & I <3 them.

I've kept so many secrects for you, all the times you've come here drunk, passed out in the bathroom I picked you up off the floor, took you to your room, cleaned your clothes, so she wouldnt know. All the secrets I know about you that I didnt tell her even though she asked... but I didnt I lied and said I didnt know because you trusted me with them and you felt like you could come to me with them and I loved that and I was excited for the day I could do that with you too. And that day came sooner than I thought but still, the one time you figured something out about me that you could have kept to you and we could have that about eachother you spill first chance you get and then dont talk to me...I guess thats the diffrence between us. I was always there when you needed me on your side...not fighting against you

^^ nuff said?

I miss hanging out with you.. I miss being able to have 5 hour converstaions with you in the middle of the night. I miss the way you laugh, I miss the way we used to talk. I miss you so much & it's weird, because you didn't go anywhere. You're still right here. I still see you everyday. I just don't think that you even notice that. I don't even think you really care. I don't know.

But I do know that I can't keep doing this. I can't keep being your second choice, not when you're my first.
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(no subject)

There's something you need to realise. I'm not ok. Neither is A. You guys just don't see it do you? You just don't get her at all. Not that i do, but god, i'm trying. Don't you realise what it must be like for her, do you not understand the amount of pain she has to be in to break down in tears and sob into my shoulder? Why, why can't you see. How can you waltz along and not make an attempt to help. Why are you asking me what's wrong with her when you should be there for her, so that she'll tell you herself. Why do you ignore her sometimes, and not involve her. You both sit there and talk about your boyfriends, and she's just sitting there, looking so forlorn. You just don't see it, why can't you just, include her more, or understand her more, or something. Just something. And another thing. How dare you yell at me today. How fucking dare you. You don't tell me what to do and you certainly don't do it that way. I gave you you're fucking ideas, you told me to shutup or get out. Really nice, guys. Absolutely fabulous. So i left. Can you blame me? Just fucking walking around, giving out like nothings wrong, like one of your best friends isn't tearing herself apart, isn't sobbing at the end of lunch. Oh and C, you say you care. Bullshit. If i knew anyone more insincere i would kill them. You come in, you see Ali crying, then you hardly try to comfort her. You stand there like an ass. You laugh at her in classics when she coughs and it sounds painful. You don't even look at her long enough to see her hurt look. You never ever think do you? God, i don't really either. I know, i'm not exactly the best person. I'm not anywhere near that. I can be just as bad. But do you notice what you do? Do you? Let's see, well. Now, things aren't lovely and happy. People have problems. Here's a really interesting thing. Do you understand how much will and pain it took for me to admit to you that i was cutting my arm? To admit that yes, every night i go home, take out a razor blade, and slice into my flesh. I don’t think you do realise that. Because you know what you said when I told you, instead of the help I was looking for, the support I needed at that moment, what did you do? You started talking about E. Wonderful darling E. Who used to cut his wrists but doesn’t anymore because he’s so brave and strong and aren’t you proud of him. Why does every single thing have to be about you? I cut my arms. I slice them to pieces with razors and do you know what, I love it. I watch the blood flow and I love it. I want to stop, and I have for now, but I know, that soon, I won’t be able to hold off. And I know, that when that moment comes, you won’t be there for me. You’ll laugh and go off to E. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy, but you’d think, that if you knew someone obviously wanted your help, rather than talk about him, then ignore it as if it never happened you’d do something. Too much to ask I suppose. So you want to know why do you? You want to know why I cut? Well here you go, because everything is too frustrating, I’m too angry and I’m too sad, my emotions are too overwhelming and the only way I can release them is through my blood. As for my sudden Something Corporate addiction? Well they say everything I’m feeling and I can connect with them. They’re why I stay here. You don’t know this but I have a bottle hidden, two in fact. One is full of spirits, the other is full of various sleeping pills, extra strong headache pills, anti depressants and shit. And sometimes, when I have a really bad day, I take them out, and I look at them, and I wish I could do it. I want to do it so badly, but somehow, something holds me back. I don’t want it to. Oh no I don’t, but something does keep me here. I’m sure if I do one day decide there’s nothing holding me back, well, you won’t be too traumatised. You were only fooling yourself and me when you said you cared. You think it’s just great to wander around and cheat on guys. You think it’s grand to fuck them and blow them and then leave them. Well great, aren’t you proud. You’re a fucking whore. A goddamn glorified whore. One day you’ll realise that. When you do, don’t come crawling to me for sympathy, I’ll laugh and spit in your face. I don’t care anymore. So I’ll go, I’ll cut again and I’ll stare at the bottles again and wish I was dead, and it will be because you didn’t help. When I finally do it, know that it will be because I asked you for help, and you never answered. Fuck you, whore.

(no subject)

As most of these vague letters start, Dear you,

I hate the fact that you're blaming me for all this. I mean even I, complete fucking horrible bitch, have the decency to accept blame. I do blame you, but I blame myself too. And of course, fate. Maybe it wasn't our fault, our love crossed paths. You just happened to love him the whole time I was with him and to tell you the truth, I've never been jealous of you guys: seeing you together or just IMAGINING or thinking of it, makes me sick. Because I just dislike both of you so much.

You're being so self-righteous. Going on and on 'she hates me, she hates me' BOO FUCKING HOO! I do not hate you, actually. And I don't go around trying to get sympathy saying oh boo hoo the girl I loved hates me. No I keep it to myself. Maybe you don't hate me, but you don't like me. And I don't tell anyone that it upsets me. Stop placing all the fucking blame on me! I admit, it isn't your fault you love him. Then can YOU admit it wasn't MY fault? Jesus!

You seem to forget, I TRIED to make it work. Don't you remember the emails I sent you, saying I missed you and apologising? Apologising for things I didn't do, by the way, I was just willing to lie about it to make you happy. And you call that hate? You ignorant bitch.

I had a dream last night that I punched him in the face, and it made me sooo happy. Then you leaped to his defence and attacked me. I know you'd actually do that to me, who you used to say you loved the most. I can't believe you.


(no subject)

Hey you.
Why can't you ever accept or support anything that I do? You're supposed to be there for me but you never seem to care about anything I have to say. I don't know what you want me to do for you. To get what you seem to want, you have to change your attitude. No one else can do this one for you. We tried.
</3 Dear you, I wish I could tell you things. I wish I could tell you things that I've done and not have to lie to you all the time. It would be so much easier if I didn't think you would get mad at me. There are so many things that I wish I could tell you, but I know that I can't. I don't expect you to say it's okay, just that you understand. <3 Finally. To you. I don't know if you're trying to get back at me, I don't know what you know, I don't know much at all. Because you don't tell me anything. But I wish you did.. and I wish I understood. I wish I knew exactly what you want from me. </3