December 4th, 2004

Im afraid to know the answer

Dear Jordan,
You promised me you would never leave like my Dad always did in my life, and what happend? You left, Just as if you never made a promise to me. And it hurts. Especially after my Best Friend Chris ditched me for his girlfriend. And you KNEW I was killing from that. I cant believe you left like that.
Just please dont come back.
As much as I would love to see you, I can't.
I dont want to have to look you in the eye and say GoodBye.
Gosh, this is killing me just to type about it.

Good luck.

Dear Self,
Get over him, your killing yourself, and everything else around you.

Dear Chris,
Screw you.
I've never been hurt like this, and comming from you makes it ten times worse.

  • Current Music
    Existentilism on prom night.

wasting words on lowercases and capitals.

Dear Ryan,

I hate the way you act sometimes.

Like when i ask you not to talk to kaitlin and you're like "yeah I'm gonna tell that bitch off i hate her" then when she wants to talk you just say "I don't want to talk" then you end up talking to her after i leave anyways.

I hate the way when your family says shit to me i can never say anything back because im not allowed to start shit. But THEY are.

I gave up everything for you. Before you and I were together i was out ever single day and i had lots of people that were there for me. Now I'm only out when you come home and when you don't I just sit at home all night long. I know this isn't all your fault but im just saying that i gave up most of my friends to be with you and you still can't even give up your ex-girlfriend.
it hurts... it really does.

  • Current Music
    the killers - smile like you mean it

(no subject)

my 2 closest friends

im so glad im friends with you guys. i cant believe we just became good friends this year. i love both you guys dearly. you both treat me better than i deserve and make me feel like millions
LIZ~ darling i love you. you have been a great great great friend to me. better than, i think, i have been to you.i wish i could make everything better. i wish i could make noah behave. wish i could give you more advice on your life. wish we could actually hang out somewhere other than school...we've shared alot of great times together. alot of little jokes and many laughs. you dont even know how thankful i am to have someone like you there to talk with. and someone who is a deep thinker (like myself), someone who is philisophical sometimes and can speak in metaphors without wondering if they are sounding stupid! haha..dear thank you so much for everything
RORY~ babe, you are so dear to me. i love you so much. honestly. and i mean it. i know its not the same as ashley. but its me. so what can you do? you dont know what a help youve been to me. you always make me laugh no matter what mood im in! all your crazy lil jokes about me, you, friends and just life are hysterical and they always make me feel better. and your taste is music kicks ass! you are so sweet to me even tho sometimes im such an idiot. i cant thank you enough
BOTH OF YOU! you guys both taught me a few things..yes i actually learned something. you guys taught me that there are a few ppl left in this place that i can trust. if you ever thought i didnt trust you. i so sorry. i trust you guys more than anyone. you guys also (oh so bluntly) told me that i didnt open i doin better now? i hope so becuz i dont want you guys to feel like your not my friends and that i dont trust you.i love you guys both.

you leave at the worst times.

you hurt me too much. thats all there is to it. i mean, we've hrut eachother before, but we alwyas fixed it. This time, you went too far, as far as you could go, and i hope she was worth it. You know what this is all about, and we both know you can't change it, so i guess you were right in blowing me off when i brought it up. It won't change anything.

i hate it when you say everything in the past tense. "oh i loved you so much" "i revovled my day around you" yeah, i dont expect you to now, i just hate hearing that you DID, because it just emphasizes that you don't anymore. i just hurt too fucking much this time. and im sorry. but im not getting over it, especially when i ask to talk to you and you dont care enough to try to make it feel better. you just don't want to justify yourself. it's not what i wanted to know, its justthat i wanted to know you cared enough to say it, i guess. i don't really know what i was going for there. sorry for bringing it up at all.

i won't get over what has happened. we havent even begun to talk about the summer yet.

I guess I just wanted to hear you tell me everything will be ok.
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(no subject)

Dear Carolyn,

You talked Andy into doing whatever you wanted. Because you know the way he is. He can be talked into anything. Thats just his weakness. Alls you have to do is say a few things about me and you have him. Thats not fair for me. You bring me up all the time so you can remind him of how much I suck and how Im such a horrible girlfriend. Well, it works bitch.

Just tell him I cheated on him and how much I dont love him..and in reality, you have no idea.

Then, he thinks it over and gets mad at me.

So let me go over this, you say Im so horrible but you cant be that much better? I mean, I kissed a guy. But you did stuff with a guy that has a girlfriend. How are you ANY better than me at all? To me, that seems that we are the same then. So dont say how horrible I am..if you turn around and act the same way.

And I know andy was wrong too..but Im just more sad than anything. shfgjhbetrfdhrs

I hate you.



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