September 22nd, 2004

Masuimi Max

(no subject)


So we're reparing whatever it was that we screwed up with our horrible game of who's-hurting-who. I'll admit it, I think you won, but I've recovered and moved on. Thank God. I've been ripped apart, but I'm healing, and my Darling helps so much. It's only been two weeks and I'm already recognizing the first stages of love, which I am becoming more comfortable with. Being called my Darling's girlfriend instead of my name doesn't bother me like it did when you and I were together. I'm still nervous as hell of being hurt again, but everything eventually will get better and those nerves will subside, which, if anything, our conversation today proved. I did miss talking to you for the past couple weeks, but never again will your acceptance of me (or rejection) mean so much.



I want you to be the first thing I see when I open my eyes everytime.


(no subject)

Dear me,

I never know how exactly to start letters. I'm realizing that I never know much of anything, actually. Except that I'm always making the same mistakes. Maybe being so logical and practical isn't necessarily so great in life, where it matters. Why can't I just be that girl who can say what she feels rather than toiling over how to feel and being too late? I guess I'm just annoyed with myself for letting everyone else tell me what I wanted to hear, but just couldn't say myself. I got my hopes up when, </i>really</i> there wasn't anything, but maybe a hint. That's why I like keeping my secrets to myself. I've already seen how other people might mess things up for other people. Why did I get so worked up over nothing? Okay, so no more letting other people tell me their opinion, know my emotions, or acting/not acting on anything. SURE.

I'm being stupid. It's easier to blame my emotions right now on other people. But I know deep down that I am the wrong and not the wronged. NOTHING HAPPENED. I am the girl who takes her time, won't wear her heart out on her sleeve. I guess I may have sent "mixed signals". But because I'm scared.(!) And that's my fault. So many "maybe's" going through my head. I am such a wuss. I just can't take those chances. Ironic how in trying so hard to not get hurt, guarding myself so strongly, I hurt myself anyways. I am confusing and too overly analytical and waaay too cautious and cold and screwed if I don't change now. Am I supposed to feel anything else other except extremely annoyed with myself? Because I don't. And why doesn't that suprise me??

PS- why didn't I know he had a girlfriend?