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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope
 
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Monday, September 27th, 2004

Time Event
12:06a
Can you just shut the fuck up and leave me the fuck alone? You said you were over it. So get the fuck over it. I just needed one last release of feelings and you HAD to come and get involved with it. And no, I am not going to bend over backwards just to make sure you don't see it. I could care less. But if YOU were over it, you wouldn't have even seen it, because you wouldn't have been anywhere near my journal. And if you keep talking shit about me or to me, I have no problem with dragging your ass out into the street by your frizzy orange hair and beating the shit out of you. Just fucking drop the whole thing.
x
1:08a
Darlin'.

You know I love you already. You say it the way I did when I realized M loved me the first time. "I love you, too." And it makes me want to cry because I still love him so intensely and there is nothing that can stop that. It is simply the nature of first love. But I can honestly say that the love I have for you is growing each day. You are becoming a new "home" to turn to which is exactly what I need. The laughing during an intimate moment was something I always wished for. The ease of your conversation is refreshing. Your comfort breathes life in to my darker moments. Something about you is bringing back the me that I thought was gone for good. I can't sleep from being scared of dreaming of anything other than you, beacause nothing keeps me from homesickness here but you.

This Is EverythingCollapse )

I'm learning how to do this again, Darlin'. Thank you for being patient.
-Kiddo.
x
1:31p
broken knuckles, broken heart - i fell in love then fell apart&//;
dear me,

i think i know what's wrong now. why i keep doing the things i do. why i don't want anyone too close to me physically &emotionally. fronts are all good when they work. sometimes i'm so scared of getting hurt. sometimes i just can't take it. i'm exhausted from trying to be happy all the time. i feel like i need to be happy for everyone else 'cause i don't want them to worry. it sounds so stupid but it always seems right at the time. i need to see someone about what's going on in my head. i can't keep crying over nothing, i can't keep breaking down everytime i don't get something right first time. i guess there's just somethings i have to say:

dear you,
i'm sorry for the way i act around you. i just get scared sometimes. i really wish i had the guts to tell you. i know i always
tell you i have a crush on you but it's always kinda jokey. i'm so scared of how you'd react if you knew how i really felt. i
don't want to lose you. you make me happier than i've been in a while. i hope one day i won't act the way i do &things'll be okay.
i want us to have our moment, someone put it best "sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it,
like my heart's going to cave in."
i want our first kiss, if there ever is one, to prove that everything's beautiful. i want
my heart to cave in.
♥ me

to my best friend in the world,
i'm sorry i can't tell you how i feel sometimes. i really do get scared you'll hate me. you get along so much more with other
people. i suppose you're the reason for my front, which is weird, i know. i just don't want you to think certain things about me.
you're the one person i'm supposed to really talk to &the one person i can't tell how i really feel. i'm sorry.
♥ me

to you,
i don't know what happened to us. i don't necessarily care why. you're the reason i did alot of shit i regret, some of which i am
returning to now. i don't like you at all anymore. i don't like talking to you. you just make me upset. don't invade my head
anymore.
all my hate, me

dear you,
i don't know how i feel about you. sometimes you scare me 'cause you're alot louder &stuff than me so it feels like you could take
everyone that means something away from me. i like you. i don't want that to happen.
♥ me

i think i needed to get somethings out. it's long &.. long.. i need to sleep &sort my head out. i don't know where i went wrong.

from me

ps "Never allow yourself to feel anything, because you always feel too much."


Current Mood: uncomfortable
x
3:10p
i don't like being me anymore. i'm just strips of a person stiched together in whatever form they feel is appropriate at the time. i don't want to be beautiful. beauty's too cliché. i hope i make the world sick when they see me.

x
x
5:39p
NEW JOURNAL
I have a new journal

likes_big_words
x
6:06p
Its easy when youre sad - SAD LIKE ME!
Dear You
I knew i couldnt damn well trust you.
Theyve changed you and I cant trust you anymore in anything ever
Youre not the person that i used to admire
Youre not the cool one in the year above anymore
Youre just... her.
I hope you hate me and i hope you hate youreself
You will know where ive been before and its gonna hurt you too
I still miss you
Goodbye
I used to want you to say hi

Dear You
Leave me the fuck alone
I DONT KNOW WHAT CAN BE SAID TO GET THE MESSAGE THROUGH!!
attention from them is NEVER good
I dont want you to be hurt.
If youre gonna be overly clingy then be clingy with someone else
i dont wanna meet them next week, i dont want to because im still fat - you didnt understand
i still dont know how to react to you
Toodles
XxX

Dear me,
Okay, so youre gonna change right?
You had better or im gonna neglect the body you exist in again
Its not hard, and infact, its fun
so if you dont change youreself i will be forced to take action
Change quickly for the sake of youre own health
Sincerly in anger with you,
myself XxX

Current Mood: contemplative
x

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