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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope
 
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Sunday, November 14th, 2004

Time Event
12:17a
dear dean my ol buddy my ol pal,
i just thought a little time would make this easier. if that were true i wouldn't be sitting here cryng. these past two weeks have felt like two years. deanie buddy i just don't know what to do. i'm so confused and hurt and jumpled up inside, this just keeps getting harder and harder why the fuck is that. it's not only this its everything. nothing is right with the world lately. i don't understand it. oh well. oh fucking well. i hope your night is going wonderfully because you know what you deserve it to. goodnight deanie. thanks for giving me hope in this fucking world.
mickie

Current Mood: completely empty
1 ||x
12:25a
i wasnt made for this scene baby
but i was made in this scene
and baby, its just my way
dont wanna go home alone
i wanna come on home to you
x
12:42a
Dear Chris,
I'm so glad things with us are fixed. I love you SO much.
I'm so happy you called me tonight :) That was exciting like woah.
I'm so.. I feel so great that you don't care about what anyone else says. "We're together, and that's all that really matters. Anyone else who says something negatively about us; screw them."
Not only are you attractive; your mind blows mine.
I love you Chris. I really do.
With Love always,
Your Kari <3

Current Mood: loved
x
11:12a
Dad,

I write these letters to you. Notebooks full of emotion. Maby if you come back I can show you them. I know you won't. I know why you left to. We weren't enough were we? I had straight A's you know. Then you left and I had to get a job. I had to get a fucking job at 15 years old. I pay for the internet bill, alot of the food.Zac will have to work soon to. Hes not 15. Daddy why weren't we enough?

Autumn
x
6:02p
so here's my heart, do whatever the fuck you want with it...
dear s,
i hate what you did to me but i still want us to be together. i know you just want a root, i know you're just living up life not having to go to school anymore and i dont mind that but why did you have to get me messed up in all of it? why did you make me fall for you when you knew you would never commit to me? why did you ask me out, ask her out and choose her? i dont get you at all. now you say you want to be really good friends like you think i could ever just be your friend! you confuse me. i hate you. i want you. i hope your at the party friday night. i hope you dont want my best friend, she hates you ,you know. she told me to stay away from her. wish i had listened.
i wish i could make this my goodbye...
but i know i will never be able to stay away from you.
i love you
e


dear j,
so here i am again, thinking of you, again. i wish i had never met you. i wish i had never said i loved you. i wish you wern't my first. i wish you didn't love her. i wish you still loved me, i want you to hold me again, ring me at 3am and feel bad but still end up talking till the sun came up. i wish it was all different. I WISH I STILL HAD YOU!
i will love you forever.
e


dear a,
YOUR A FUCKIN SLUT! I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN! I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU TOOK AWAY THE ONLY THING IN THIS FUCKED UP WORLD I HAD TO LOVE. YOU DONT DESERVE HIM! YOU DESERVE TO BE THROWN IN A DITCH! I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU HAVE FUCKED UP MY LIFE!
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU

e

dear b,
i cant believe you did that to me and still expect me to be your friend. i wish i was never with you. i cant believe i ever touched you. just the thought of when we were together makes me SICK! she deserves better than you.
i wish we had never met
e


dear n,
so thanks for talkin to me in the past 6 months, its been great... NOT!
i know its not only your fault that we havent talked. i just wish i wasnt desperate enough to be with you. yes i was desperate. i liked you at first. but then i got bored. then you left. you know the day you left i got about 10 calls from boys offering themselves to me, and i said no to all of them. stupid me. now i would take any of them. and i cant have them. what a waste of time it was being with you.
i wish we had just stayed as friends
love you as a friend
e


Current Mood: disappointed
x
8:16p
letter to a friend.....

bear with me folks....

