December 5th, 2004

(no subject)

To *****
Why did you have to do this me? What made you want to do this to me? What did i ever do to deserve that? You knew i wouldn't be able to defend myself against you. I was too young and you just took advantage of me. You screwed me up. All these horrible things i do to myself and think about myself is because of you. I hate you and i will go on hating you in the afterlife. I hope that wherever you are, you are burning in hell.
the girl who you screwed up

December 5th,

I wish I would have never told you how I felt. 'Cause now I can't look at your picture, or hear your name without my stomach flipping. I hate this. How did this happen? No.. WHEN did this happen? When did you become the only one that i'm ever able to feel for? Why do your hugs, your smiles, your "hellos" make my days? Why are you the only thing that I have to look forward to anymore? I hate this. I hate what i've become. I FUCKING HATE KNOWNING THAT YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. I mean, what does she have that I don't have? TELL ME WHAT IT IS, whatever it is, i'll work on. I wish you would see.. i'de do fucking anything to be with you. I hate knowning that latley the only happiness I get is from a fucking cigarette.. which I either have to smoke out of my window or wait until my mom leaves. Oh, yeahhh & that. I FUCKING HATE THE FACT THAT I SMOKE. I didn't even realize that I was adicted, until my days instantly would turn into horse shit if I wouldn't have one in the morning. This is killing me. I hate that know i'm gonna have to pretend to be strong around you. & I know that around everyone else I fall apart. Now I understand why no one wants me. I mean, I don't do anything right. & I never feel good about anything. & it doesn't even matter how I feel, or how I act. All that seems to matter anymore is how I look. "yeah she's hott, i'de fuck her." THAT'S NOT A MOTHER FUCKING COMPLIMENT. GOddddd I hate boys. I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM. Today, when I hung out w/ my girls.. that's what I needed. That's what I love. But still sometimes, I feel like I don't even belong with them. Like i'm not good enough or I feel a certain disclouded feeling. & I DON'T GET WHY. I don't really get any of this. I can't ever seem to be happy for anyone. I just feel like the whole world is out to get me. That no one honestly cares, & the people who I KNOW care, I don't seem to care about. I feel like the people that I should care about I don't even eknowledge (sp?) You know, I wish I could go back. Back to the begigning. back to where people didn't judge me & I was the exception to the "faggot freshmen" thing. But now, i'm just another one. I wish I would have never hooked up with adam. GODD. I should have known, I mean.. he was "all I wanted". but then when I got him.. he wasn't that at all what I thought he was. Now I know that **sunshine** IISS all I want, I can't have him. "I'de deff go out w/ you if I didn't have a girlfriend" IF I DIDN'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. IF. DIDN'T. GIRLFRIEND. girlfriend. GIRLFRIENDGIRLFRIENDGIRLFRIEND. godd I just need to get that through my head.. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND? ugghhhhhhhh . well, I mean, I guess there's always tomarrow? uggh

(no subject)

Dear mom,
Just wait, when I turn 16 I'll never shadow your doorstep again! You can't make me then! You think you love me so much? You never want to spend any time with me! You always want me to babysit or clean or do something that you're too lazy to do! I hate you!

Dear Daniel,
I had so much fun last night, I just wish you could have spent the night, that would have been awesome, we would have been asleep the second I got back into my room lol. But maybe someday, we'll get to spend the night in each other's arms. I love you so much.

Dear Michael,
You are such a fucking lier & I hate you. When you find out I was the most faithful girlfriend you'll ever have, you'll be sorry, you foul, you, you idiot!! God I hope you die a slow horrible death, it would be such a sweet revenge for me.

  • Current Music
    The Princess Bride movie

(no subject)

Dear Life....

why am i here? what happened? what did i do wrong? no dont answer that last one because i know most of what i did wrong....but where am i to go from here? i know where ive been and i know where i am now.but what is in store? if i ask my tarot cards, will they tell me? or will i have to decifer a message so mystic that i will give up, like i have many i deserve what you have put me through? i dont think i do but i do believe in karma. is there something i need to do? is there some big step i need to take to fix everything. you wretched bastard, you have wrung me dry. you have shaken me, beaten me, pushed me brutally to ground time and time again. and yet i still struggle to make my though, to get on top. to beat you. to be happy, truely happy for once. will i ever make it? will you ever leave me one little hint of help? have taken from me, my dearest friends. death by drugs, a new life, another friend...different ways you have taken them away. you send me a new one each time...another one...someone who i come to love, care for. someone who becomes dear to my heart...only to take them away. do you understand? they are a huge part of why i can get back up after you beat me everytime! they help me and in return i try so hard to help them! but you decide that im not enough and take them away! i hate you for it! i hate you for the shit you put me through. and yet im still what does that say about me?
  • Current Music
    "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden

You can have my heart as fractured as it is... as long as we dont have to say goodbye.

