I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope|
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Friday, October 15th, 2004
it seems like the same thing bothers both of us. It's like we expect a certain kind of upper level conversation that's just not happening in life. I don't know if you get that from anyone, but I'm positive that I don't.
I blame myself for spreading cultural knowledge much too thin to be useful, for not having any one passionate cause, for not being able to focus on the topic at hand without wandering into generalizations. I waste my time in life wallowing in self-centered thoughts, especially when I've settled into patterns of like I have lately-class, work, social, study, and sleep-with hardly enough actually random things interjecting throughout the day. It's pathetic that to have a change I sat on the upper bunk and looked at the fan from a different angle. I'm boxing myself in and I think that might be one of the reasons why I keep wanting to go home, because there I don't do that to myself. I'm craving to go out and meet people, to go out and wander around whatever gallery seems intriguing, to see the plays and movies that might actually have something to say, to go see that Disney music hall that is supposed to be so amazing, to read the other religion books so that I don't just have to listen to you or someone else explain them every time the subject comes up. Ideas and conversations don't happen when all someone does is sit around her dorm room.
It's been on my mind. I don't doubt something similar has been on yours. Talk to me.
Hey, What's up? You're on your way to Phoenix right now. I've called Justin's cell phone plenty of times and it hasn't worked, so don't think I didn't want to call you because I did really bad and it SO sucks that I didn't get to tell you that I love you our last phone conversation because I do. Since you feel helpless and you know that we are spending time "apart", I'm worried that you're meeting some guy down there that you instantly click with and that you find attractive and that he seems to get prettier with every swig of alcohol you consume. Because I always make you sad, I think that's one of the reasons you went to Chandler this weekend and if I am the reason then wouldn't that give you 10X more reason to kiss or fuck that sexy looking guy that only gets better by the second? Maybe I'm just overreacting because I know you love me... And I know you feel like I am slipping away from you because of what everyone has said. You're bad for me I know. I'm fifteen and you're nineteen, and on top of it all... WE'RE BOTH GIRLS. I understand that. But I just can't seem to get enough of you. I know you hate that Candace can see me and you can't, and I know she's wanting what she can't have right now (which is me) and I'm sure it makes you feel unsteady that she's right next door to me, but please know that we are strong enough to where I would never go there. I would never go back to Candace. You even told me yourself that you would never talk to me again. I just love you soo, soooo much and I'm so sorry for making you so sad, but we need to keep in touch by phone or letter since I'm not allowed to see you. I love you, just know that, and I can only imagine how good it's going to feel to be in your arms again.
I love you Current Mood: sad