December 8th, 2004

things you should kno...

my everything,

i loved you so much and if u can move on this fast then u obviously didnt care! u treated me like shit and i kno this now, and u continue to make me feel like shit! i hope you kno that yuo hurt me more than ne one ever has!

(no subject)

Dear Nicole,

I'm so happy I got to see you today. You look more beautiful than ever, really. You do. I'm sorry about the break-up letter, I truly didn't mean it. I don't know what I've been feeling. I guess everything I hear is all hearsay, and what they say isn't true. I'm glad you're not going to pick up cocaine any time soon. I'm proud of you. But if you did I would never talk to you again. I couldn't be with you. I'm sorry. Words between us would never be exchanged again. I had a dream last night and I snorted a line and it tasted like candy. Sorry I don't know. But yeah I love you and happy three months today... <3

See you in a year.

So why should I take your hand when you can't promise happy endings?

"I just found a friend in one of your lies,
to treat me so nice...
i cant believe my bones when they say so many things
they tell me i am fine, well believe me i try... i try."

Kinda makes me think of you. &myself. &my situation.
Well.. hmm.  I dont exactly know what to do with myself.
Its likea four way intersection, &any road i take might just be the wrong one.

But i mean... im taking a chance.
A big fat one. Who knows where the hell it will take me...
but i'll always end up learning from it.
Ive never really been a risk taker.

This saturday, or whatever..could be the test. For every little thing ive ever felt for you.
I dont know.. but lately, i have been noticing.. the longer ive been waiting..
the more i lose interest. &that will suck for you when you finally realize..

what youve been missing.

&if you dont notice it any time soon...
i'll probably be gone before you knew i was there.

I could of been the best thing thats ever happened to you,
that probably never even crossed your mind, has it?

Thats all i want to know.
Cause all this guessing  &trying to figure you out..
is even wearing me out.

008: your always tempted by me

Well.. maybe so, but that still dosent mean that you have me all figured out like you think you do.
Or am i really all that clear?

You say all promises are meant to be broken..
well not mine.
Causeee Im your motherfucking DESTINY.
You know you cant get out of this one this time.

Thanksforpopingintomyhead everytime i hear a something corporate song.

80: exactly.. & as much as the gfs help.. you still need a guy. we just do.
80: & I keep feeding myself these bullshit excuses that help me sleep

Jessika Ogans.. i love you, my mother fucking soul mate forever.
Dont ever forget it. Kay? Kay.

Im really not accepting all this change...

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    "always you"-amber pacific

(no subject)

Dear you.

It feels like forever since Ive talked to you, but its only been one night. Thats the thing I cant stand. It used to be talking to you every single day, seeing you every single day, loving you every single day. Then things had to get ruined. As they always do. Theres so many things ive been meaning to tell you about my new life without you. Ive been going to the counselor at school alot. Im having a real hard time dealing with everything. My grades were doing good in the beginning of this year, but now they are falling just as fast as they ever did. Im feeling more insecure then I ever have. Every time I hear someone laugh, I turn quickly and check myself to make sure im not the laughing stock of the school. The world seems so dangerous. I used to have the security of your arms sheilding me from the wrath of the world, but now I have to fight it alone. Im so scared of losing you, even though I know I already have. "We'll never make another memory". Lyrics from the song "A Year From Now" by Across Five Aprils replays in my head endlessly. I swear that I need you. Theres 1,125.8 miles dividing us. 1,125.8 reasons for me to hate life even more. We only had a short 5 months and 1 day to hold eachother. Im sorry I seemed to take it for granted. You know that If I could I would have been with you the whole time. I couldnt help that I wasnt allowed. Man, knowing now, what was at stake, I would have disobeyed my parents every time and told you to come pick me up anyway. Also, all the many times at the end and even during our phone conversations you would say "I love you". Im sorry I never said it back in the right way. I know I mumbled it. I was afraid of someone hearing. I love you more than anything. I would have screamed on the top of my lungs those 3 special words, but its too late now. You seem to have given up on the whole thing. And you have great reason. I never put any effort into what we should have had. I just want you to know, that I regret not doing everything I could to make this work.

