I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
[Most Recent Entries]
Monday, November 22nd, 2004
You are having some problems with Samantha right now. And these are the times I wish most to talk to you. It'll take me awhile to find exactly what I want to say. But Im gonna write you again.
Your number one Fan.
hah. :( :'( Current Mood: restless
|..&i want everything back, including my heart.
I dont think i need to be the one writing the letter to you, "Mr. Q"...
I think you need to be the one writing an apology, to my fucking heart.
You have broken it one too many times,
you looked straight into my eyes with that fake stare,
you whispered in my ear with those false hopes.
All the letters i wrote you..&i still got no reply back.
How can you really do this to someone?..
How can you fucking lead me on, like you did.
I wasted my time, with every little fucking thing i did for you.
You dont deserve shit, you dont deserve those letters, poems, our nice "cuddling sessions".
How much i liked you.. how you knew i would do almost anything for you.
Come to think of it... you were using me, werent you?
You just loved the attention.. thinking whenever you wanted something, just snap your fingers and i would right at your feet. Thats what you thought, isnt it asshole?!
I hated when people would ask,
"omg how are you and Tom doing.."
Just cause i knew, there was nothing between us, and there never was going to be.
... no matter how bad i wanted it.
Current Mood: crappy
Dont look at me while your hugging her,
Dont tell Jessika you like me, or that "your going to ask me out"
stop being such a fucking liar and asshole.
You dont deserve shit... you dont deserve me.
And what hurts the most is... knowingyounevercared.
&i absolutely hate it..
cause you know, tommorow is a whole new day..
who knows ? Maybe you'll be a sweetheart to me that day.. lead me on some more.
&i'll end up forgetting everything i said in this letter...
you fucking see right through me.
You knock me out by weakening me in the knees.
Fuck you Thomas Quinn.
Throw away my letters, my picture, any memory you ever had of me.
I dont want you to do this to me anymore...
Why did you have to break my heart?..
It really didnt have to happen like this.
|..give me something to smile about.
Im back again. Like I said I would be. But this isnt the long, detailed letter Im writing you. This is just to tell you that I wish one day I would come and see that you had written me a letter. Too bad that wouldnt even happen in my dreams. But I just wanted you to know..I wish it could happen.
Brelan </3 Current Mood: let down
Does it make sence that I'm afraid of becomming you again? I'm never truly happy and here is a chance to fill that void with the lust I'm longing for. I'm scared of you once again taking over my life. You know, they all talked about you. Whenever you left they would whipser about who you were with last night. You finally escaped from that and started over again. So what if you long for things? Everyone does. I can't become you again, but I want to so badly. It's so much more thrilling to not care what happens in the future.
|No more happy birthdays...
What happened to being one of my best friends? I didn't expect much, you didn't have to get me a gift or card or anything
. All I wanted was that you would say happy birthday, at least acknowledge that it was my birthday. But you didn't do or say anything
. Sure this may seem like bitching and whining, but I don't think it's fair, that being one of my "closet" friends you couldn't even say happy birthday. I got a lot of people who at least said happy birthday to me and they aren't even as close as we are, and that hurts. Especially since I did a lot for your birthday, buying you a cake and balloon because you weren't having a party, and buying you lots of gifts, and you couldn't say just those two words to me. And I know
that you knew it was my birthday. Maybe I'm being self-centered and bitchy, but it does hurt because I always saw you like a sister to me.
You hurt me too. On my birthday on Saturday, I woke up and you weren't there. You didn't come home till late, and you never called. When you did finally come home, I was lying in bed and you still
didn't come up to say happy birthday. I'm also sick of having dad pretend that you care. For every present I get for any holiday, he
writes in your
signiture to make it look like you actually bought me something and that you care, when I know for sure that you never bought me anything. And maybe I'm being greedy, but I at least expect a happy birthday or a card from my own parent. You know what really hurts though? I stayed home instead of going out to a concert with my friends because I waited for you
. You said that we should go out for a family dinner, so I stayed home. Then when we went out to eat I expected you to meet us there after finishing with work, but you didn't. Instead you blew me off again (after we were already sitting in the restaurant) and called in to say you couldn't make it cause you were still working on a customers hair. THAT hurt
. It was MY birthday and I waited for YOU to come for once, and I thought that this time you would because it was my birthday, but you didn't. Apparently your customers are more important than your only child, and I should have known this by now. Why don't you care?
