November 6th, 2004


(no subject)

Dear Chris,
Wow. You have no idea how many letters I've written to you; either sent or not. Here's another I won't.
It's been two months and a week of utter joy and contentment, but tainted by doubts and insecurities yet again. I know I needn't to, but at the same time, it's as if I can't stop. You're so much more experienced than I. Older, and wiser. I wonder if you mean everything you say, and do.
I find it hard to believe I don't have any competition. Perhaps you're lying, or maybe it's my skepticism again.
I wish I could just.. tell you everything that's on my mind. But there are so many things, and not enough energy; and you might think I'm getting too serious. Maybe I already am.
Maybe I'm hooked on you already.
And I wonder if you're hooked on me too, and if you're just hiding it, like I am.
Maybe I'll show you this someday.
Then again, maybe it'll just stay at the bottom of my drawer
In a folder locked away, maybe forever.
I'm sorry for being so insecure.
Forgive me.
  • Current Mood
    pensive pensive

i want to hate you, just half as much as i hate myself.

dear johnny;

& so lately, i've been grounded from everything
which means i've had absolutely nothing to do.
which means i've had alot of time to think.
& think
which, knowing me, is never a good thing.

look what happened last time i had alot of time to think..

i've wrote you so many letters & just random shit.
i've thought of so many things to ask you..
so much shit to say to you..
but i've never got the chance to.

& im never going to.

because, if i do, you'll just think that i am "dragging it out for too long"

i can't stop crying.
all i've done lately, is sleep, cry & write.
oh yes, & think.

& i hate it.
i hate it i hate it i hate it.
i hate this.
i hate you.

alright, i lied.
i don't hate you.
i hate me for believe you.
i hate me for falling for you.
i hate me for loveing you.

i hate that you don't love me back.
& i hate that you never have.
& you never will.

& i hate how i can't stop thinking about you.
& i hate how everything i do, is somehow because of you.
from the stolen cigarette in my pajama drawer..
to what's hidden under my braclets.
it's all because of you, love.

and the really sad thing is,
you couldn't care less.
you really wouldn't give a shit.
i could fucking
drop dead.
right now.

and you'd be like "hm. well that's to bad"

"did you know i miss you??"

welll...i know you know.
the real question is;
"do you care that i miss you..??"

god..i miss you.

</3 oh yeah, i still love you; with all of whats left of my heart.
  • Current Music
    just the buzzing of my computer..