 

dear lover,

 

every time we talk, i cry. every single fucking time. i am not used to shedding tears for reasons that aren't vile. you make me see inside myself & backwards through the looking glass. i can breathe behind the curtains when your voice is in my ear. this reality is fated, sure....& once again all i can do is speak in prose:

 

 

a damp &torrid evening, the interference of static.

a watercolour sky bleeds into grey.

the ribbons of my life streaming down from the clouds.

the eventual dawn is thin &erratic.

 

 

the steam from my coffee clouds my reflection over &i say baby no, don't look into that mirror. your eyes might see something they shouldn't. i take a sip &it is a slice of warmth in an otherwise cold world.

 

 

&here i am sitting in my bedroom, but my head is somewhere up in the atmosphere. a child's lost balloon.

 

 

the hours seem to stretch out in front of me

roads i cannot travel without you.

 

 

&i am interrupted by night

the wool has been pulled over my eyes

it falls like a guillotine & darkness means death. i step out into the endless black, where a million eyes watch me.

 

 

i am half sick of this blindfold. i am half sick of waiting for you to come running to tell me you're sorry you took so long. &you say no no, this is it. what we've all been waiting for. this is what we were headed towards.

 

 

hand in hand, we will walk to the grass

you will swallow all my poison

&we will lay down to die with the earth

we'll let the trees grow all around us

let the days drift slowly overhead, as clouds

yeah we'll let time just wash over us.

 

xx kitten incognito.

Current Mood: determined
x
8:43p
My aunt passed away on Monday. You didn’t bother to call me and let me know that your own brother’s wife was no longer alive. Uh yeh.. Thanks a lot. Not that youv ever been of a help to me anyway. Only a discourager and a bully. I can’t think of any times when youv encouraged me or supported me, even if it was by coming to a lame band concert or a crappy choir concert for school. Your never proud of me. I “never do anything right.” I think your going to regret that one day. I really truly do. I’m going to finish growing up and I know il do just fine. I know il do just fine without you. Don’t worry about me, not that you ever would anyway, but il grow up to be more than you ever dreamed I could be. You just wait. Youl see. And when I move to Germany and go to college and graduate with flying colors, youl be so surprised that I could ever be so successful. And maybe then youl be proud of me.

But maybe isnt good enough.
And then will be too late.

Thanks for nothing, dad.
1 ||x
8:48p
Just another letter to just another boy. Except it's everything, and I can't make it mean less.
Roman,

If I told you what I felt, you would cry.
You would deny feeling any of it to me. Or would you? Would it be best if you did deny it?
Would it be best if you left my mind, if you left my heart?
It would be nice going just an hour without you on my mind. The only time I can escape your memory is in my sleep, and you even choose to haunt me there sometimes.
Why does it have to be haunting? Why couldn't we stay in that moment forever? Why can't I freaking forget the feel of your hand, the sound of your voice, the sparkle (literally, your eyes sparkled) in your eyes that never left, the attention you gave me when I talked about anything, the smile that you wore constantly, the worry you had over me when we were perfectly safe and together, the smoothness of your actions, and the way you spazzed so much at the thought of tickling. The appreciation you gave me when I saved your life. Those hugs. Gentle, but you didn't want to let go.
Yeah, I hope you would deny you feel anything towards me. I can't get any hope. I'll never move on.
I'm ignoring them because of you. I'd have fun, fuck around, kiss a few kids and bury my conscience in pathetic excuses and lame reasonings. I'd just have fun.
But instead, I have your memory. And it won't leave.
..And I don't think I want it to.
Your memory is the worst thing ever. You forgot my name, haha, you called me Shannon. But you still remember me. It's been a lifetime, and you still remember me. That's got to mean something? The fact that you call me sometimes, the fact that you use those smileys, that you sing those things to me, that you are mailing me the tape and that you're going to listen to the messages, that means something, doesn't it?
... God, I hope so.
Just don't let me know.
Just like I won't tell you this. I don't want to scare you, you mean absolutely everything to me.

<3, Rainbow.

Current Mood: lost
x

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