~ </3 Your Daughter Current Mood: indescribable
It's another year Stephanie. When do you think I'll see you again? Don't you know I miss you? I haven't seen you in years.
I've changed a lot you know. I'm not as gullible and tiny and childish. I mean.. I had a reason to be a child; I was one. But you always wanted me to be the mature one. After you, of course. And here I am now Steph.
But you're not here. It's been years.. and I do miss you. As much as I don't want to admit it.
You've always been so horrible to us. So sassy and conceited; and I said I hated you. I thought I meant it, but now? After so many years apart? Stephanie; you're family. When am I going to see my little baby cousin?
They tell me you were embarassed. Uncle Sam and everyone. Because you'd always told me not to until after I'm married, and yet you did. But even though they don't approve Steph, I don't care. I want to see him. I bet he's beautiful.
You've always been so beautiful Stephanie. It's just been hidden underneath fakeness and lies.
Did you know you were once my role model?
It's Thanksgiving. And I want my family together.
My whole family.
Your little cousin Current Mood: pensive
im writing to you. just to ask you how you feel. and how we fell apart, and how this fell apart. are you happy out there in this great wide world? do you think about your sons? do you miss your little girl? when you lay your head down, how do you sleep at night? do you even wonder if we're all right?
did i grow up according to plan? do you think im wasting my time doing things i want to do. did u know that its hurts when you disapprove all along. i try hard to make it, i just want to make you proud. but im never going to be good enough for you. i cant keep on pretending that im alright.
its been a long hard road without you by my side. why weren't you there all the nights that i cried? you broke my mother's heart. you broke your children for life. its not ok, and i am not all right. i remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes. but now those are just a long lost memory of mine. did you know that you were my hero? all those days i spent with you. now seem so far away. it seems like you dont care anymore.
i remember waiting for you to call. i remember waiting for you to come. i remember waiting there to find nothing at all. nothing is going to make this right again, but just don't turn your back, i can't believe its hard just to talk to you, but you wouldn't understand.
we lost it all. nothing lasts forever. im sorry dad, but i can't be perfect. im sorry dad, for not growing up the way you wanted me to. im sorry dad, that you had to move 1 hr away, and now i have to chose between hanging out with friends, and going to your house. im sorry dad, that you haven't realized yet that im not going to be around much longer. im sorry dad, that you have to go and get yourself drunk each night, just so you can be happy. i'm sorry dad, that our family wasnt good enough for you. im sorry dad, that you have to lie to me, and make up a lame excuse as to why you wont be at the last football game i'll ever march in... i just hope you realize, that i dont expect you to make it to my graduation.. your new family and work is just to important to you...
you oldest daughter..
the one you made a promise to, that nothing would change when you and mom got divorced, and that you would still be there for me. the one who would wake up at the crack of down , climb out of my crib, and sleep by my door just to follow you downstairs, so i could give you a hug and a kiss goodbye before you went to work. im sorry you wont be there on thursday.. the tears i cry, will partly be because you are not there....
It's so wierd. For the past week I've been pretending that you don't exist, when I know you do and it hurts me on the inside so much that I would rather scratch my eyes out than keep on feeling the stabbing pain of missing someone dearly.
Just thought you should know that.
Baby i miss you so much. its been 3 long and painful years and i still cant belive that your gone. this is so random. sometimes i just want to kill myself so we can chill together again.
i'll admit that sometimes i hate you. i hate you for leaving me. i hate you for getting addicted. i hate you for dying.
but i love you. and you know that. god i hope you know that. i hope that your watching over me now just like you did when you were still around
i hope you approve of some of things ive done. i hope you dont know some of the other things ive done. if i had one wish right now, it would be to bring you back to me even if it was just for one day.
dont get me wrong, i have alot of good friends. some that are even as good as you were to me.....but no one can replace you. there is still an empty spot in my heart where your friendship was. i miss you so much. i love you
Love, your babydoll