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    Amber Pacific//'LettersOfRegret'

this is easy as lovers go

see. we keep making these stupid little promises to stop going in circles and to stop fighting about the same things over and over again. im getting so tired of it. i feel like giving up. i want to give up. of course you find some stupid way to ease me with your words... but next time it wont be like that. your not going to get away with this. i cant keep living in some stupid fantasy world and tell myself that i am happy when im miserably in love with you. i cant do it anymore.

im not o fucking kay.

i was doing so good.
i went so long without breaking down, again.
but oh well. it was bound to happen sometime..

i think, i have a problem. well, many a problems.
some consisting of the same old boring annoying guy problems..
some consisting of something a little more seroius.
but it's all my fault.
every single one of them.

so heres letters to everyone that's involved in or has cause one of my problems.

first off;

what's this i hear about you would go back out with me, but first i need to find out who i am? im sorry, but i think that's just another one of your tiredass lame excuses for ignoring me, like "oh, i don't have enough time" because you know there is no real reason. i may not completely know who i am, but then again, what other fourteen year old girl does? i know who i am just enough. you don't need to know who i think i am. that's none of your goddamn bussiness. my smokeing has absolutly nothing to do with trying to look cool, or trying to impress anybody or come off as a hardass. if i wanted to do that, i'd be like "HEY EVERYBODY!! I SMOKE!! IM SO COOL!" or something along those lines. i try to hide it though, somewhat, becuase most of the people that know i do, don't like it, and make fun of me or think it's gross. so, your little stupidass theory is more fucked up than you. i don't get it. you get have a problem with it if i dont say "hi" to you or look at the ground when you come near, but it's perfectly alright for you to ignore me for weeks and then say you don't have enough time to say "hi" or wave. i just..idk, i don't get what i did to make you want to be as far away from me as possible. today you went out of your way to not walk by me..idk i don't get it..
i don't get you.
GOD i fucking hate you.
except for, the only problem with that, is i really don't..
i just want to.
but for somereason, the more you do that i don't like, the more i actually like you. the more you to that i normally couldn't stand somebody for, the more i can't stand not being able to talk to you. the more i can't stand not being able to hold you. the more i can't stand this...
i know who i am? please...? i'll tell you what i think if you'll listen..if you want to hear what i have to say..i'll say it.
i just want a second chance..
i didn't do anything to deserve this.
i never ever did anything to you.

secondly, i have a letter to anybody who's actually reading this.
i need advice, and lots of it.
please, don't critize or anything, becuase im putting my heart and mind out in the open here, and i'd appriciate it if you kept your thought (unless they might be helpfull) to yourself.

lately, i've..i don't know. i've been so wierd.
my mom thinks im depressed, or theres something wrong with my hormones or something.
i don't know. maybe im just imagining things and trying to create a bad situation for myself.
i always do that.
i think theres something wrong with my mind that goes "holyshit you're actually happy. do something to fuck that up! somethings wrong! somethings wrong! fuck up! fuck up!"
becuase that's what i do.
i had the best boyfriend. good relationship. nothing wrong with it. we didn't talk as much as i would have liked, but that was going to change in a few days. and what did i do? i broke up with him.
everytime stuff's going good with my parents i do something stupid to screw it up.
i just..god i fuck up all over the goddamn place.
it's like i wont allow myself to be happy.

and then, i blame the world for it.
but i know it's all my fault.
everything's always all my fault.

and i know, that my life isn't bad.
i don't have much to be upset about.
i don't know.
i don't fucking knwo.
what the hell is wrong with me???

i don't know, maybe it's just part of being my age and starting highschool.
i don't know. it's all waaaay to fucking much for me.
im not smart enough for this.
im not strong enough for this.

i need out.

there's something wrong with me..
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