November 17th, 2004


fucking new ;;

the doctor told me i was depressed and my mother denies it like theres nothing wrong with me. people can see it. i can see it. everyone see's that there is something wrong with me, and yet my mother doesnt. shes a fucking liar. i finally realized that me and my dad are like best friends now ever since i lost my real best friend and i moved out of his house. we never got along before when i lived with him, but now when i go there..i can tell him almost anything. and again im depressed..what does this mean. other than crying almost out of no where and thinking all negative things, i cant see how im depressed.......i just wish someone would put my mother out of her own misery..when shes drunk and flails her arms in the air and cries and yells at me, i just wish there was an end. and she's like a big, heavy block of lead, just lying on my chest...its hard to breathe...she gives me agony and pain. If someone knew...&&&&i have a boyfriend that really loves me, but i've cheated on him. fuck me in the ass because im a screwed up heartless bitch... i do love my boyfriend and have for the past few months....but i miss some other people. Well i really miss other people. i miss JR. he was one of those guys that you couldnt have because he was one of your close friends brothers and he was a few years older than you...but yet you insist on having a peice of it....i cant say i loved him, but i cared a real lot about him.

Anyways....i cut my own hair. and for once i actually look good..because it was something i fucking did. now i dont have to worry about those damn bitches in school saying "oh my gawds you like totally didnt straighten your hairs today, like oh no'z" ... im never good enough for anyone...and ill never be...just because of my fucking last name and the bunch of relatives that fuck it up for themselves... people look down on me... well fuck you all. dont doubt me, i can be a super rad person. i have a good personality.....but if you dont want to believe that, than fuck off....

i did my first bitching entry. so yeah..until next time.
--<3 amanda
  • Current Music
    punchline <3
i&#39;m not...


all the time you look at them
i tried to ignore it
and all you spoke of love for me
i can't bear to believe
they say your not worth it
no one could make me this worthless
no one could force me to the ground just by lack of words
you never saw the tears that spawned
out of want for you
and what keeps me awake at night is that you knew
you felt me tear away from you
and still you held on
your love is meaningless
you have nothing for me
your embrace is safe, but painful
i still want you to ask for me
i want you to yearn for me
your kisses are empty, i know thier empty
your eyes are cold, and all i wanted was you
all i'll ever need is all you are
i wish you would see my feelings for you
  • Current Music
    the toadies-quitter
&amp;hearts; __i sew myself shut

(no subject)

Thanks for acting like you cared and telling me what I needed to hear; I'll love you for that forever...even if it all was just a huge lie all along.


  • Current Music
    good charlotte + on the mountain