September 16th, 2004


hey you

i miss you but at the same time i feel like you have never left.
i still dont understand why you did it and i still dont understand why i held back.
i guess i was afraid of letting someone too close, you knew the most about me. i could sort of feel like i didnt have to worry about it all getting out because i knew.
i knew in a way that you wouldnt live long enough to tell anyone, i dont know if i held back for you or i held back for me.

im sorry
i want to be more open with those i still have and im trying so hard to not be scared to say everything. its all more difficult than i originally thought.
i wish you were still here but at times it feels like you never left.
i still talk to you, though now its in my head. i feel like you are walking beside me helping me be free and happy. helping me live the life i want to live.

you were the biggest influence in my overcoming of depression, i wish i could go back and help you instead, i never let myself believe you were as sad as you were. im sorry for that. maybe we could have helped each other.

you would have been my best friend.

i miss you, i love you and i will always remember you.

hope heaven is fun.

give J.D a kiss for me.
love ya hun.

  • Current Music
    maria mena "take you with me"

(no subject)

To my poor heart,

I have faithfully listened to you in many occasions. Daily things.

And I'm listening to you now. And you hurt. You hurt a lot.

I recall several times, listening to you over reason - or my brain.

I just don't know what to do anymore. You are cynical. Which makes me cynical. Hateful. Secluded. Cold.

There is still an immense pain, even when I feel numb from the intensity of it all.

You need to heal. You need something good to warm you. Something I can't have. Something we certianly have never experienced. Or deserve for that matter.

I would sooner try to heal my own heart, if not every attempt so far has failed miserably and ended in a deeper hate for me, and the rest of the world because things never worked out. And that last bit of hope you have, that one you keep stretching out more and more, is causing trouble.

For that little bit is causing so much. You keep holding on the that hope. Like it'll go some where. Like the past hasn't happened and the future won't cause any discomfort. While my brain is screaming telling you to stop. Telling you nothing will work out. Like it always hasn't.

I can't always trust my brain, for I think way too much. Though I can't always trust you.

I don't know who to believe anymore.

Much love and hope you feel better soon,
The hollowness of self
  • Current Music
    Pain - Jimmy Eat World
icon now

(no subject)

WTF ????? what does that mean..i told you honestly how i felt and you didnt liek me...bu t thne...WTF??? why the hell did you go and do that? why couldnt you just have sadi how you fell at teh time i did? this is so dumb? are you just being you? WFT did that mean? please i kinda hop eyou see this but to do that you have to go thure my friends list...wich idout you ever do...but i gtg
i love you no feet...

  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

(no subject)

Dear world,

Why is everyone pissed at me for sticking to my principles yet everyone else can speak their minds with out a problem. What's with it. Why can't I just do what I wnat to with out people interferring or judging me.

I turned in my memior for the second type and I'm scared. I'm scared that the next time she asdk me to edit it I will want to completely rewrite it. It's so hard when things change so drastically in a relationship to keep one tone throughout the peice. I wnat it to be happy. I want it to be happy because most of the time when I was with this person I was happy and whether they like it or not they changed my life. Put more and more i'm having the feeling that I mean little in their life even after what was said last weekend. It felt good when he said what he did and yet it only made it work. If he can admit that I treat him better then most why is it that we don't speak for weeks. Wait he's busy with school, trying to be the perfect child that I know he could be and that his mom wants him to be. And I know that that should be okay but still.
I said Hi to him today and he IM's me back asking if I had IM'ed him earlier. I said yeah and all he said was okay. No conversation no explaination, I got an answer I feel almost as if I deserve.

So if this guy reads this post I want him to know that I'll stop bothering him. I'll stop saying hello first as soon as I see that he's online. I'm going to stop trying to do something everyweek end and just keep my mouth shut. If you say hi that's great if you don't talk to me I guess I've got to go back and keep my word and all the positive crap I said. I said that I understood and if in a while you've got time then we can do something but don't worry about it. It's so hard sometimes though. I want to talk to my friend.
  • Current Music
    she will be loved- Maroon 5

(no subject)

Dear ,

Thank you sweetie for making me feel so special. But I wish I was more of a better girl for you. No matter how much I wish deep down that I was right for you, I know that you deserve more than me. I'm sorry.

  • Current Music
    Incubus- Southern Girl

(no subject)

I am so sick ofyuo and all your drama. Get over it. You aren't the martyr, neither am I. But you don't seem to understand that. To save something, it has to be a team effort from BOTH sides. It can't just be once person trying to save a friendship. I didn't want to save it. Can't you understand that? I solved things with myself and realized that I didn't need a 'best friend' like you. A best friend is someone you can trust. A best friend is someone who will love you unconditionally. A best friend is someone who will be there to help you through your problems, not judge you for them. I KNOW I am not perfect. I know I can be a terrible friend at times. But I NEVER EVER lied to you. Ever. I can say that full honesty. I never once told a personal secret of yours. To anyone. And I never will. I have no reason to. I don't really care that your sister gives good advice. That's great that she does. But that is no reason whatsoever for you to go off and tell her personal details about my life that I trusted you to keep with you. You KNEW I didn't really like her much. Yet, you tell her about all my flaws. Did you ever tell her the things you said in return to me or how you started most of the trash talking. When you don't want someone to say something about someone else, you need to say something about it. Don't just keep going along with it and then passing on only half the info. I understand that she is your sister and you get mad at her. But if you didn't like the things I was saying, you should have said something about it. I would have stopped. You need to realize that you can't please everyone all the time. Life doesn't work that way. You end u just making more enemies than friends because noone is going to know what you are going to do next.

This is the last of this issue. After this, it's dropped. I am burying it like cat poop in the litter box.