a letter to my best friend. who left without saying goodbye.
Wow. Didn’t think id be talking to you anytime soon.
It was nice that you sent Sam a letter to let us know that you still remember us. Being remembered is a good feeling.
The day I found out you left was a hard day for me. And sam too. When she told me I didn’t cry. I didn’t scream. I didn’t really do anything except stay on the phone with sam untill 1 am or so. And then I stayed up later and just looked over old 7th grade notes from you.
Sam wasn’t taking it so well. She didn’t take you leaving us well at all. And I’m angry at you for it. You really hurt Sam. You really hurt me too. You had always told us that you would be there. And then you leave…its even worse you didn’t say goodbye. You could have at least called us when you got to wherever you were going to let us know you still loved us or something.
So just to tell you first off I’m really mad at you.
So mad sometimes that I’ve screamed out that I hated you. Cause it felt like I did.
But I miss you.
I miss you so much. I still have a picture of you and even though it kills me somedays to look at it, I still keep it up for everyone to see. I still have every single one of your notes and I just look at them whenever I miss you.
I’ve also moved on.
You’re still a part of me Save, but I have more close friends now. I still have Bennett…I’ll have him forever lol. I have Kati Kopp and Alex Munson. I have a lot of Northwood friends. I have Rachel of course. And Brandy. And Sam and Nikki. I have the best group of friends. I still call you my friend…but I can’t hold on to someone who isn’t here you know?
I love you Save. I always will. But you’ve hurt me so bad. You’ve hurt Sam so bad. I just hope I’ll forgive you someday, because I want to forgive you.
I’m not doing anything bad. I haven’t thought about cutting or anything for a really long time. One night when I did think about it I was talking to Bennett and he started telling me I was smarter than I used to be, I was better than I used to be. And that he loves me so much that if I whenever I even think about doing that stuff it hurts him. And I don’t want to hurt him. Or anyone.
So I’ve stopped that nonsence…
Apparently you havent. Whyd you do it again Save? You were the one who was always helping me through that shit. Take your own dose of advice.
I’ve written more poetry than ever. Turns out Alex Munson is so good at writing. One day over the summer we started trading poetry. Now we have our own notebook full of our stuff. We just trade it back and forth and write in it whenever we are mad or sad or something.
I’ve changed a lot. If you came to see me right now, I think you would find me different. I don’t know if I’ve changed for the better or for the worst but I’m definatly not the same the girl I was in 7th grade.
Sam tells me you care about us. But you disappointed me when you left. And I have yet to be happy that you’re talking to us again.
I just beg of you don’t let Sam down again. I care so much about her.
And I’m scared. That you and I will become close again. And then you’ll leave.
Don’t you remember that was my fear…to have someone I love to just leave?
You proved to me again that it can happen.
You said you wouldn’t leave Save. And then you just did. With no goodbye or no phone call to tell us where you were?
Who does that? Don’t expct me to call you my best friend all over again because you sent Sam a letter.
Was everything else you said false too? All the I love you’s and the I miss you’s, were all those just fakes.
I stayed up many nights just wondering if you thought of me as much as I thought of you. I thought of you constantly. Like where you were. If you missed Sam or me. If you were being fucked by some guy or were you smoking. If you had forgotten us already and replaced us with new friends who would probably never love you as much as I had. Or as much as Sam had.
I spent a lot of days crying. Days when I would feel so hated or be in something so terrible that I had to wonder what you would do about it. Or if you would be there saying it’s alright. I would hold your notes near the fire but they would never burn. I would put the blade to your picture but it would never tear.
I would have nightmares about you. Of you being there but then just fading. It scared me and it hurt me. I would look to the ground and see Sam crying on the floor.
You hurt me. You let me down.
But I want to thank you for making me stronger. I’m not as vuneralble and I’m much wiser. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, but I can still become stronger. I feel so much better than you because I’m confronting with you, I’m telling you what I feel. That’s what you always wanted right, honesty? Be open with our feelings right. Well that’s what I’m being.
I’ve changed so much.
I used to wonder…what I would say to you if I ever got the chance to talk to you again. I thought that I wouldn’t know what to say to someone who left you.
And I’ve been putting off this letter for awhile, because I thought I would have trouble telling you how I felt.
But it turns out I had no trouble whatsoever. I know now exactly what I want to say to you.
I’m not saying prove to me you care still. I’m not tell you to do anything. You don’t even have to write me back, because you might not like this letter, you might not like what I’ve said. For all I know you could be burning this letter before you even reach this paragraph. But that’s not you, as I remember. And I remember you well Save.
I’m just saying if you’re ever going to tell someone – me, sam, anyone – that you’ll always be there. That you love them.
Actually mean it when you say it.
Please, just do that for me.
I love you Savannah Lee.