Well... you,
Yes you.

Its been a while since ive written you one of my letters..
dont tell me you dont miss them.
Dont tell me you dont miss me, or our late night conversations.?

What if i fessed up, &told you i missed them more?

Or what if i told you, to your face... that i just cant seem to get my mind off of you.

Or i randomly kissed you again.. like at homecomming.
You never really told me what you thought about that,
cause you know.. i am curious.

Im sorry i act so stupid around you,
or just start rambleing whenever i talk to you..
im really bad at conversation arent i?

Could you do me a favor?
Just.. fall in love with me. Like me,iono-- anything.
Or at least sing to me again.
I miss that more than anything.

Did you know your one of the couple guys ive ever ever sung to?
It took the first guy about a year to convince me to sing to him...

.. it took you about 5minutes.

I hate what you've done to me.
I hate how you never write me back.
I hate these letters that spill my heart out.. that never reach your eyes.


Why do you like her? Can you please tell me that.
Just so i know why it isnt me who could have your heart.

You &that mother fucking curly hair of yours.
Ohmygod. Im done.

  • Current Music
    "Exsistentialism on a prom night"-straylight run

(no subject)

Dear C***,
Last year you meant everything to me, but soon you turned away from me. You called me up to tell me you never had any feelings for me. That hurt more than anything. I tried to get over you. I found Mike and as soon as you found out I had someone knew you had to tell me you wish we had never broken up. I gave up on a good guy for you. But again, you pushed me aside and went after my best friend. MY BEST FRIEND! You tried to hide it from me, but you think I'm that stupid? You think I didn't see the messages you left her? I'm not blind and I'm not stupid. But then again you came back to me. That night this summer up at Jon's was one of my favorite nights. I thought finally you had changed. You told me you wanted to be with me. But then you ignored me the rest of the summer. I thought I did something wrong. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me. I eventually moved on. But now you're telling me you love me? It's not going to work this time babe. Six months ago I would have given anything to be with. Six months ago I would have taken you back. How do you expect me to trust you again? I still care about you, but I'm done with your game.

(no subject)

dear jamison,
where is my mind? why are you doing this to me? how could i let this happen? why am i letting you make me feel like shit? i miss you. i want to talk to you but im afraid that you dont feel teh same. and im worried that ive alrady lost you. im prolly over reacting but i need to know that its real. i need to know that our conversation last night was real.

i feel like shit because i woke you up this morning and that i texted your cell phone all day. i think im getting ahead of my self and the situation and i need to stop. i think that i should leave you alone for a while. you said you missed me but i think that might of been bullshit.

maybe i should just forget about you? i think i should.

  • Current Mood
    sad sad

newbie.. pathetic letter attempt.

dear mike, and ian too,

how are you guys? i feel bad for not calling or writing, but you know how bad i am with correspondence. i guess i miss you guys too much to really feel comfortable justifying the fact that i'm gone by writing a letter, acting like i live millions of miles away when really i live just two doors down. i live near you guys in ireland, i don't live in america. i'm the freak, remember? you and me, mike, we're the odd ones out! i'm not typical, i'm weird, just like you. and we still live so close, and i'm still twelve and you're still in primary school. remember then? remember after school, jeopardizing our grades just to walk down the street, stand on the bench and wave obnoxiously at passing cars. and swear at the people who didn't wave back. which was most of them. i know you wouldn't, but i'd give anything to have those times back, to just be a stupid little kid again, not worrying myself like i do or being lonely for no reason. i don't know. things'll never be what they were, will they? that's a shame. even if i live there, even if i move to your school, things just won't be the same. oh well. at least we freaked a few people out, and at least we still know each others' names.

i wear the earrings always, you know that.