November 1st, 2004

(no subject)

dear christine,

why do you have to be such an idiot. you break her heart so much. right now i dont care if u treat me like crap, but dont do it to her. you have no clue how much she has cried about you, how much shes stayed up worrying about you, you have no freaking clue. you're so ungrateful it makes me want to punch you. look at that car you're driving around, yea, basically every part thats had to be replaced was done with her money. ever plan on paying her back or feeling some sense of guilt for not caring? no? didnt think so. look at the clothes you're wearing, everything in your dorm room, basically all 'your' possesions. lets see, hmm, all her money was spent on you. yea you say you're loyal to your friends. what about you're friggin family? you make me sick. i wish i didnt love you but i cant help it. you're my sister. you're just like our dad. an exact replica and we all know. the both of you know that too. i wish in a way you'd just move in with him but then mom would blame herself as she is now. i wish you could see her crying about you. all i can think is what a waste. she freaking does everything for us and all you can give her is problems. all she wants is for you to sleep at home once a week, but you cant even do that to make her happy. the only reason i didnt punch you today is because i didnt want to cause mom pain. i didnt want her to cry over more things. you should be happy that i at least care unlike you. you coudlnt even stay home today to see her. why do you have to be so stupid? you say she judges your friends on her gut, but she shouldnt. how would you like her to? she knows they all smoke and drink just like you, so how would you like her to judge them. you say that you want to bring your friends her but they arent welcome. how many friggin times has mom said 'bring them over here, i dont care until what time, just be in the house by 12, they can stay here, but just be here by then.' and then you go and say that your friends are uncomfortable here. so why bring up your other point about them not being allowed here when they are? stop causing so much drama for yourself. we will not play your freaking games. have fun finding someone who will. i hope your care gets taken away, i really hope it does. im only saying this out of anger though and i know when i calm down all i want in the best for you, and who knows, maybe it is the best for you. well have fun while you watch your 'friends' ditch you on the weekends then because none of them will want to pick you up. then you'll just come crying. your friends arent real ones. remember when your car broke down and they said theyd be there in 10 minutes to pick you up. that 10 minutes turned into 1 hour, then into 1 1/2 hours. remember? good. have fun dealing with that. i hope you have to. o and if your always broke then maybe you should stop talking on your cell phone during peak hours, or stop getting your nails done, or stop smoking so much, hey or even stop coming back here every weekend. dont come begging for money. find your own.

love always, your little sister.
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&i'm sorry for the phone call.. &needing you

dear andrew,

i don't know why but i break my heart over you. i hate it when you text me out of the blue. i hate it when you care about what's happening. i don't like the fact i'm only good when you want me to be. i hate crying all the time. i can't stand being like this anymore. i just can't do it. stop texting &acting like you care what's going on in my life &then act like you don't. i tried to get you out of my life, i deleted your number &blocked you. guess what? i unblocked you &asked for your number again. i want you out of my life but i want you in it so bad too. i'm sorry for not being her &i'm sorry for wanting you. sometimes i just can't help it. i love that thing you do.

all my ♥,
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(no subject)

Dear Ryan,

Well. It's been two months exactly since I talked to you last. And even then, just petty conversation for less than 10 minutes. Two months since I hung up the phone and had the worst day I'd had in a while. That day, even before you called, I was talking to Mrs. Muir about you. At the beginning of lunch, I was crying. Mrs. Muir, Weston, Zach, and Jordan calmed me down, and I was fine. I went up to Talon Hall, got some food, and headed back down to the drama room. Little did I know, while I was up socializing, your voice was coming through the telephone down here.

I walked into the drama room with my water and pizza, and saw a ton of people crowded around the phone. Someone looked over at me and said, "CIERA! Ryan's on the phone!" I immediately put down my food and started shaking. I walked over to a couch by the phone and started crying. Mrs. Muir took the phone from whoever had it and said, "Ryan, Ciera's here. I want you to talk to her," and she handed me the phone. I don't know how long I sat there, trying to clear my throat enough to utter, "hello?"

After that, I don't remember what happened. All I know is, when we were getting off the phone, I wanted to tell you how much I still loved you. But instead, I just said, "bye." I regret that more than anything. That day, I didn't go to 3rd or 4th period. I was late to practice. I was literally incapable of doing anything but crying. I kept going over in my head what I should have said.

I've been going over it since then. I've regretted everything I could have said that day. So, now I"m writing them in a letter that I might not even be able to send you. I guess the first thing I wanted to ask you was: "How do you feel about all this?" I guess I can't really come to any conclusions until I know what you're thinking. For all I know, you've moved on completely. I've spent two months creating something that doesn't even exist.

But the slightest hope that you might still care for me keeps me holding on. Today, a man named Bill Blakely was here at school interviewing people about you. The ones he talked to were Mrs. Muir, Zach, Weston, and myself. After he asked us questions like, "Describe Ryan," and "Was he involved with any drugs?" we all went down to the drama room and talked about how weird it was. Zach and I layed down on a couch and decided that after 1st period (Drama II), school sucks. I started crying, and when the late bell rung I couldn't bear the thought of facing anyone. So, once again, I stayed in the back room of the drama room and Zach, Jordan, Weston, and I talked.

I also started writing this letter to you. For two whole periods I've thought about that I want you to know. I want you to know a lot of things: Dinner Theatre was a success, I was a waitress for it. We went to Denny's afterwards, and Jordna and I sat in the same spots we did last time. The spot where I first really talked to you. I want you to know that Zach and Weston are now two of my best friends. I want you to know that Jordan is still picking the wrong guys to date. I want you to know that I am also a lot closer with Sara from Santa Cruz, who now goes to AHS, and Isi, who hasn't changed a bit.

But, most of all, I want you to know that no matter what went on over the summer, no matter how many times I doubted myself and you, I still love you. That is the one thing I am sure of right now.

One thing I'm not sure of, though, is how you're reacting to this letter right now. Please write me back, even if it's just to tell me you don't want to talk to me anymore. I just need an answer from you. Please, thank you, and I miss you more than anything.

A happy hug, a piece of everyone back here at CV, and the old "WRITE ME BACK!",
Ciera Stratton
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