October 22nd, 2004

Loser, Love You

To James...again

You fucking asshole! I'm so mad at you! I'm your best friend... I love you so much. I'm always there when you need me. You tell me that you're leaving, and I've finally accepted it. What's with the fucking disappearing act? You're here for two more weeks and then you're an ocean away from me. You ask me why I've gotten so emo... why I cry for "no reason" now. You're the fucking reason. I would do anything for you, and you're spending all your time with her. SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU! No one could. You're everything to me. I'd die without you... I will die without you. Why can't you see that? Why don't you understand that? I'm running out of things to say to your back. I'll miss you.

Dear Everyone </3

Dear Mum,
I love you so much. I seriously do. Please know that my arms have NOTHING to do with you or anything that you've done. I know somethings gonna happen soon with them, and i want you to know that, before the shit really does hit the fan. Im changing into everything im scared of, and i dont like it. Im changing into the same person that i hate.
I'll love you forever, im just sorry you wont be able to say the same for me..
Im sorry mum

Dear Lee,
I've been giggling all day because ive made you really upset. The lyrics of Brazen - Skunk Anansie come to mind, i wish you could at least tell me i had upset you, cause if you dont prove to me that i have im gonna keep going. Im a pretentious bitch, and i have certain rules you need to learn. You are proving a good student so far <3
Thanks for putting up with me :)

Dear Yasmin,
You have made me laugh when i seriously doubted i could. You havent had the easiest of lives, but youre still happy and you can still complain about lifes little problems, instead of moaning about youre own big ones - when, indeed, you moan at all.
Im sorry if im ever a bitch but i need to sort myself out,

Dear Hardcore,
You are the closest friend i think i've ever had, and we arent in the same clas lol
I love you dearly as a mate and im soon not going to be able to retain my anger at the retards that hound you everyday.
I cant believe they would want to give you grief, and theyre only mocking you because secretly, they all want to know you. i would go down with a life sentence for you, and i would love every minute of it if only to protect you forever.
I know youre not as happy as you make out, and i wish you would talk to somebody, its gonna catch up with you one day.
Hardcore, youre the greatest ever.. please dont move.
Love Bethel

Dear you,
why wont you talk to me anymore??
Youre just the same
So i realised youre the one that made me try it, and youre the one that contuinues it on for me this day.
I can try blaming it on the bullies, but i cant lie to myself
YOU are the cause.
Do you realise how fucking hard it was for me?
To tell you, to not tell you for so long
I hope you realise that one day </3 But for now, i want you to realise that i hate you. Dear Self, I dont know if you are as bad as you think you are. but hey, you still know how to look ugly even in your best clothes. You should really get over him by now. Maybe what u thought, you still feel. It has to be something real to make you cry. you know your replacement has stopped you needing to. Im at a loss with you. You know nothing will EVER happen, purely because you dont deserve him. You cant carry on using Lee either. You just need to go into hiding for a few days. France will do that for you, although its come too late. You already had a breakdown. WHY ARE YOU SO WEAK?? Why cant you stop being so fucking vunerable? I hope you change alot soon. Or im not gonna try with you and you'll die of either starvation, blood loss or bad liver. Choose, change or die. I give you until school starts again.
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